What Are Your Ambitions, Dear?

Because of my teen daughters’ social circles, I know more kids every year – my girls’ friends, others in our local homeschool association, relatives, kids at church – who are graduating high school. And, just as when I was a classroom teacher at the high school level, I enjoy talking with these young people about their hopes and dreams.

I’ve learned not to ask a very common but extremely presumptuous question – “Where are you going to college?” – because I’ve been witnessing how many of today’s youth, after having given very careful consideration to all the options set before them, have wisely decided upon totally viable, alternative paths. So, I used to default to another, broader and more inclusive question: “What are you doing after graduation?”

But I recently heard an even better query – a simple but profound semantic twist that shows how much words matter in setting a tone. In the exchange I observed, a wise older woman asked a teen girl, "So, what are your ambitions, dear?"

This wording was incredible! First, it was optimistic, communicating the woman’s belief that the teen did, indeed, have life goals. Second, it was open-ended, creating an opportunity for the teen to expound upon her real hopes and dreams instead of feeling boxed in by preconceived expectations. Third, it opened the door to real relationship – an authentic conversation where the teen could feel safe being transparent, knowing the adult was genuinely interested and not just making “small talk.”

I don’t put teenagers on a pedestal; I know they have very real struggles, individually and as a social cohort. But I discovered long ago – even before I had my own children – that kids almost always respond well to positive feedback. In other words, if they sense that we believe in them, they’ll usually attempt to rise to the occasion. And when they try, they almost always make it.

They also need to know that we see and accept each one’s individuality. That we don’t view them as cookie-cutter products on an assembly line, all required to do the same things in the same way. That we celebrate the diversity of paths to happy, functional adulthood this generation is discovering.

Some of the teens I know aren’t quite sure of their post-high school ambitions. But those who have ideas are gloriously all over the map – as wannabe missionaries, graphic artists, nurses, interior designers, professional nannies, homeschool moms, music producers, small business owners, and computer programmers, just to name a few. And they’ve thought through the ways – some conventional and some very “out of the box” – in which they can reach their goals. I believe we need to encourage them to pursue those ambitions, providing enough guidance and support on the one hand while letting them freely explore their options on the other.

What are the ambitions of the kids in your life?

CK

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Photo Credit: theilr

Walking the Tightrope

With my kids now only a couple of years from graduating high school and launching into their adult lives, I’ve been thinking a lot about their childhoods. My girls are only eleven and a half months apart – so I was essentially pregnant for two straight years, and then spent several years burning the proverbial candle at both ends in order to meet the many and varied needs of my almost-twins. I cherish the memories of my daughters as little girls, but that was definitely a physically exhausting season of life, and I’ve generally welcomed the self-sufficiency they’ve gained with maturity.

I’m seeing, though, that this current season has its own challenges. When my kids were little, I was definitely exhausted…but I literally controlled everything in their lives – what they ate, where they went, what they watched and listened to, who and what they played with – and I found comfort knowing I was doing everything I could to keep them safe and healthy. It wasn’t about being a helicopter parent; it was simply appropriate at the time. And I’ve always known that the ultimate goal of parenting is to work one’s self out of a job. But it’s one thing to know that in my head and another thing entirely to live it. Thus, there are days now when I’d give my eye-teeth to go back to what seems in hindsight to have been a more-tired-but-simpler time, in order to quell my admitted anxiety about the “what-ifs” of my kids’ next few years.

Of course, that’s impossible. Yet – just as I couldn’t let go of their bike seats too quickly when they were learning to ride without training wheels – I can’t just leave them alone to fend for themselves either, whether that’s in real life or the Wild West world of technology. They do still need guidance, albeit in different ways than before. And – by God’s grace – they’ll still want my feedback even when they’re fully independent. So I’m trying every day to walk the tightrope of balance – being as hands-on as necessary without treating my young adults like children – and continually aiming to discern when to hold on and when to let go.  

And I’m seeing that walking that tightrope is actually what it means to “be fully present” at this stage of my kids’ lives. It’s no longer about having them with me every minute of every day. It’s no longer about me orchestrating every element of their daily schedules. It’s no longer about my husband and me being the only ones speaking into their lives. But neither is it about backing away entirely, as too many parents seem to do with their teens. Rather, it’s about a choice to remain mentally and emotionally engaged in order to accurately discern when to step back and when to step in.

This balancing act is exhausting in its own way. And right now it feels even scarier than fearing many years ago that one of my newborns would succumb to SIDS. But I purposed back then – even in my fear – to trust my girls to the Lord so I could get some rest each night. And no matter how precarious the tightrope feels, that’s what I’m trying to do now, too.

CK

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Photo Credit: Geoff

Tearing Open the Box

I truly lament the fact that so many homeschooling parents needlessly fear their kids being “behind.” Some manage to avoid falling prey to the lie in their kids’ elementary years…but the monster often rears its very ugly head all over again once a child approaches high school. We become petrified that he “isn’t keeping up” in math or “won’t have enough” science. We give ourselves ulcers over AP classes, dual enrollment, and early graduation. And we fall into the trap of thinking we should use public school requirements as our guide.

Though I don’t like to advertise it, I spent nine years before my kids were born teaching at the secondary level in the fourth largest school district in my state – first at a middle school and then at one of the city’s four public high schools. My state has a very good reputation when it comes to public schooling; its students consistently earn SAT/ACT scores among the highest in the nation. But it’s precisely because of my experience inside the system that I’m so passionate about assuring home-educating parents that we have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Instead of perseverating about “keeping up” with the system, we must choose to grab hold of reality by forcing ourselves to remember that we have absolutely no legitimate reason to use the government school system as our measuring stick. We must understand our actual legal obligation – i.e., to follow the homeschool law in our state of residence, which is always distinct from that which governs public/government schools. And we must grasp the moral truth of our real, foundational obligation, which is to meet the actual needs of each of our individual children, regardless of what bureaucrats might say on paper. 

Additionally, we can hold onto a couple of homeschool truths: First – as I learned from having spent the last three-and-a-half years surveying nearly 3,000 resource providers for TheHomeschool Resource Roadmap – public school textbooks can’t hold a candle to any material written for homeschoolers. That was true before common core, and it probably goes double (for non-common core homeschool material) now. Second, the typical lecture-style classroom cannot begin to approach the effectiveness of the one-on-one tutoring and self-directed learning approaches inherent in home education. In fact, a quick Google-search will reveal plenty of stories about the most out-of-the-box “radical unschoolers” who excel at Ivy League colleges despite never having cracked an algebra book. Thus, it’s basically inevitable that any homeschooled child with diligent parents will receive a better education than his schooled peers without having to imitate the system at all.

What does that mean for high school planning? First, it means choosing to flat-out reject the entire notion of “being behind” and deciding instead to accept each child where he really is as an individual today – whatever that means in each subject area. Second, it means developing a plan to help her learn at her pace – whatever that is and wherever it eventually leads – with neither overwhelming her nor letting her slide. It does mean taking college admissions expectations (but not public high school requirements) into account if it seems best for a child to go directly into a four-year college. But is also means knowing that four-year college isn’t always necessary or wise – right away or ever – and that colleges don’t expect us to mirror the system; in fact, they understand that homeschoolers are different, readily accept them, and even recruit them. Finally, it means trusting our intuition (and our kids’ preferences) enough to stop feeling inferior and get on with thinking outside the box.

On a practical level, how that plays out for each child’s high school experience will be distinct; in fact, each of us should be able to tell a unique story about each of our children’s journeys. But perhaps just a few examples will inspire you:

• Andy isn’t particularly “math-y,” nor is he interested in a STEM-oriented career. Thus, his parents are unapologetically counting Pre-Algebra as his first high school-level math course. And then he’ll do Algebra 1 and Geometry before choosing either Statistics or Practical Math for a fourth credit. Alternately, he’ll take his time – no law exists saying one “must” complete one credit in nine or 12 months – and eschew a fourth credit entirely, choosing mastery of three credits’ worth of material over racing through more. The university he’s considering if he pursues a history major prefers three math credits for admissions, but doesn’t specify a minimum competency for non-STEM majors; the art school he may attend instead doesn’t even have a math requirement. Thus, skipping Algebra 2, Trigonometry, and Calculus doesn’t put him “behind.” It simply acknowledges how he’s wired and gives him more time for his actual interests;
• Kelly doesn’t like to read, perhaps due to mild (but undiagnosed) dyslexia. Her parents know their homeschool law requires her to take “English” every year, and the law specifies the inclusion of literature and composition at the high school level. But they won’t throw her into the intensive multi-year, “college-prep” program they used with her older brother, who was interested in writing novels from an early age. Instead, they continue to work on Kelly’s spelling and grammar skills – legitimately counting her time as a portion of the 140 hours per year they’ve learned will constitute one “English” credit – and they’ll rely on a resource called Movies as Literature to complete her first two English credits. Then, using her progress and the knowledge they purposed to gain about specific reading and writing skills Kelly should master before taking the English 101 course at their local community college, they’ll determine the best course of action for her remaining two credits later on;
• Paul has Downs Syndrome. He loves to learn, but at age 14 his functional skill level is currently at about “third grade.” His parents understand from their state’s homeschool law that Paul needs to somehow address content in math, reading, language arts, science, and social studies each year, and that they’re free to incorporate a wide variety of elective credits in any other areas according to Paul’s needs and interests. They also learned that working through at least 75% of a textbook or spending roughly 120-150 hours of study time constitutes “one credit.” They were initially concerned about the legitimacy of their documents, given that Paul will never be able to tackle “higher math,” read Shakespeare, or write a research paper. But a family friend who works in special education explained that schooled kids with special needs earn recognized diplomas the same as anyone else, and encouraged them to simply use materials that match Paul’s actual ability and aim toward maximizing his potential before graduating him;
• Savannah began taking classical ballet lessons at the age of four and was being cast in significant roles by the time she was eight. Her parents knew she was also intellectually gifted – they’d had her IQ tested and it came out at 160 – but she became increasingly disenchanted with formal academic subjects; she simply didn’t want to spend hours of each day on math, science, history, and literature. When she was 13, a professional dance company offered her an internship that would eventually enable her to become its principal dancer. But traditional academics would get in the way, so her mother devised a personalized study plan using prep-books for the GED and several CLEP tests. She didn’t take any official tests; instead, she devoted time to studying through the books and then took the practice tests in the books. By doing so, she demonstrated clear mastery of every typical high school subject as well as a handful of college-level courses. And, coupled with all the elective credits she could legitimately be awarded in dance, choreography, and costuming, Savannah’s mother developed an impressive transcript that enabled Savannah to graduate high school and begin her internship at age 15.

I could go on and on, describing myriad other ways in which families can choose to be different by setting aside inaccurate, mechanistic labels in favor of truly meaningful learning for their kids; in fact, homeschool mom Sue Patterson has compiled a book – Homeschooled Teens - that details the experiences of 75 kids. But what ultimately matters for your children is what you decide to do with and for them. Will you continue to let yourselves be bullied by an irrelevant public school system and false notions of “being behind?” Or will you peek out of the box and even consider tearing it open so you can customize your child’s education for his or her ultimate, lifelong good?

LT

The First Thing First

“…[Jesus] is the head of the body,
the church;

He is the beginning

and the firstborn from among the dead,

so that in all things
He may have preeminence.”

~ Colossians 1.18

Thinking about how to address this week’s topic – getting off to a great start in the new school year – has been a challenge. After all, a “great start” can mean so many different things depending entirely on the people and circumstances involved.

Most who use public or private institutional schools are launching a “new school year” right about now – but some have already started and some won’t begin for another two or three weeks. Additionally, each school’s “culture” and learning environment is unique to itself. And then there are the homeschoolers. Though many home-educating families follow a traditional calendar and are, thus, starting a “new year” right now as well, some have designed other types of schedules so that they might be in the middle of a “school year” this month. And still others literally go continuously and year-round with no discernible “new start” at all.

A “great start” also means very different things for different people within those educational settings. For example, the expectations held by a five-year old and her parents look nothing like what a 17-year old and his parents are aiming for over the next several months. A “great start” for a classroom teacher varies, depending on what age children he serves. And what teachers want to emphasize can be markedly different from what students and their parents are thinking about, and are, perhaps, as different as night and day from what homeschooling families are considering.

However, I was recently reminded via a series of lessons through which I led my daughters that – at least for those who claim Christ as Savior and Lord – there is actually ever only one ultimate goal in every endeavor of life. Namely, as Colossians 1.18 states, “that in all things [Jesus] may have preeminence,” or first place.

With that in mind, there’s one question we can each ask of ourselves – whether we’re a student, parent or teacher, whether we’re at home or in a huge urban school, and whether we’re thinking about the start of a whole “new school year” or, simply, the beginning of a new day: What would it look like – in terms of my heart, soul, strength, and mind (Luke 10.27) – to put Jesus Christ first in my life?

You can use that question within your position and stage of life to set goals for yourself – short-term goals for today and long-term goals to aim for over the next several months; goals for your attitude and words (Matthew 15.18); for the friendships you continue and begin…or, perhaps, choose to end; for spiritual priorities like spending time in the Word and in fellowship with other believers; for what you choose to do (and not do) with your body; for the nature of the content you decide to teach or study.

To some extent, of course, the answers to such questions will be as unique as each individual. However, the desire to give Jesus preeminence really is the best “great start” each of us could ever have. So if you want a great start, put the First Thing first.

CK

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Photo Credit: Celestial Meeker

Summertime Brainstorms

If your kids attend institutional schools – or if you’re a homeschooling family that follows the typical school calendar – your kids are now “off” for the summer. In my city, it’s only been a week, but I know kids in other communities may have finished before Memorial Day. And, of course, you probably thought through at least some of your summer plans well before the season actually launched (i.e., you had to reserve the lake cabin and register for Vacation Bible School months ago). But what about all the days in between the family vacation and the kids’ camp weeks?

I struggle with telling other parents how to organize their summers because individual circumstances vary so greatly…in so many ways. Some have older kids while others have littles; some are home with children and others are in the workforce; some use summer to decompress from the “school year” while others see it as the perfect time to play academic “catch up.” In fact, the way my kids and I “do summer” is very different from that of most people I know because we have a year-round homeschool schedule, and, thus, don’t have 12 weeks to “fill” with miscellaneous activities. We love our routine, but some people think we’re nuts and would never dream of adopting it for their families!

All that said, I asked my daughters – ages 13 and 14 – to brainstorm for me some non-technology-based summer teen activities, hoping those who’ve recently read Dr. Kathy’s book Screens and Teens will appreciate ideas for using summertime to loosen the grip technology has on some teens:

·      Find a pen pal from another state or country – not a “text pal” or even an email pal…but a person with whom to exchange handwritten letters;

·      Start and maintain a garden (not too late in the season if you jump on it now);

·      Organize regular outings with a small group of friends (to an amusement park, the zoo, a city pool or lake, etc.)…and leave cell phones in the car for the duration;

·      Grab a couple of cookbooks from the library and learn to prepare a full dinner for your family each week;

·      Investigate area bike trails and plan one trek each week;

·      On a sweltering day, spend the afternoon with friends in an air-conditioned bowling alley;

·      Paint your bedroom…in a way that truly reflects your personality;

·      Learn to change the oil and tires on family cars;

·      Organize an ice cream social with friends at an area park…and bring enough to surprise everyone else who happens to be there with sundaes;

·      Learn to sew…knit…make jewelry…paint…draw…work with wood, etc.;

·      Plan a weekly family game night – board and card games only, nothing electronic;

·      Challenge yourself to read at least one chapter a day in a real (non-Kindle) book, choosing material of personal interest – things you don’t get to read the rest of the year.

Of course, my girls’ list is not exhaustive. But share it with your kids and then use it to brainstorm with them to plan a summer that will suit your own circumstances.

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Photo Credit: Pedro Ribeiro Simoes

CK

What Will You Do?

I taught English as a Second Language to young people, ages 11 to 18, for nine years. The kids had a lot stacked against them. They were new immigrants – some were even refugees – and most of their parents struggled to make ends meet. They faced the prospect of adapting to a new culture very different from their own. And on top of that, they were charged with learning a very difficult language for which mastery was imperative.

Despite all of that, I can honestly say they were wonderful kids – even the ones who had occasional bad days. And I really admired their parents, some of whom had survived horrendous atrocities before immigrating. They were grateful to be safe and free in this new land, and endeavored to do whatever necessary to help their kids succeed.

But before long, a disturbing trend developed. You see, the parents were unable to learn much English. For one thing, it’s exceedingly difficult for an adult to pick up a new language with any degree of fluency. Secondly, few adult English classes existed at that time. And, finally, most couldn’t take the classes that did exist because they were working multiple jobs. As a result, the children and teens very quickly surpassed their parents’ language skills and became their parents’ translators. And then some of the parents became dependent on their children. That role-reversal, though unintentional, had a devastating effect on family structure as some teens began to completely reject their parents’ authority.

We all face that same prospect now with our kids and technology. As Kathy points out in Chapter 8 of Screens and Teens, most young people are far more “fluent” in the “language” of technology than we adults. As a result, we might come to rely on them to “translate” for us. And the long-term consequence could possibly be the same as that experienced by my students and their parents: kids might eventually dismiss their parents’ authority.

There’s no easy solution to this. Ever-evolving technology is here to stay. And the fact of the matter is that most of us don’t have time to learn all the new “dialects.” Thus, many of our kids know more than we in the world of technology, and there’s no sense in pretending otherwise.

However, we need to remember that one area of relative weakness doesn’t disqualify us overall. Some of my students’ parents made the sad mistake of believing they’d lost the right to have any authority with their kids simply because of the language issue; thus, instead of acknowledging one weakness but lovingly yet firmly asserting their right to speak into their children’s lives in other areas, they just gave up. And that’s when they lost their kids’ hearts.

Our kids really do need us. They need to learn from the wisdom we’ve gleaned over the years. We have to find ways to keep on being their mentors despite how technology issues pull on them. My students whose parents gave up suffered for it. What will you do to hold on and not let your kids go?

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Photo Credit: sophie & cie

CK

Step Out and Walk

As Kathy Koch explains in Chapter 7 of Screen and Teens, several factors related to technology and our culture as a whole contribute to the lies our kids might believe about authority. She also provides excellent, practical tips about how we can help our kids navigate that rocky road to arrive at the truth of the matter.

Of course, the foundational truth we long for each of our kids to embrace is the reality that God is worthy of being each person’s ultimate authority because He alone is wholly trustworthy. But as parents, we play an important, God-given authority role in our kids’ lives as well – a job we must take seriously because (for better or worse) our kids’ ideas about God will spring (at least in part) from what they see in us.

We can’t be perfect models because we can’t be perfect. So when we mess up, we must humbly acknowledge our error and sin, asking our kids’ forgiveness. In fact, our willingness to do that will speak volumes in and of itself – about our understanding of our place in relation to God and about the work of His Spirit in our hearts.

But we can’t let our inevitable failures cause us to abdicate our responsibility. We can’t leave it to the church, counting on Sunday school and youth group; indeed, God has given the role of disciple-maker directly to parents (Deuteronomy 6. 6-7), not to our surrogates. In fact, multiple studies by Barna Research and others indicate that as many as 85% of kids from Christian homes walk away from God when parents rely on “the church” to be their kids’ primary spiritual influence. No, in God’s strength, we as parents must consciously choose to obey Him by taking on the mantle He’s given us.

Of course, that doesn’t mean spouting random verses all day long, and it’s not about becoming pharisaical about rules. Rather, we might best direct our kids’ minds and hearts toward the Lord by modeling for them the value of His Word in our own lives. The essence of Deuteronomy 6 is a call to incorporate the spiritual into our everyday, earthly activities – to learn to see God in everything so we can point Him out to our kids in natural ways. And part of how we can do that is by making room for His Word all throughout the day.

So arrange to do your personal devotions just before your kids wake up, enabling them to see your first priority first thing. Then work on a family memory verse or read a simple devotional together over breakfast. If your kids are home during the day, ask God for insight about how to naturally share His principles via everyday activities. Use your authority as the family schedule-builder to create time for each child’s personal devotions. And send your kids off to bed with encouraging Scripture on their minds.

We must be intentional about living Deuteronomy 6 – but in a way that is authentically real and natural. If that’s a struggle for you, begin praying for grace to make it happen. And then step out and try. If we want our kids to walk toward God, they must first see us walking there and beckoning them to join us.

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Photo Credit: photosavvy

CK

Being the Parent

My beautiful almost-13 year old had a meltdown today.

She asked me to do something for her, and I had no problem accommodating the request. However, I needed to verify the details of the situation, so I asked her to perform a simple task of which she is quite capable.

She refused.

I hadn’t immediately provided her with my reasoning, so I shared my rationale to help her understand my expectation. She’s a very logic-smart girl, so I figured that might make a difference.

Instead, she dug in her heels and said, “Fine. Forget it. I don’t need your help anyway.”

I was so thankful I heard and listened to the Lord’s prompting in my spirit to stay calm; I don’t obey that wisdom often enough, but at least I latched onto it in that moment. So I didn’t raise my voice. However, I also knew I couldn’t back down. For my daughter’s good, I needed to hold firmly to my expectation that she comply with my initial, very simple request of her. Even though sticking to my guns made her extremely unhappy – and, in fact, made me quite uncomfortable – appeasing her to erase the short-term conflict between us would have been far worse in the end. Had I given in to her stubbornness, I’d have communicated that defiance wins and that anything that causes even mild unhappiness should be discarded.

My daughter isn’t actually immersed in technology; the entitlement mentality that burst forth in this situation was simply the expression of immature adolescence coupled with that which is common to us all – i.e., a tendency toward sin in one way or another. But given her age, she’s perhaps more prone than older people to believing the lie that she must always be happy. After all, even though she doesn’t yet own a cell phone or spend much time beyond her daily math lessons on the computer – choices my husband and I have purposely made for both our daughters to insulate them from some of the more serious effects of overexposure to technology – she’s growing up in a world where a few clicks or finger-swipes can appear to ameliorate any difficulty. Perhaps she didn’t see the need to justify her request of me because she can always restart her Friday afternoon Kindle game if she gets into a tough spot.

It broke my heart to stress out my daughter by insisting she comply; though she’s often quite stoic, she wrestled mightily to hold back tears, and later on did cry. However, certain as I was that my motivation wasn’t a power-play but, rather, an opportunity to demonstrate to her that she’d survive a moment of unhappiness, I had to proceed for her own ultimate good.

She was angry with me, but she finally obeyed. Then I hugged her and sat with her for a while, just as I’d done after I’d had to spank her as a child. Knowing her as I do, I’m certain she’ll remind me more than once that I required her to do something she disliked. But I had to see past the immediate situation to the big picture. I had to be the parent.

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Photo Credit: J.K. Califf

CK

Wheels and Fences

For several years now with my daughters, I’ve used an analogy similar to the wheel-and-spokes illustration Kathy shares in Chapter 4 of Screens and Teens.

As professing Christ-followers, we’ve discussed the importance of keeping Jesus at the hub of the wheel representing each of our lives, emphasizing that everything else - our gifts and talents, preferences, thoughts and actions, relationships – should properly remain as spokes in the wheel. Each spoke needs to be connected to and dependent on the hub for the wheel to function properly, and we can’t try to put any particular spoke in the hub’s rightful place. We’ve noted that lots of people like having God as a spoke but that few purpose to keep Him at the hub. We’ve also realized with chagrin how quickly the wheels of our lives fall out of alignment when we aren’t mindful, because we then end up letting God unconsciously slip from hub to spoke. And, of course, it’s painfully true that allowing anything but God to be at the hub promotes an unhealthy self-focus.

For some – folks of any age, but maybe especially young people, who have often not known life without it – use and overuse of technology can slip into that hub role and/or cause something other than God – friends, celebrities, games – to usurp His rightful position. After all, as Kathy points out, we can manipulate technology to “be about only what we like and want.” So it can easily contribute to selfish narcissism.

Obviously, technology is not inherently bad; it’s simply a tool. But, as with any potentially dangerous tool, we must be judicious in its use. And in the case of technology, I still believe – as I did several years ago when I started seeing more and more parents allowing their kids to use more and more technology at younger and younger ages – that setting boundaries and limits is the best way to temper the potential pitfalls.

I asked my daughters about this the other day. I’m sure they’d be excited if my husband and I got them smart phones for their upcoming birthdays and iPads “just because.” After all, they’re teenagers. So, though most of their friends happen to have technology limits similar to the ones we’ve set, they know they’re “different” because many of their peers are steeped in technology night and day. However, they both readily replied that they know the limits we’ve set for them are for their good.

Creating and maintaining limits on our kids’ use of technology is like putting a fence at the edge of a cliff overlooking a pristine, mirror-like pond. Any curious child will want to gaze into the pond, which, of course, shows him his own reflection in sharp detail. But if he gets caught up in looking for too long or leans over too far, he’ll forget where he is and tumble over the cliff to his doom. So the fence enables him to get appropriate glimpses from a safe vantage point while also providing the boundary he needs.

Though I might be mixing metaphors too much, I think it’s safe to say that good fences make for well-aligned wheels. So…how are the wheels and fence in your house today? 

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Photo Credit: Matthew Hillier

CK

Your Attitude Makes the Difference

When I interviewed for my first classroom-teaching job, my one request was that I be given a position with middle school students. And I still remember the surprise that lit up on the faces of all four members of the interview team. Sadly, I’m sure they had not often heard such a request; in fact, I’m certain they’d been asked just the opposite – “Anything but middle school, please!” – too many times to count.

Five years later, I opted – for reasons unrelated to the students – to transfer to the local high school. At that time, several “concerned” friends pulled me aside and asked, “Won’t you fear for your safety over there?”

Both attitudes grieved me deeply, as does the notion – expressed by way too many parents – that they hope to “somehow survive” their kids’ teenage years. As a culture, we’ve bought into the deeply damaging lie that teens are, by definition, “problematic,” to say the least. We expect them to be difficult and rebellious as a matter of course, and we excuse it when they are by saying, “Oh, well. They’re teenagers.”

I, however, reject all of that. Kids will rise or sink to our expectations of them. So if we communicate our belief that they’ll be rude and dismissive, they’ll be happy to oblige. But, on the other hand, if we seek to inspire them to live beyond the misguided stereotypes, they’ll jump at the chance.

I saw this daily with my former students at both schools. You see, they were not only teens; they were also poor minority immigrant kids learning English as a second language in a predominantly Caucasian city. So they had multiple “strikes” against them from the get-go, even in the eyes of many of my colleagues. Most people just didn’t expect much of those kids. And, sadly, far too many students chose to sink to meet those low expectations. However, I sought to honor and respect them – even the rough-around-the-edges wannabe gangsters. In fact, I worked really hard at it because I felt I had to overcome the negative influences if I could. And guess what? The kids behaved honorably with me in return; they strove to prove my high expectations right. It was obvious that they were grateful to have someone who believed in them.

So, too, with our kids and their “technology issues.” Yes, many teens have an addiction to technology such that it negatively affects their relationships and overall health. And we should not dismiss the problems anymore than I could ignore the times my students were in need of correction. However, if we choose to see our teens in an overall positive light and approach them with love and respect – rather than haranguing them about their overuse of technology (the very technology we, in fact, give them in the first place!) – we will have much better results (and grow rather than damage our relationships with them) as we help them escape technology’s pitfalls.

They will (temporarily – in our presence) change their outward behavior if we nag them into compliance by communicating that we see them as “incorrigible tech-addicted teens.” But if, on the other hand, we lovingly redirect them while expressing our belief in their abilities to choose wisely, we’ll accomplish so much more. Your attitude about your teens ­– regarding this and every other issue – makes all the difference.

*****

Photo Credit: Laura McFaddin

CK

Just in Time

I got my copy of Dr. Kathy Koch's new book, Screens and Teens, a couple weeks ago and started reading it a few days later. As I worked my way through the first chapter, two main thoughts stuck in my mind:

1. I’m more thankful than ever that my husband and I made a conscious choice to limit our daughters’ use of technology when they were younger;
2. I’m glad I’m reading the book now when the girls are on the edge of adolescence since their interaction with technology will necessarily be increasing over the next few years.

My daughters are nearly 13 and almost 14. When they were preschoolers, very few parents in our social circles were using smart phones, and tablets hadn’t yet entered the scene. However, many folks we knew had discovered online learning games and chose to allow their kids to spend multiple hours a day playing. I never felt that same draw, not because I was judging the other parents’ decisions, but simply because my husband and I were personally more interested in promoting “unplugged” play and learning.

The girls often watched one movie a day via DVD, but that was it. And it wasn’t until about a year ago that we decided to let them play some Kindle games. But even then we set a boundary: the games are generally only for weekends and then only for 30 minutes a day (on Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday). And knowing what I now know from Kathy about how young people’s interaction with technology actually rewires their brains, I’m sure we made the right choices for our kids and our family.

However, I’m not a Luddite when it comes to technology. I’ve been blogging and reading others’ blogs for years and have been an active participant on several social media sites. I also currently have my own website and moderate a Facebook group with more than 5,000 members. So my goal in consciously shielding my kids from technology while they were young was not to hide them from it; rather, my idea was to set boundaries and open them up gradually in due time.

Thus, the timing of Kathy’s book couldn’t be better for me. I don’t foresee any of us getting a smart phone anytime soon – that just doesn’t happen to be a priority for our family, and I can honestly say we’re doing just fine with our “dumb phones.” But my older daughter is interested in joining Facebook, perhaps followed shortly thereafter by her younger sister. And I know that’s just the tip of the iceberg. So I need to be aware of ways to make good use of the benefits of technology while helping my kids to guard against its pitfalls. And that’s what Kathy’s book is all about.

Whether your child has been downloading apps since he was two or is on the precipice of tech involvement like my kids, I encourage you to get your own copy of Screens and Teens. Begin reading through it as Kathy and I spend the next several weeks sharing our thoughts with you, chapter by chapter. You’ll be glad you did.

CK

It’s Got to Start Somewhere

A while ago, I spoke with a dad who asked, “Don’t you think you should put your kids into school so they have the chance to be bullied?”

Yes, he was serious.

Sheltering my kids from bullying is not my primary reason for home-educating. However, I’m grateful that one side benefit of our family’s educational choice is that my girls needn’t endure the torture of bullying I suffered in elementary school years ago and that far too many kids of all ages battle today.

The man who questioned me sincerely felt that kids should have the “opportunity” (his actual word) to be bullied so they’ll “toughen up and learn to deal.” He was very polite about it, but he clearly believed I was depriving my kids by keeping them from that “rite of passage.”

As genuine as he was, I believe that man is symbolic of one of the biggest reasons that bullying is such a big (and growing) threat: the expectation that it’s normal and unavoidable. That same misguided mindset is why many classroom teachers turn a blind eye to bullying and why too many administrators do nothing to help, even after kids and their parents bring serious problems to their attention. They all seem to be thinking, “Oh, it’s not that big a deal. They’ll all just grow out of it.”

Yes, kids will be kids – they are as sinful as grown-ups – and some will bully. But it’s about time we adults step up to the plate and announce, in no uncertain terms, that it is not okay…or normal…or expected.

Expectations – whether positive or negative – are often self-fulfilling prophecies. Thus, if we expect a child to respect adults (and also teach the skills inherent in the task and consistently correct missteps), most of the time we’ll get it. If we expect diligent effort on schoolwork, we’ll generally get it. If we expect children to walk away from drug experimentation, most will comply. But, if we expect mouthiness, we’ll get it. If we expect sexual promiscuity, we inherently communicate the belief that it’s unavoidable, and kids will comply. And, if we expect them to bully, that’s what we’ll see.

Changing our culture’s view of bullying appears to be as likely as turning the Queen Mary in a bathtub. But, as impossible a task as it might seem, it’s got to start somewhere.

So what if every person reading this column commits to quit expecting bullying and chooses, instead, to educate and consistently correct the children over whom we have influence? That’s a drop in the bucket compared to all the adults who need a perspective shift. But large, long-term change most often starts as a small, grassroots effort. It’s got to start somewhere.

*****
Photo Credit: englishkid01

CK

Giving Credit Where It’s Due

When I think of competence, my friend and former worship pastor, Chad, is among the first to come to mind. A pianist and singer, Chad is one of the most gifted musicians I’ve ever met. His talent often awes an audience. All the more so because – though he certainly studied his art and now practices regularly – what he does seems to come largely from natural ability that is “just there.”

Even more astounding, though, is Chad’s perspective on the matter. I’ve been a musician since I was 11 years old so I’ve spent time with some very talented people over the years. And, as anyone involved in the arts can attest, that world is a hot bed of ego and pride. In fact, I’ve both fallen into the trap myself and seen many others consumed by the idea that their artistic competence makes them “better.”

But Chad – whom people often place on a pedestal because of his obvious gifts – is also among the most humble men I know. In fact, he works much harder at remaining humble – at seeing what he would say is the sorry state of his own soul in light of God’s glory – than at anything he does musically. He gives credit where it’s really due, saying, “God, the talent I have is not really mine. It’s a gift from You.” Then he takes it a step further by also saying, “So, Lord, use what You’ve given to point others to You and You alone.”

And that’s as it should be. Any Christ-follower needs to grasp some very important ideas in regards to Dr. Kathy’s five core needs model: first, your ultimate security, identity, and belonging are in God through faith in Christ’s work on the cross; second, as a result of placing your faith in Jesus, God will show you His purposes for your life and give you whatever competences you need to fulfill those purposes. It’s all about Him and comes back to Him.

And that’s what we need to communicate to the young people in our lives. God has, of course, given each one talent and gifts; in fact, even those with severe disabilities that make them seem “useless” to the world have specific purposes for being here. So it’s an error in thinking for a child to believe he’s “not good at anything.” And we need to help him see and develop his areas of competence. But then we also need to show him the Author and Creator of all talent so – like Chad – he can give credit where credit is due.

*****
Photo Credit: Nick-K

CK

The Chief End of Man

In college, I attended a lovely, Bible-teaching church that ascribed to the Westminster Confession of Faith and Catechisms. This comprehensive document expounds upon the major tenets of the Christian faith. And, since each of its statements contains Scripture proofs, my pastor sought creative ways to familiarize the congregation with it. As a start, he asked an artistically gifted member to paint the first ten catechism questions onto the lobby walls.

The first one, positioned directly across from the entrance, met us squarely in the eye as we came through the doors:

What is the chief and highest end of man?
Man's chief and highest end is to glorify God, and fully to enjoy him forever. (Romans 11:36; 1 Corinthians 6:20, 10:31; Psalms 16:5-11)

“End” in this case equals purpose. So a more contemporary interpretation of the precept could be:

What is a person’s main purpose?
To honor God and enjoy Him forever

Thus, according to God, my main reason for living is to honor Him – to believe, obey, emulate, praise, and point others to Him. When my words and actions line up with that purpose, I’m on the right track; when I run counter to it, I’ve stumbled and lost my way.

To illustrate, consider my pastor’s daughter, a teen who recently participated in our city’s marathon. Megan has cerebral palsy so, though she can walk, she could never attempt such a feat on her own. Instead, the church sponsored four special running chairs through an organization called My Team Triumph, and Megan captained one of the teams. She “ran” the entire marathon with the help of able-bodied racers who took turns pushing her chair.

Megan is cognitively disabled, has one paralyzed arm, and cannot really run. She’ll always need another’s care. From a “survival of the fittest” mentality, some would question her purpose for being. But Megan glorified God on race day by pointing others to Him.

As she needed help to run the race, she reminded us that we need help, too, because we cannot dream of getting to heaven without Jesus having run for us. And, as Megan beamed throughout the day, she reminded us of the joy we have when we allow Jesus to direct our life’s journey.

Whether or not you’re “important” in the world’s eyes, you can be like Megan. You can fulfill your chief purpose every day, through big actions and small. In return, God will reward you with peace, contentment, and joy in every temporal circumstance.

*****
Photo Credit: susan_d_p

CK

It's More Than Work

Graduation season is upon us. I know several high school seniors and three college seniors, all of whom await their upcoming graduation ceremonies with giddy anticipation. Of course, they’re appropriately proud of their accomplishments, but most are mainly excited about “being done.”

However, just under the surface of that joy may lay a gnawing little nugget of angst that asks, “Now what?” For a high school grad going on to college, the question isn’t as daunting. He’s a bit nervous about the transition to college, but he knows his role will not change much; come fall, he’ll be in a different place learning new things, but he’ll still be a student, and his primary “purpose” will be the same as it’s been for the previous 13 years.

In contrast, though, a college graduate or a high school senior not planning to attend college faces a completely different scenario. Her identity as “student” and her self-defined main purpose – studying and learning – will evaporate as she joins the graduation procession. And in our current economy, she has no guarantee of quickly replacing her current identity and purpose with new ones wrapped up in the word “employee.”

Ours is a work-based culture – we even explicitly tell children from a young age that their “job” is to learn. Thus, as adults we can believe that our sole purpose is work – to “live the American dream” or even just to provide for a family. And so, for young and old alike, we can feel as if everything falls out from under us if we have a tenuous “work purpose.”

But we need to remember that purpose is multi-faceted – it’s not all about “perfect” paid employment. We do need to encourage our grads to seek meaningful employment. But we should remind our child, nephew, friend, or former student who cannot find a “good job” that she is not rudderless. In the meantime, she can serve other purposes – and grow as a person in the process.

So the young lady who spends her summer volunteering in the church’s children’s ministry is fulfilling her purpose as a nurturer. The young man who’ll live with his grandfather to save on rent has purpose as a caregiver as well. And the gal who takes the tedious job at Wal-Mart can save money and develop patience.

This is a good “season” in our country to collectively remind ourselves that purpose does not equal paid employment. Yes, that’s part of it in many cases – but it’s not the end-all-and-be-all. We can use this time of questionable “work purpose” to remind ourselves and our young friends to explore and discover every aspect of our purposes for living.

CK

Michael

I’ll never forget the day I learned that Michael had been arrested. During the last week of summer vacation, Michael – a boy who’d been my student for a short time at the end of his eighth grade year and was scheduled to be in two of my classes for ninth grade – had gone out cruising with some of his “buddies” and ended up being the triggerman in a drive-by shooting. Thankfully, the victim survived, but 14-year old Michael was tried as an adult because of a “gang enhancer” clause in the law, a penalty he “earned” because of his extensive gang involvement – beginning at the age of eight! – in the state where he’d previously lived.

Michael’s classmates were abuzz with the news; I daresay language arts gave way to a civics lesson and “group therapy” that day! We’d all known about his gang involvement, and some of his classmates were either similarly connected or toying with the idea. But the prevailing question from the others was, “With all the risks and negative consequences, why would someone choose to join a gang?”

In a word, belonging.

Michael sought to belong, and he thought he found that in his gang. He didn’t have it at home. His mother didn’t know or care how to parent – in fact, she was absent even when she was present because she was a drug addict – and Michael never knew his father. He didn’t have it at school. For some reason, he’d never learned even the most basic skills and so – probably out of mounting frustration – he’d acted out so badly that he’d been expelled from not one or two but three schools before his mother sent him packing to live with his reluctant sister in my city.

Up until the shooting, he was sure he “belonged” with his gang. In fact, he took up the gun at the request of the leader because he was sure it meant he “really belonged.” But he was apprehended because one of his homeboys ratted him out. And, of course, no one from the gang attended his trial or visits him in prison.

When it comes to gangs, young people obviously must take personal responsibility and consciously choose to avoid them. We adults go a long way toward helping them in that endeavor by providing honest information about the perils and costs of gang involvement. But the best thing we can do is foster belonging – real belonging – in our homes and classrooms. The child who truly belongs in healthy groups will escape the negative alternatives.

CK

What Trevor Knows

As I mentioned last time, my friend Trevor is a special young man: student, dramatist, comedian, friend, son, brother, athlete… And he strives for excellence in each of these roles. But because he wisely understands that what he does is not who he is, he could put a serious knee injury into perspective – rightly seeing it as a bothersome obstacle rather than the devastation it might have been to someone else.

You see, Trevor’s identity – the essence of how he views himself – is wrapped up in his Savior, Jesus Christ. Trevor knows in the core of his being that – aside from all his temporal roles and activities – he is really and most importantly a deeply loved child of God, adopted into that relationship through his faith in Jesus’ death and resurrection (Ephesians 1:5). Trevor has chosen to “hang his hat” on that truth, and it makes a huge difference in his day-to-day life.

He’s already temporarily lost his athletic ability, and one day he’ll no longer be able to play basketball at all. One day, he may take a class that throws him for a loop – and the barely-passing grade he’ll earn could wreck his GPA. Friends will betray him. He’ll lose a job. His parents will die. He’ll gain new roles in due time, but even the various things he does throughout his adult life will each be fleeting and merely “for a season.”

In contrast, his identity as a child of God is solid, unchanging, and eternal. As a result, Trevor is ultimately secure, no matter what troubles come his way. What about the young people in your life? When you ask, “Who are you?” what do they say?

We all perhaps think first about our various “jobs” (I’m a wife, mom, teacher, writer), and kids will probably answer in similar ways. But are they clinging to those various roles, relying on activities and human relationships to give their lives meaning? Or can they put all of that into proper perspective and see that, ultimately, who they comes down to their response to Jesus? Can you?

*****

My soul finds rest in God alone

My Rock and my Salvation.

A Fortress strong against my foes,

And I will not be shaken.

Aaron Keyes

CK