Make Sure Your Kids Remember

Next Monday is Memorial Day. How do you mark the occasion? Do your children know the real reason for the holiday?

I daresay many do not. If your kids attend a conventional public or private school – or if you follow a traditional “school calendar” in your homeschooling endeavors – it’s probable that they think of it merely as the first day of summer break or an extra day off before the final push to the end of the school year a week or two later. If they catch news reports, they may see it as “the unofficial start of summer.” Alternately, they may view it as part of the long weekend when you open the family cabin or host your first backyard bonfire of the year.

Even those who acknowledge something of the patriotic significance of the day often get it wrong, going out of their way to thank active-duty military members or veterans for their service. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging the sacrifices made by such men and women any day of the year, but my military friends tell me they’d rather not be thanked on Memorial Day. They know the day is actually meant to pay homage to those who made the ultimate sacrifice, and they’d rather you focus Memorial Day on those heroes than on them.

When I was growing up in the midst of the national malaise following America’s withdrawal from Vietnam, many people didn’t want to honor those who’d lost their lives in that campaign, believing that doing so would endorse our country’s involvement in that conflict. Perhaps the same could be said – to a greater or lesser degree – in regards to other wars in which the United States has been involved. But the fact remains that men and women who enlist in the military do so with the full knowledge that they may be called upon to give up their lives for others. They sign the papers anyway and then hop the busses to basic training.

In John 15.13, Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” He, of course, laid down His life for our souls, but in the context of the passage – which challenges people to love each other – He clearly indicates that those who sacrifice their lives for others are to be lauded.

You may not yet have educated your children on the real meaning of Memorial Day, but you can start this year. Even as you continue family camping or beach traditions, find ways to acknowledge the reason for the day: read appropriate picture books to your youngest kids, watch and discuss a war-related movie like Saving Private Ryan with your teens, attend a Memorial Day service at a local cemetery. Your freedom to partake in various recreational endeavors exists because of the service of others, including those who never made it back home. Always remember, and make sure your kids do too.

CK

Photo Credit: joey zanotti

Take Heart

I’ve experienced a couple of significant transitions this year.

First, both my daughters graduated from our homeschool. When we’d decided that they’d graduate together, I knew I’d be in for a systemic shock when it happened. After all, I’d instantly lose an important “job” I’d officially held since 2007, and even my mothering role would change once the girls were recognized as bona fide adults. I’d purposed over the years to guard against making the title of “homeschool mom” the core of my identity. But it would also be delusional to believe that transitioning from that role would be seamless. Anyone who pours her heart and soul into a big “project” for almost 20 years is bound to experience loss when it wraps.

And then my younger daughter eloped with the love her life – less than a week after she’d turned 18! Thankfully, my husband and I love our new son-in-law. In fact, we’d fully anticipated an eventual wedding, and I’d embraced the idea that my transition from homeschool mom would include a stint as wedding planner and mother of the bride. Instead, lockdown-related restrictions scared the young couple, leading them to figure out how to marry in a pandemic. They live only a few miles from us, and I literally see her almost every day. But having one of my baby girls officially leave the nest has, indeed, been quite a transition.

The pandemic wreaked havoc with my older daughter’s plans, causing her to take an unplanned gap year. So, she’s still home. But, as I anticipated, parenting an adult child – even one who is very respectful and responsible and a lot like me – is a brand-new life experience.

And I’m a creature of habit. In fact, my husband’s very accurate nickname for is me “Rou-Tina,” which makes change – even happy developments like gaining a new family member and successfully launching my children into adult life – harder on me than it might be for others. But I’ve decided not to beat myself up over it. 

Change is obviously inevitable; you may have experienced some big transitions in your life this year, too. And we must guard against wallowing in the past, wishing everything would stay the same when we know full-well it can’t. But we have to give ourselves grace.

For one thing, loathing negative change, such as the death of a loved one, isn’t wrong. And being nostalgic because time marched on more quickly than we’d prefer is natural. It’s also normal – because of how our culture treats the Christmas season – to experience such feelings more deeply at this time of year. If you’re feeling off-kilter right now due to transitions you’ve experienced over the past several months, welcome to the human race!

We must, of course, keep walking through valleys – armed with the Word of God and the encouragement of fellow believers – so we don’t get stuck. But if you’re in a change-initiated valley now, take heart. To paraphrase 1 Corinthians 10.13, nothing “has seized you except what is common to man. But God is faithful; He will not let [your transitions be more than] you can bear. …He will provide…so that you can stand up [through them].”

CK

Don’t Grow Weary

Fourth of July was certainly surreal. Though some communities hosted parades and fireworks, most events were cancelled. Some gathered for picnics, but many stayed home. President Trump’s pro-America visit to Mount Rushmore stood in stark contrast to continued anti-America riots. In fact, the whole first six months of this year have made being an American very stressful, causing many to suffer from crisis fatigue and making many just want to give up caring.

 

As tempting as that sounds, it’s unwise. Of course, Christians must remember that our ultimate citizenship is in Heaven, not with any country on Earth. Thus, we must avoid placing any nation-state on a pedestal and should acknowledge America’s unavoidable imperfections.

 

On the other hand, God chooses to place each individual in a particular place at a certain time in history. That means He intended for Americans to be Americans. And patriotism isn’t a sin. We can genuinely love and appreciate the beautiful aspects of America – past and present – and also admit its failures – past and present. We can hope, pray, and work for constructive change and also decry illogical, unnecessary destruction. It’s not a matter of either/or; it’s about both/and.

 

And for the sake of our kids, we must stay engaged and find that middle ground.

 

I have only a few vivid memories of growing up in the 1970s – but every one of them is tinged with angst. I recall President Nixon’s depressing resignation speech. I watched coverage of Americans evacuating the US Embassy in Vietnam. I heard about gas lines and 20% interest, packed up my belongings as my parents’ house was foreclosed upon, and fretted over Americans held hostage in Iran. My parents didn’t talk with me about any of it, so I absorbed the general malaise that hung over the nation. And I entered into young adulthood with a very unhealthy, skewed view of America.

 

The chaos of current events certainly rivals that of the ‘70s. And it has stressed our kids. Children and teens are resilient; they can come through trying times with hope for the future. But they need our example and guidance to do so.

 

It’s our job to listen as they express fears. It’s our job to answer their questions as best we can. It’s our job to show them a broader, historical perspective and to direct them toward seeing things from God’s point of view. It’s our job to pray with and for them, maybe now more than ever before.

 

When our current turmoil passes – and it will – you’ll want your kids to emerge clothed in optimism, hope, and peace. “So, let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” (Galatians 6.9)

CK

Photo Credit: Dome Poon

Be Real but Land Correctly

Music-smart people “think with rhythms and melodies” and gravitate toward understanding the world and expressing themselves through both. God has chosen to make me quite music-smart, and I’ve been able to utilize that throughout my life in many different ways.

One of the most meaningful Holy Week experiences I’ve ever had occurred several years ago my then-worship pastor asked me to be part of the Good Friday music team. In addition to leading the congregation in several meaningful songs, we opened the service with a special music piece in which eight singers stood in a semi-circle facing a large cross we’d secured onto the sanctuary’s platform. We sang the beautifully haunting piece a capella – without any instrumentation – in four-part harmony, endeavoring to listen as carefully as possible so we’d all stay in tune with each other and hit every note on-pitch. Our goal was to glorify the Lord, aiming to honor His sacrifice on the cross by drawing people into worship through our words and notes. Without accompaniment, the task was incredibly challenging, but God honored our desire by enabling us to “nail it,” as musicians say. As our last notes drifted away through the sanctuary, the congregation responded as we’d hoped they would – sitting in awed silence, not at our “performance” but at God’s amazing gift of salvation as expressed in the song. Many of us shed tears of joy as we smiled at each other across our little circle, and recalling the experience has made me emotional all over again.

It’s very important – in regards to any of our “smarts” – to avoid idolizing the strength itself or the things that support it. For example, I need to remember that the most important thing about worship music is the God it’s designed to glorify. Music draws me into worship, but I must guard against “worshipping” the music itself, whether I’m listening or performing. That, however, doesn’t negate the fact that limits on our ability to use our God-given “smarts” do hurt.

And that has been my experience since my church was forced by the COVID-19 situation to move to online services a few weeks before Easter. It’s natural for me – by God’s design – to be drawn to Him when believers join together in song. I know I can’t do anything about it right now, but I transparently admit that listening from my living room with just my family to the few musicians allowed to gather on Saturday mornings to record music for the streamed Sunday services just isn’t “real church” for me. It’s still my responsibility to worship, but the unfortunate limits placed on my music-smart strength right now challenge me emotionally. Holy Week didn’t “feel” like Holy Week because my God-given learning strengths couldn’t be fully expressed.

Perhaps you or your children have been experiencing similar feelings as the expression of your/their “smarts” has been altered in one way or another during this trying time. Don’t dismiss that; it’s important for our overall well-being to feel our feelings instead of “stuffing” them. So, if this past week didn’t “feel” like Holy Week to you, it’s okay to admit that. Just don’t get stuck there.

Just as God is far bigger than current events, He’s also big enough to handle our feelings. So, be real, but remember to ultimately land every day on what matters most of all: No matter what, Jesus IS risen (He is risen indeed!).

CK

Photo Credit: Jon Tyson

It Might as Well Be You

Are you feeling the pressure of the Christmas Crazies yet?

For many, this sense of feeling constantly stressed and overwhelmed starts the week of Thanksgiving and carries all the way through December into New Year’s Eve. First, they fret over preparing the “perfect” Thanksgiving meal – and/or having to endure a long holiday weekend with particular stress-inducing relatives. Then they dive headlong into “Black Friday” and “Cyber Monday” bargain-hunting but still worry right up until Christmas Eve that they don’t have “enough” of the “right” gifts. In between, they hunt down the “perfect” Christmas tree, aim to fill their homes with “perfect” holiday décor, bake batches and batches of “perfect” Christmas cookies, draft a “perfect” family Christmas letter, pour over recipes to plan yet another multi-course holiday meal with the same unpleasant relatives, and try to squeeze in a visit for the children with a mall Santa. They might also haul reluctant kids to practices for the church Christmas program, scour clothing racks for “perfect” family Christmas outfits, and prepare “perfect” goodies for the school or homeschool co-op Christmas party. And as all of this is going on, they surround themselves with streaming Christmas carols and grumble each time they hear a refrain mentioning peace or joy. “If only,” they mutter while pulling gaudy wrapping paper over yet another present they hope against hope its recipient will actually enjoy.

When we stop and think about it, most of us can readily admit we hate the chaos. But we feel stuck. We muddle through because we’ve done it “forever” and because everyone around us is in the same boat. But is that really a good reason to stay on the hamster wheel?

I think not.

Habit, others’ expectations, and cultural norms are never good reasons to partake in activities that make us emotionally – and even physically – sick. It may feel odd to step out of the holiday vortex, and friends and family may question or criticize. But we can still decide to take a different path if we really want to. It’s simply a matter of personal choice and a commitment to follow through – with love and grace – despite possible detractors.

So…ponder what actually brings peace and joy to your home and heart at this time of year, and focus on that and that alone. If a long-standing tradition brings more angst than peace, set it aside this year. If a particular activity steals your joy, take a break or at least tweak it somehow. You can always go back to it next year, but you may find you don’t really miss it after all.

When a society’s behaviors become unhealthy for its individual members, someone has to step out and say, “Enough is enough.” It might as well be you…and me.

CK

Photo Credit: Clipart Library

What Have You Done Today?

On Mother’s Day seventeen years ago, I was featured on the front page of my local metro newspaper. Shortly after delivering my youngest daughter on the previous Tuesday, I’d been asked if I’d consider sitting for an interview and photos for the paper’s Mother’s Day edition, the results of which turned out to be a long article and a big, bold, top-of-the-fold photograph of my newborn and me, in addition to pictures of my husband and our older daughter. My family was apparently “interesting” that year since our girls are Irish Twins, having been born just 11.5 months apart. Thus, the reporter mentioned how I hadn’t been a mother at all the previous year but was suddenly a mother of two who weren’t actual twins.

Setting aside the reality a presumably secular reporter wouldn’t understand – i.e., we had an older daughter, lost to a miscarriage two years earlier, who’d actually made me a mother, or at the very least that I was already a mother when pregnant with my older surviving daughter – it was an interesting experience. I am photo-phobic to begin with, and I definitely didn’t relish the thought of my picture being splashed all over the front page of the paper less than a week postpartum. But I chose to do it for my girls – to make a family memory of our somewhat unique situation. I wanted to demonstrate that I valued them by taking advantage of an unusual opportunity even though it shoved me far outside my personal comfort zone.

Thankfully, I don’t often need to go to – what was for me – such an extreme. In fact, we most often demonstrate to a child that he or she has value in the little things – i.e., massaging his dimpled baby-thighs after a warm bath, cuddling up to read to her (the same book for the umpteenth time!), consoling him after a tumble off his new two-wheel bike, celebrating her first solo dance at a recital, putting down our phones when they need to talk… Yet we must still be intentional about communicating to them – regularly and sincerely, in actions and words – that they have deep value to us and in this world.

Sadly, kids will not be taught that truth elsewhere. By God’s grace, they’ll have a few encouraging teachers and coaches along the way and will find supportive friends. But the tragic reality is that much of what they’ll face in the world – even as young children – will seek to tear down their sense of inherent worth. So, if we want our kids to be immune to such assaults on their emotional and spiritual well-being, we must purpose to provide daily inoculation against it by clearly and directly – in big ways and small – communicating that they are, indeed, important and valuable.

What have you done today in that regard?

CK

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Photo Credit: Tommaso Scannicchio

Step Out in Faith

I didn’t grow up going to church. And the churches I’ve attended as an adult have, by and large, not given much attention to “Holy Week.” Some have marked Palm Sunday in a special way – but some have not. And none has encouraged its members to commemorate the Scriptural events that occurred on Monday through Thursday before Good Friday, nor to do anything significant with Saturday. And for a long time, I didn’t give that a second thought.

But several years ago, I started wondering about that Saturday – i.e., how I should treat the day in between remembering Jesus’ death on Friday and resurrection on Sunday. On the one hand, it seemed we should be quiet and circumspect since Jesus’ original followers were mourning what they believed to be the insurmountable death of their leader. On the other, we know now, even as we attend somber Good Friday services, that Jesus overcame the grave. So, is it really necessary to attempt to imitate the disciples’ grief all through Saturday?

I actually think the answer to that question may be different for different families – and in different seasons of life. I am certain, though, that it’s important to help our children understand that there is far more to “the Easter story” than the events we remember during the week’s church services. And, in fact, we as parents – not our kids’ Sunday school teachers or even our pastors – are the ones called by God to fully train up our own children in the faith (Deuteronomy 6.7).

In regards to “Holy Week” when my kids were young, my husband and I used a few specific learning tools, including Resurrection Eggs, videos from NEST Entertainment, and some beautiful Easter-oriented picture books, to walk them through the historical events that occurred daily between Palm Sunday and Easter. And one year we read Amon’s Adventures, a marvelous multi-week devotional by Arnold Ytreeide. The goal each year has been to remind them – and ourselves – that important, prophetic events occurred on each day of that special week

As you read this, we’re in the midst of “Holy Week.” And perhaps you’re now feeling guilty because, though your kids marched down the church aisle waving palm branches last Sunday and will come with you to church on Friday and this coming Sunday, you hadn’t given any thought to any other sort of remembrance before now. But don’t despair! You don’t need fancy resources to disciple your children; you just need the desire, a Bible, and the Holy Spirit who lives within you!

So, take a bit of time as a family each day this week to read in Matthew as listed below, backtracking as necessary depending on when you start. Then discuss your thoughts together afterward. You lead your children spiritually by stepping out in faith, no matter how tentatively. And what better week to start than this?

• Palm Sunday: Matthew 21.1-11
• Monday: Matthew 21.12-17
• Tuesday: Matthew 21.23-25
• Wednesday: Matthew 26.1-5
• Thursday: Matthew 26.17-30
• Good Friday: Matthew 27.1-61
• Saturday: Matthew 27.62-66
• Easter Sunday: Matthew 28.1-10

CK

It’s Your Choice

Even though a short study of the details described in Luke 1 show us with certainty that Jesus was actually born in the fall – during the Jewish month of Tishrei, which corresponds to September/October on the Gregorian calendar – celebrating Jesus’ birth on December 25 first occurred in 336AD by the decree of the Roman emperor Constantine, who had claimed a conversion to Christianity. And a few years later, Pope Julius I declared that December 25 would be the official day of celebration within the Church. Purposely or not, this timeframe coincided with the Roman festival of Saturnalia, an Italian harvest celebration dedicated to the Roman god Saturn. Without thinking much of it, new Gentile converts to Christianity carried many practices common to Saturnalia into their Christmas celebrations, and that ancient syncretism is the root of our culture’s odd mix of secular and sacred at this time of year.

Nearly 1700 years later, it’s highly unlikely that these two threads will be unwoven any time soon. Those who want a secular Christmas – which is, of course, an amusing oxymoron since Christmas means “Christ’s mass” – must wrangle with nativity scenes, religious carols, and invitations to Christmas Eve church services. And folks who want Jesus to be the reason for the season are stuck with the conspicuous consumption and rowdy parties prevalent during Saturnalia, as well as more modern secular manifestations like reindeer, snowmen, and fruitcake.

Whatever our personal preferences, we can each choose to let this unavoidable tension make us angry and combative…or not. The cultural reality is what it is, and it’s not going to change. But how we respond is up to each of us, individually. It’s a choice.

And knowing history can help us to choose peace and grace. In truth, it’s inaccurate to say that secularism has “ruined” Christmas because, in reality, early Christians co-opted and overtook what was originally a secular holiday. But – just as He promised – the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus has been the single-most influential set of events in human history, and its effects have rippled far and wide across time and around the globe. Thus, there is no real “Christmas war.” December 25 – and the days and weeks surrounding it on either side – are not just secular and not only sacred. This is truly a case of both-and, not either-or.

So, think through your worldview perspective in a very conscious way, and then intentionally choose which cultural traditions you want to employ to support your values. Do teach them to your children “when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up” (Deuteronomy 6.7). But then choose to ignore – without malice – other traditions. Your non-Christian neighbor is celebrating in the tradition of the end-of-year pagan Saturnalia festival. You’re wanting to mark Jesus’ nativity, albeit about three months too late. Pray, of course, for your neighbor to come to Christ, but give grace no matter what, knowing that, in reality, you’re both participating in long-held cultural traditions and no one has “stolen” anything from anyone else.

You can stress and fret, or you can enjoy a merry Christmas as you see fit. It’s your choice.

CK

Honesty Builds Trust

One of my main goals as a parent has been for my kids to know they can trust me. And one thing I’ve done to build trust is promising to answer any direct question honestly. Of course, I’ve also been mindful of providing developmentally appropriate responses, so some answers are very short, focused only on the exact question being asked without additional exposition. But I aim to avoid skirting around an issue, no matter how uncomfortable, and I don’t lie in response to any direct question.

Thus, when my seven-year old asked – just as we were pulling into the grocery store parking lot! – how a baby gets into a mommy’s tummy, I took a deep breath, paused to gather my thoughts, and replied, “Well, a daddy’s sperm joins with a mommy’s egg and then a baby starts to grow.” Satisfied, she said, “Oh, okay,” and hopped out of the car. But it clearly stayed on her mind because she announced fifteen minutes later in the middle of the store, “Oh, I get it! The sperm floats over to the egg!” I was embarrassed but didn’t want her to be, so I said, “Yes, you’re exactly right, honey,” before redirecting her attention to helping me find the Goldfish crackers.

We chose to allow our kids to believe in Santa, and we enjoyed the happiness the myth brought them. But when they asked me point-blank if Santa was real, I told them the truth. And when they asked why their aunt was getting a divorce, I didn’t deflect. Instead, I explained the complicated situation as best I could without oversharing.

It’s tough to be this vulnerable with kids. Since they have permission to ask any question with the expectation of an honest answer, I must be mentally prepared for whatever might come my way. And, of course, as they get bigger, so does the nature of the questions they ask. Now that my kids are teens, they ask about my experiences as a young adult, and I have to admit when I made choices I now regret. I hate that – and I always couch my honest answer with the insight I’ve gained over the years in order to show that I realize how my youthful poor decisions weren’t always wise. But in committing to honesty for the sake of building my kids’ trust in me, I don’t sugarcoat the past.

By God’s grace, I see this approach bearing fruit, and I regularly pray that it always will. Recently one of my daughters made a very foolish choice that could have led to extremely serious negative ramifications – and she hid her actions from me. Through what can only have been God’s leading, I discovered her lie and confronted her in love. I was just as upset over the lie as the broader situation, and I was able to say, “Honey, it hurts that you’ve lied because you know I’ve always promised to be honest with you.” That statement broke her, so to speak, because she knew it was true. At that point, we could begin – in honesty – to deal with the actual problem at hand.

Honesty is hard. But it builds trust for your kids’ ultimate benefit. Are you willing to commit to giving an honest answer to any direct question from your children?

CK

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Photo Credit: Picturepest

Mary and Regular Joe

Mary was a young teenager when she gave birth to Jesus. Joseph was a bit older, but he was certainly as unprepared as she to raise the child thrust upon him. The angel who initially encouraged each of them announced that the baby would be “the Savior,” so they had a glimpse of how his life would turn out. But, of course, they couldn’t possibly have guessed the painful journey He’d need to take in the process.

Yet they managed, successfully raising Jesus to adulthood in the face of continual gossip about His paternity and despite living in relative poverty. How did they do it?

God didn’t give them the ethereal halos with which they’re so often portrayed in Medieval paintings. They were regular people, aiming to do their best – no doubt stumbling through plenty hard days along the way – without really knowing the “end game” for Jesus or their other children. They relied on the Scriptures available to them at the time, the Holy Spirit with Whom they’d been infused, and supportive friends, family, and community members. They lived by faith that God was with them and would guide them each day, week, month, and year.

Of course, none of our kids is destined to be the Savior of the world – that job’s already been taken! – but the Lord does have a unique, individual plan for each of them nonetheless. And He will guide us step by step, the same as He did Joseph and Mary, as we choose to walk by faith through the parenting process. Though His plan will sometimes differ from our expectations, He always works everything for the ultimate good of those who love Him. He did it for Mary and her “regular Joe” husband; He’ll do it for us, too.

CK

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Photo Credit: Charles Wiriawan

Strategically Winning December

My family thought I’d taken my well-earned nickname – “Rou-Tina” – a bit too far recently when I spent almost an entire day mapping out our December activities. My daughters and I take a break from most of our homeschool academic studies for most of the month, but I wanted to plan for the Advent devotionals we’ll be doing, and I needed to schedule daily practice time for their various instruments and make note of recitals and outside lesson times that occur throughout the month. There are also a few non-negotiable family traditions to incorporate, and I thought it would be fun to consider participating in some well-chosen Christmas-oriented community events.

Mapping it all out in table format allowed my picture-smart brain to see all the options, which was part of my goal. But it also helped me commit to another goal, which is to avoid holiday over-busyness. I know all too well – from personal experience as well as the regular laments of far too many friends – how easy it is to allow this time of year to become harried and hectic, the very antithesis of the beautiful, peaceful, reflective season it should be. I didn’t map things out to set a regimented, inflexible schedule – I fully anticipate that we’ll add some things and eliminate others as we go. But by laying out all the possible activities of which I’m already aware, I’ve been able to set a plan that I believe will allow us to actually enjoy the season.

Of course, every family has its own level of “tolerance” for a healthy amount of busyness. Thus, what would be crazy-busy for one family would represent the height of boredom for another, and what would constitute “just enough” activity for one would be chaos for another. I am planning for quiet, low-key weekday mornings and roughly two or three afternoon or evening activities of various sorts each week. I’ve avoided double scheduling – i.e., planning for two outside activities in one day – and, in fact, I’ve aimed for an activity no more than every other day because I know what my kids and I can handle. For each weekend – when my husband is home – I’ve listed one or two events to consider, and we’ll decide as a family when the time comes whether to do both, just one, or neither.

I realize that planning in December seems “unromantic” to some; in fact, there are those who appear to thrive on flying by the seat of their pants all year. But, realistically speaking, it seems that most of us too easily fall into the very stressful trap of non-stop activity because we haven’t taken time to set a course of action. I’d rather have my family tease me now and thank me later than find myself sniping at them because I’ve become over-extended. Strategy can win a war and it can “win December” too.

CK

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Photo Credit: Green Bay Botanical Garden

You Can Do That

My daughters recently turned 14 and 15, and my family and I will mark Independence Day in a couple of weeks as we have every year since they were one and two: at my husband’s parents’ home.

It’s a tradition we started after we’d determined that the celebration in our hometown was too big and not sufficiently family-friendly. Yet we wanted to mark our country’s birthday somehow, so my in-laws suggested we join them. And we had such a good time that we readily decided to make the trip an annual event.

We generally spend one or two overnights and enjoy low-key but fun activities during the day. We frequented a nearby playground during the first few years, and one year we visited an observation tower with an amazing marsh view. Lately, the girls have enjoyed the local aquatic center as well as helping my mother-in-law with the cooking and baking. And on the evening of the fourth, we always go to the same beautiful amphitheater-style park in a nearby town for an impressive concert and fireworks display, an event made extra-special for years because my father-in-law was the band’s bass drummer.

The tradition changed five years ago, though, when, after 45 years of dedicated service, Dad reluctantly retired from the band. Dictated by health concerns rather than an actual desire to hang up his drumsticks, the decision was understandably hard. He did enjoy attending as a spectator that first year, but his health continued to decline and he was never again able to join us in the park.

And now this year’s visit will be different again because he passed away last fall.

As the entire family has walked through a series of “firsts” without him for several months now, we’ll manage this one, too. I expect we’ll experience a fair amount of awkward melancholy and even some tears – most especially when the band launches into his favorite song, Invincible Fidelity, which they also played at his funeral. But we’ll smile as we remember him doing crossword puzzles at the breakfast table, telling funny stories about his childhood, and swinging his bass drum mallet at the back of the bandstand.

As you plan summer events this year, maybe you, too, are in a season of change. Maybe you’ve lost a loved one. Or perhaps some old traditions are morphing – or even fading away. I encourage you to accept the inevitable sadness that accompanies such circumstances, because denying it only prolongs grief. But purpose as well to avoid getting stuck in bitterness and angst. 

My father-in-law loved seeing us come through the door for our Independence Day visit, and I know he’d want us to continue the tradition even though it won’t be quite the same. I’ll encourage my mother-in-law, husband, and children to honor the joy our tradition brought him by adding new experiences and memories to the occasion.

You can do that, too.

CK

The Best Father’s Day Gift

Once upon a time, there was an amazing Dad. He’d worked very hard prior to the births of his children to build and furnish a spacious, beautiful home, and he endeavored to keep it stocked with anything and everything they would need. He saw to it that they had access to all the knowledge they’d ever need to live full and successful lives. He also made himself personally available each time any child called for him, purposing to be fully engaged in every conversation. In fact, he understood the mind and heart of each individual child so thoroughly that he could accurately personalize every interaction. And, like any good dad, he would die to save any of their lives.

On one particular Father’s Day, his children – who were not always appreciative despite all that their dad provided – were arguing about what to give him. Suddenly, he ambled into the room, his arms overflowing with gorgeously wrapped packages of various sizes. Without saying a word, he stood in front of each child in turn, and set nine boxes before each one. Then he stood back and grinned.

“Dad, what are you doing?” the oldest asked. “It’s Father’s Day; we’re supposed to give you something, not the other way around.”

Dad smiled even more broadly. “Well, you know I truly don’t need anything but your love. And I decided that what I really wanted was to give each and every one of you these nine very special gifts. You see, there’s a box with red shiny paper for each of you, and then the one with green and blue polka dots for each of you…and all the others. So you each have the same nine gifts, but I also worked really hard to customize them for each of you. I would be so blessed if you would open them all and use them all every day in each moment that you need them.”

Have you guessed yet about the nature of my little allegory? The dad is, of course, our Heavenly Father, and the nine gifts he presented to each of his children are the Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5.22-23). In reality, he lavishes that pile of blessings on us at the moment of each one’s spiritual birthday – the day any of us accepts Christ as Savior and, thus, becomes his spiritual child. But, of course, each spiritual birthday is like a Father’s Day to him, since each person’s choice to come to him by following Christ is what he most wants.

Some don’t realize the pile of gifts exists. Others see it but leave the packages in the corner, unopened. Still others open one or two, and leave the rest. And some open them all and do appreciate them all, but then put them on a shelf and too often forget to bring them down when they are most needed.

What our Father wants for us, though, is what the dad in the story said: I would be so blessed if you would open them all and use them all every day in each moment that you need them.

Will you honor your Heavenly Father on this Father’s Day and every day by doing that?

*****

Photo Credit: torbakhopper

CK

Tradition…Tradition

“Because of our traditions, every one of us knows who he is.”

That is a partial explanation of tradition, as given by Tevye, the protagonist in Fiddler on the Roof. And Tevye is right; tradition is important. Traditions give family members shared stories, even across generations, and provide hooks for our memories. As my mother-in-law would say in paraphrasing Jonas Salk, tradition gives us the roots that enable us to eventually develop wings to fly.

Sadly, though, I’ve noticed that many young parents seem to lack such rootedness.

Very often in recent years, especially around this time of year, I’ve seen a great many young moms beseeching social media groups: “What traditions should we start with our kids?”

I love that these women appreciate the value of tradition. But my heart breaks that they feel compelled to ask complete strangers for advice on the matter. That tells me they probably lack a history of memorable traditions to carry on from their own childhoods, and also that they doubt their abilities to develop meaningful traditions on their own without others’ approval. And it tells me they likely feel pressured by the “Pinteresting of Christmas” – i.e., the notion that they must put together the “perfect” Christmas image.

My daughters are now 13 and 14, and my family has traditions. We go to the same tree farm every year, and then my husband and daughters decorate the tree we’ve picked while I “supervise.” We read from the same series of Advent devotionals every December. The girls open one gift each – a new pair of pajamas - every year on Christmas Eve. And even though they’re well past the age of believing in Santa, we still go to see “our Santa” – the same man who’s played the role at a certain mall every year for the last 20.

Our traditions are sweet and beautiful. But here’s the thing: As organized as I typically am, I didn’t orchestrate a grand “tradition plan” right along with my birth plan. I didn’t scour the web in search of the “best” traditions. I didn’t survey my friends – or, heaven forbid, online strangers – to gauge whether or not I was doing it right. Instead, we’ve simply lived life together as a family – aiming to be in the moment at all times – and enjoy what has come our way. In the process, a series of traditions unique to our family was planted and has taken root.

If you’re seeking to strengthen your family with Christmas tradition – and I hope you are – I encourage you to plan a few activities you think would be fun and meaningful for your particular family…no matter who else is doing what. Then fully engage in them with your family and watch. Watch to see which ones really resonate so you can do them again. If you purpose to live your daily life being emotionally and relationally present for your family instead of fretting about getting the image of things “right,” I promise you that you will have those traditions – the ones that will undoubtedly cause your kids to know exactly who they are.

CK

We Must Be Careful

‘Tis the season for thankfulness posts.

Throughout the month, several of my Facebook friends have been listing things for which they’re thankful, sharing one blessing each day. Some blog writers have been doing the same in longer form. One blogger I follow also compiled a list of 30 Scripture passages about gratitude, which I printed out for daily reference. And, of course, there are myriad posts about kids’ thankfulness crafts, including the ubiquitous decorated “hand turkey” wherein a child lists one thing for which to be thankful on each finger-feather.

I celebrate all these types of reminders. With bad news swirling all around us and stress and pressure too often boiling up within us, we need ways to remember positive over negative, thankfulness over envy, and gratitude over cynicism. Even so, though, we must be careful.

I don’t complain about people being “fake” when they post only about “rainbows and unicorns” online, and I think it’s an unfair criticism in most cases. In my experience, those who only share the positive while online aren’t usually aiming for one-upmanship or to project an unrealistic image. More often than not, they’ve simply understood that Twitter and Facebook really aren’t the place for airing one’s dirty laundry, especially when difficulties involve others. They’re using social media as surface interaction so they purposely keep it light. But they’re usually more than willing to “get real” in appropriate contexts with real-life friends.

So my concern isn’t for what people might project in public with virtual strangers; in fact, I really do applaud those who protect their privacy and – most especially – that of their children. Rather, it’s for what we communicate to the children in our lives day in and day out, far beyond the official “season of thankfulness.”

Specifically, I would challenge us to avoid getting stuck in our culture’s Thanksgiving marketing campaign. In other words, we must purpose to remember our blessings every day of every month, not merely in November when we’re told we “should.” We must aim to praise God every day and in all circumstances, not merely when we read specific psalms as shared in November blog posts. And we must model for our children that, though Thanksgiving as a holiday may be a fun and special once-a-year occasion, thanksgiving as a lifestyle of contentment all year round should be the goal.

So…what will you do toward that end long after wrapping up the leftover potatoes and cranberry sauce?

CK

A Real Christmas

A friend stresses because her adult daughter refuses to set up a Christmas tree in her new apartment, leaving all the heirloom ornaments the mother collected over the years boxed up in storage.

Another woman bemoans the fact that she’s using a three-foot table tree because she doesn’t feel up to digging out her full-size version from the basement crawl space. She purchased a complete set of fancy new ornaments, but she’s still discontent.

Someone at church complains about the absence of a Christmas choir. And the similar lack of a special children’s program doubles her angst.

Another friend grieves because her children and grandchildren can’t all make it to her house on the same day. They’ll come at different times and each gathering will be sweet and joyful, but the fact that they won’t all be together at once irks her.

And many confess about how they cannot give their kids all the toys the children expect – based on the commercials and other marketing schemes to which they’ve been exposed for months. In fact, some will be lucky to wrap even a few small trinkets for each child, let alone anything with bells and whistles.

In every case, the sentiment that glares through the circumstances is that “it won’t be a real Christmas” because something or other is not “right.”

But what is a “real Christmas?” In reality, the birth of Christ – the occasion for which the event is named and which has long been its ultimate focus ­– most likely occurred in the fall, not winter. And nighttime temperatures in Israel average around 60^o Fahrenheit at that time of year, effectively shattering all the songs about silent, snow-filled evenings. In reality, God chose a poor carpenter and his fiancé as Jesus’ earthly parents, and no fanfare save for perhaps the bleating of sheep and the bray of a donkey greeted his birth. Kings did visit him, but they didn’t arrive until he was a toddler. And at one point the family fled to Egypt as refugees before returning to Galilee, where friends and family gossiped about the circumstances surrounding Jesus’ conception for years.

I don’t think it’s wrong that we use December 25 – which was chosen somewhere between 273 and 336 AD – as a common celebration day. I don’t think gifts, decorated evergreen trees, beautiful carols, time with family, or even fat men in red suits (a legend that originated in the real person of Nicholas of Myra, a devout Christ-follower) are blasphemous. However, when we come to feel that a Christmas celebration won’t be real when our modern, culturally driven ideals miss the mark, we cheat ourselves and send a dangerous message to our kids.

In reality, the only thing needed for a “real Christmas” is Jesus – and a heart inclined toward him. Take away every single thing we’ve built up over the years as representing “a real Christmas,” leaving only that, and you’ll have the most real celebration of your life.

*****

Photo Credit: More Good Foundation

CK

Being Thankful for America’s Roots

My daughters and I are currently studying the history of the mid-18^th century, including the fascinating life stories of many involved in the American Revolution. That, coupled with thinking and talking about the ramifications of elections earlier this month, has me pondering the concepts of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

I think it’s safe to say that most of us take those blessings for granted. To our shame, most haven’t read beyond the preamble to the Declaration of Independence, let alone the Constitution. And because the events that secured our freedoms occurred almost 250 years ago, it’s easy to dismiss them in the midst of our busy, modern lives. I believe we do so to our great peril. But in light of this week’s Thanksgiving holiday – which marks other significant events in our country’s history – we would do well to pause and consider those blessings more closely.

LIFE

We have it easy in this country compared to many around the world. We don’t fear being slaughtered because of our religious views, as is happening daily in Iraq and Syria. We needn’t wonder about the availability of the next good meal for our children; even those who struggle financially have safety nets that don’t exist elsewhere. When our kids get sick, we have access to the best medical treatment around. And yet we’re not immune to the realities of living in a fallen world – miscarriage, cancer, car accidents, mental illness – all of which should cause us to appreciate and value life, from conception to natural death. And the fact that we’re able to easily sustain comparatively healthy lives for ourselves and our kids should lead us to grateful humility.

LIBERTY

Without periodically reviewing history prior to the founding of the United States, we can’t properly appreciate the freedoms we enjoy here. I didn’t have a good grasp of world history until studying it with my daughters, but as we’ve progressed in our lessons, I’ve been astounded at the extreme levels of tyranny endured by so many in the past. America has certainly not been perfect in its application of liberty for all – and in our ignorance of history, we’re in jeopardy of allowing ourselves to lose it without even realizing what’s happened. But the fact is that “the American experiment” really has been the greatest application of human liberty for all, and we need to remember and appreciate it.

PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

We get confused about this, unconsciously buying into the myth that we’re somehow entitled to happiness. But the promise of the Declaration is freedom to pursue happiness, not a guarantee of its perpetual existence. We can’t always be happy in every circumstance; the realities of life simply preclude it, so demanding it is arrogant and immature. However, we’re free here to chase after our dreams – whatever they are – for ourselves and our kids. When we want to make changes, we have the liberty to do so, and we can find the means through our ingenuity and imagination. That’s simply not reality for most people around the world.

Every year at Thanksgiving I challenge myself – and my children – to think beyond turkey, stuffing, and pie. Our holiday traditions are like the beautiful blossoms on an apple tree, but we need to remember the tree’s unseen, buried roots to fully appreciate the flowers and their burgeoning fruit. This year we’ll be pondering concrete examples of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. What about you?

*****

Photo Credit: Betweenland

CK

Childhood Anchors

Independence Day is right around the corner.

My family celebrates the occasion with my husband’s parents - sleeping over for a night or two, visiting the local water park, and enjoying the annual patriotic concert and fireworks display in a neighboring town. It’s an important tradition we’ve kept for 12 years running now, with no end in sight.

We have two other summertime traditions as well. First, my kids have attended one week of Christian day camp every year for the last nine years. Second, we’ve escaped as a family for a week’s vacation at a beautiful northwoods Bible camp every year for the last eight. Both events are once again on this summer’s calendar.

If you read my last article, you know I favor giving kids plenty of unstructured time to create and explore, especially during the summer. Kids really do need unprogrammed (unplugged) free time in order to maximize their multiple intelligence strengths and inherent genius qualities.

But they need traditions as well – regular events that will serve as memory anchors to their childhoods, grounding them to the their parents, siblings, and family history. And summer is a great time to build a few such traditions into any family unit.

Your traditions will look different than mine. Perhaps your family likes to camp. So instead of spending a week in a “civilized” cabin as we do, you’ll hike into the wilderness and pitch a pup tent. On the other hand, maybe you’ve been blessed with the time and finances to travel internationally once a year. Maybe you aren’t able or don’t wish to spend time with extended family. But you have strong friendships at church or in your neighborhood, and you’ve developed traditions – monthly barbeques around the fire pit or weekly game nights ­– with those folks.

Traditions do change over time. For example, we’ve had to adjust our Independence Day activities to accommodate my father-in-law’s health needs. And my kids will “age-out” of the day camp program they currently attend – the second one we’ve utilized over the years – after next summer.

But what’s important is continuity over time for as long as each activity is viable. If kids can look back to several years of camping at the same venue or biking the same trails, their childhood anchors will hold fast even as the winds of time push them on toward adulthood.

*****

Photo Credit: Adrienne

CK

Father’s Day for the Fatherless

Father's Day used to be hard for me. Before my husband and I had children, it served only to remind me of my fractured relationship with my dad and the inability to reconcile since he'd died while we were estranged. I knew the boundaries I'd set had been necessary and that it wasn't my fault he'd chosen to remain at odds with me until his sudden death. But I still felt alternately bitter and numb during Father's Day recognition services at church. I scoffed internally when a pastor said, "And for the fatherless, remember that God is your Abba Father. He's all you need." "Easy for him to say," I'd retort to myself. "He probably has a good father."

When our girls were born, my focus shifted to my husband - my daughters' dad - as I found ways to celebrate his sweet relationship with them. So my heart softened toward the day because I could focus on something positive. And along the way my desire to see myself as God's daughter increased.

I still struggle a bit with not having an earthly dad to celebrate. God, of course, loves me far more than even the healthiest, most loving earthly father ever could - but He is Spirit, not here physically and not the subject of the same kinds of concrete childhood memories my husband, daughters, and friends have of their dads. So it's hard at times to find solace in a “mere” spiritual Father.

The difference for me now, though, is that I'm willing to open myself up to Him in that role. Instead of scoffing at a pastor's attempt to comfort, I now long to embrace the amazing truth that God is, indeed, everything I've ever wanted in a dad...and then some. I have to consciously make the choice, but now I at least want to do so. And one day I'll see Him face to face and know His deep, abiding love in every fiber of my being.

When I was little, I made up a story. I told myself I didn't really belong to the parents with whom I lived; instead, my real father was “out there” looking for me and would someday come for me. And he was a king. So when he found me he'd swoop me up and set me in the most ornate carriage anyone had ever seen, whisking me away to his magnificent castle on a majestic hill.

I've known for a long time that the Lord put that vision in my mind to give me hope in my painful childhood situation. And He, of course, is my Real Father - the King of kings who has been preparing a mansion for me since Jesus returned to Him. So I work to keep my focus there, knowing that one day I’ll have the most marvelous Father's Day celebration ever – one that will last for eternity.

*****

Photo Credit: Solipsism Prism

CK

The Heart of the Matter

A few days before Mother’s Day, my husband asked me what I’d like for a gift. I knew he wanted to show his genuine appreciation and that my daughters would want to demonstrate their feelings in a concrete way, too. As is our tradition, they would each give me a sweet card sharing elements of their love for me and they’d take me out to lunch or dinner. But they wanted to present me with something tangible to mark the occasion as well.

And I felt truly blessed by his desire to bless me. But I didn’t know what to say.

A few things I could use or enjoy quickly came to mind: a new printer, a gift card to a local bookstore, a weekend retreat to catch up on my scrapbooking. But when I began to think about what I truly need as a mom, I realized it’s not something my family can wrap up and top with a bow. In fact, it’s not something they can provide at all.

Simply put, what I need most is an ability to focus each day on the heart of the matter in terms of my calling.

Motherhood is not about finishing the laundry or designing the most well balanced meals. It’s not about the 3,796 diapers a mom changes for each child. It’s not about the carpool or organizing memorable birthday parties. It’s not about volunteering in the classroom or finding the ideal homeschool curriculum. It’s not about enrolling the kids in extracurriculars and supplemental activities. It’s not about planning “perfect” family vacations.

Of course, all those tasks (and many more) fill our time. And each small job has value and purpose, demonstrating our love for our families in concrete ways. But if we focus on the utilitarian doing of motherhood without remembering to be in the moments, we’ll miss the point. We’ll spend our kids’ childhoods exhausted and bitter about all the time “they’re taking from us” and then wallow in regret once they’re grown. I know women like that; I never want to become one.

Instead, what I most need as a mom is a growing desire to be fully present with my kids – mentally and emotionally – moment by moment. I need my heart to be with them while my mind and body work through the necessary to-do lists. I need to notice the details as their faces change from those of girls into young women…to really hear their ideas and questions…to grasp the intricacies of how each is wired…to put down the work in order to hold and comfort them.

That’s not something my family can give me. It is God’s gift to me, ready and waiting. But accepting the gift is a matter of my will – each day and in each moment. That’s hard because life is so full and busy. But I know that’s the heart of the matter.

*****

Photo Credit: e_pics

CK

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