Guide Yourselves Back

My family and I recently made the decision to move from our long-time home near my small city’s center to one of its surrounding suburbs. If you’ve been through the buying/selling and moving process in the past several months, you probably winced as you read that, because you know from personal experience how daunting a task this is.

Moving is never easy, of course. It always involves sorting through belongings to decide what to keep, donate, or discard, as well as packing up what’s retained. Because we see our homes differently when we decide to move, it also requires that we deep-clean and repair things we otherwise ignore. And then there’s the whole process of finding a new place to buy!

In many communities around the country, that latter task has been ridiculously complicated for many months. We’re in the midst of an unbalanced sellers’ market in which inventory is so low that buyers feel compelled to engage in crazy bidding wars and sellers are, thus, raking in tens of thousands of dollars above the appraised values of their homes, often accepting inflated offers just days (sometimes hours) after listing. Though my husband and I never intended to bid irresponsibly, this meant we had to drop everything to see every possibly-viable new home almost immediately after it hit the market. We toured 17 homes in just one month and made offers on – and lost – two before finally getting an accepted offer at the beginning of August.

Needless to say, my husband, our adult daughter still living at home, and I all felt a bit frazzled during that time; in fact, sometimes it was a whole lot more than “a bit.” We know the importance of putting our faith and the facts ahead of our feelings, and we embrace the value of maintaining family unity in the midst of stressful situations. We did, however, sometimes let our feelings get the best of us anyway, causing us to think and even say unkind words to each other.

You may not be in our exact predicament at the moment. But if you’re raising school-aged children, I know you’re probably dealing with a great deal of stress at the start of another new school year. Whether you homeschool or have enrolled your kids in school away from home, this time of year is almost always too hectic – and this year (as with last) your angst is undoubtedly heightened due to all the complications related to the various and sundry institutional responses to COVID-19.

Though my family hasn’t dealt with our moving stress perfectly, we do regularly remind each other that our relationships with each other are more important than anything else – and we purpose to repent and make amends when necessary. The same is true for your family in the midst of new-school-year chaos.

Despite your best intentions, you will sometimes snap at your kids. They will dawdle so much that they miss the bus or cause you to be late for the first co-op meeting of the year. School paperwork or the fancy new curriculum you purchased will drive you to tears…and rants.

But remember that this too shall pass – you will find your groove in a few weeks. And no matter what, your family relationships should take primacy. Don’t allow busyness and stress to block your view of that truth. Repent and make amends – and coach your kids to do the same. Whatever “ick” is swirling around you, always guide yourselves back to the touchstone of relationship.

CK

Photo Credit: Country Living

Homeschool Readin’, ‘Ritin’, and ‘Rithmetic with the 8 Great Smarts

Every homeschooler must contend with the parameters of the homeschool law in his or her state of residence. In addition to that, we aim to discern what each of our children may actually need – in due time – to launch successfully into adult life. We know that every child must be able to understand spoken language and comprehend a variety of written texts. We realize that each should speak comprehensibly and communicate clearly in writing. And we accept that the ability to work with certain mathematical constructs – particularly those related to arithmetic – is essential to managing as an adult.

But how do we figure out what else each child should study? And how can we most effectively help our kids maneuver through and master whatever we decide each one needs?

I believe that a powerful answer to such questions comes from what was originally called the theory of multiple intelligences – i.e., the subject of both Kathy Koch’s book, 8 Great Smarts, and my forthcoming companion for homeschooling parents, 8 Great Smarts for Homeschoolers.

In 8 Great Smarts for Homeschoolers, I examine the broad subject areas homeschoolers consider – math, language arts, science, social studies, fine arts, religious education, and electives – in light of each of the eight multiple intelligence strengths with which kids (and adults) are wired (i.e., body, logic, music, nature, people, picture, self, and word smart). Drawing from my own experiences and that of some veteran homeschooling friends, I give practical and creative suggestions for how to tackle each subject with each smarts strength in mind.

For example, it makes intuitive sense that a logic-smart child may resonate with math and that a word-smart teen may enjoy language arts. But what about the highly nature-smart kid who must still demonstrate mathematical competency, or the very body-smart child who must, of course, learn to read and write? And how can we use each smarts strength to facilitate the study of other subjects, such as science, history, and religious education? Beyond the basics, how can we harness the smarts to customize a kid’s elective studies in order to maximize his joy in learning and perhaps even guide him toward an eventual career path?

8 Great Smarts for Homeschoolers addresses these questions and more. My prayer as I wrote was that those in the homeschooling community I love would be blessed and encouraged to persevere in the task of holistically raising and educating their children. That is my continued prayer now as you pick it up and begin reading.

CK

Don’t Kiss Summer Good-Bye Just Yet

It’s mid-July. If you’re like many homeschooling parents, that means you’ve already bid adieu to “summer vacation” in your mind and are right now at this very minute singing the “what curriculum am I going to use this year” blues. I get it. Even I – a year-round unschooler of sorts – sang that ditty now and then as my girls grew and matured and transitioned from one season of life to another.

I’m hoping, though, that I can help you, this year and going forward.

You see, through a series of circumstances only God could have orchestrated, I was led and empowered last fall to write a book – 8 Great Smarts for Homeschoolers – that Moody will release on Tuesday, August 3. And it was my prayer as I penned every phrase that my words would be God’s and that those words would bless the socks off every parent who reads them.

Is 8 Great Smarts for Homeschoolers “gospel?” Of course not. But I do believe God can use its ideas to revolutionize your homeschooling experience. I say that because Kathy Koch's general-audience parenting book, 8 Great Smarts – first published when my girls were toddlers – became one of the pillars upon which my husband and I successfully built their educational endeavors. We, of course, experienced inevitable ups and downs on our home-learning journey. But our road was observably smoother and more enjoyable than that of many of my peers, a reality I’ve always attributed to the fact that we’d been blessed to learn from the time my kids were young how the Lord had hard-wired them in terms of each one’s “smarts” strengths. So, when Kathy asked me to write a treatment of “the smarts” concept just for my beloved homeschooling community, I set aside other projects, pulled out the crockpot for my family’s dinners for a few weeks, and went all-in.

If you haven’t already read the original 8 Great Smarts, please do so – either before or after reading 8 Great Smarts for Homeschoolers. You can glean much from my book without having read Kathy’s, but the applications I make – specific to the home-learning environment – will resonate more deeply if you also understand Kathy’s theoretical framework.

In writing 8 Great Smarts for Homeschoolers, I seek to empower homeschooling parents. I want those who read it to feel capable of intentionally choosing learning materials and methods with confidence, knowing that the tools you utilize on your kids’ homeschooling journey truly match the ways in which God has specifically designed each of them. So, don’t kiss summer good-bye just yet! Wait, instead, to read 8 Great Smarts for Homeschoolers. Then use its ideas to help you make wise, logical, strategic curricular choices.

CK

Make Sure Your Kids Remember

Next Monday is Memorial Day. How do you mark the occasion? Do your children know the real reason for the holiday?

I daresay many do not. If your kids attend a conventional public or private school – or if you follow a traditional “school calendar” in your homeschooling endeavors – it’s probable that they think of it merely as the first day of summer break or an extra day off before the final push to the end of the school year a week or two later. If they catch news reports, they may see it as “the unofficial start of summer.” Alternately, they may view it as part of the long weekend when you open the family cabin or host your first backyard bonfire of the year.

Even those who acknowledge something of the patriotic significance of the day often get it wrong, going out of their way to thank active-duty military members or veterans for their service. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging the sacrifices made by such men and women any day of the year, but my military friends tell me they’d rather not be thanked on Memorial Day. They know the day is actually meant to pay homage to those who made the ultimate sacrifice, and they’d rather you focus Memorial Day on those heroes than on them.

When I was growing up in the midst of the national malaise following America’s withdrawal from Vietnam, many people didn’t want to honor those who’d lost their lives in that campaign, believing that doing so would endorse our country’s involvement in that conflict. Perhaps the same could be said – to a greater or lesser degree – in regards to other wars in which the United States has been involved. But the fact remains that men and women who enlist in the military do so with the full knowledge that they may be called upon to give up their lives for others. They sign the papers anyway and then hop the busses to basic training.

In John 15.13, Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” He, of course, laid down His life for our souls, but in the context of the passage – which challenges people to love each other – He clearly indicates that those who sacrifice their lives for others are to be lauded.

You may not yet have educated your children on the real meaning of Memorial Day, but you can start this year. Even as you continue family camping or beach traditions, find ways to acknowledge the reason for the day: read appropriate picture books to your youngest kids, watch and discuss a war-related movie like Saving Private Ryan with your teens, attend a Memorial Day service at a local cemetery. Your freedom to partake in various recreational endeavors exists because of the service of others, including those who never made it back home. Always remember, and make sure your kids do too.

CK

Photo Credit: joey zanotti

You Are Ultimately Responsible

Over the past year, I’ve had more coffee dates than I can count. In fact, I’ve had five such outings in just the last week, most at the same locally-owned venue. I’m now considered a regular, and I’m beginning to wonder if I should just set up office hours.

The vast majority of my meetings are with homeschooling moms. Some are veterans like me, but many are “newbies” seeking advice and encouragement in the midst of their inaugural home-educating year. I’m doing more meetings than before in part because I have time after graduating my girls from our homeschool in 2020. But the need is also greater than in years past.

In fact, some estimates suggest that the number of families privately educating their children at home for the current school year has more than doubled from the previous year. So – whether or not you’re among them – if it seems to you that homeschooling families are suddenly coming out of the woodwork, you’re not hallucinating.

We all know the bottom-line reason for the increase: COVID. Some parents realized during last spring’s lockdowns that their children floundered under pandemic-related distance learning. Others didn’t want to send their kids back to brick-and-mortar schools, either because they feared infection or didn’t want to subject the children to daily mask-wearing and social distancing. Whatever the case, millions of parents decided this year to give private home education a shot.

It remains to be seen if this migration to homeschooling will stick. The majority of parents with whom I’ve spoken intend to continue on their new home-learning journey even if schools “normalize” by the fall of 2021, but I know those who reach out to me aren’t necessarily a representative sample.

In all probability, a large percentage of COVID-motivated homeschoolers will hand the baton back to conventional schools sooner or later. But if there’s a lesson I wish all parents would learn from events of the past year, it’s this: You are ultimately responsible for your child’s academic education.

If you homeschool, that’s obvious. You choose materials, organize the schedule, plan lessons, and evaluate your children’s progress. But the educational buck stops with parents who utilize conventional public or private schools too. Classroom teachers – whether paid via taxpayer dollars or tuition money – are facilitators, but God isn’t one day going to hold them accountable for the knowledge and values your children embrace. That responsibility falls squarely on your shoulders. It’s your job to ensure that you can justify the educational choices you make for your kids by His standards.

‘Tis now the season for deciding where your kids will “go to school” this coming fall. As you consider all the options, remember your ultimate responsibility before the Lord so you can choose wisely.

CK

Photo Credit: Monterey Bay Parent

Unplugging

Five or six years ago, I was in the midst of deciding whether or not to allow my then-young-teen daughters to begin engaging in social media. Like many parents at the time, I wrestled with the neurological effects that increased online activity might have on their still-developing brains. And I worried about exposure to cyberbullying and the possibility that they’d be targeted for trafficking.

Those with teens and younger children now have even more to consider. Neurological and safety concerns still exist. And now we’re also dealing with a level of extreme online vitriol the likes of which we couldn’t have imagined five years ago, along with its twin cousins of censorship and “cancel culture.” Whereas we used to fear that a child would be bullied online by his peers, now it’s just as possible that adults will unrelentingly go after a young person in the vilest of ways. And the platforms themselves feel entitled to monitor our every move and even – God help us – our thoughts.

Among those who’ve been victimized by such extremes, I’m seeing an exodus. Some have moved to alternate platforms, but many have opted to greatly reduce or even eliminate their virtual presence. I applaud them. I believe that more and more people are realizing that both they and their children are far better off focusing on the smaller-scale but healthier influence of offline, real-life relationships and activities.

I eventually allowed each of my daughters to open a Facebook account, which I closely monitored and to which I held the passwords. They both found Pinterest as well. But I was thankful that neither expressed more than a passing interest in Twitter, Instagram, or Snapchat. And I’m even more grateful that both were able to self-moderate their social media consumption.

But if they were young teens today, I wouldn’t let them near any online platforms. I would, instead, do even more than I did five years ago to help them develop and grow strong connections with local friends. I’d find more real-life activities in which they could participate. And I’d challenge myself to be a good role model by scaling way back on the social media influence in my life.

In fact, I’ve recently been working on that, and it’s already paid off. I’m going out to coffee with local friends more than ever before. I’m serving as the resident “veteran” at a weekly homeschool co-op. I’m reading uplifting books and digging into the Word. I’m cooking and exercising. I still interact online, but only in a couple of select groups on a limited basis. The longer I’m away from mindless newsfeed scrolling, the less I miss it and the more I wonder why it ever held sway over so much of my time.

I don’t know if what I’m seeing in others – for themselves and their kids – and experiencing in my own life is a “new normal.” But I sure hope so. During 2020’s pandemic-related lockdowns, we recovered an appreciation for our immediate families. Maybe now it’s time to learn the value of unplugging.

CK

Photo Credit: Shutterstock via Newswise

Get Back to the Basics

Don’t feel sorry for or fear for your kids because the world they are going to grow up in is not what it used to be. God created them and called them for the exact moment in time that they’re in. …Don’t let your fear steal the greatness God placed on them. I know it’s hard to imagine them as anything besides our sweet little babies, and we just want to protect them from anything that could ever be hard on them, but they were born for such a time as this.

This is an excerpt from a Facebook post made on January 6 by Alex Cravens, a young father of two. The post went viral, garnering untold numbers of views and shares and over 22,000 comments in less than two days. And Mr. Cravens is right, of course. But, if you’re like me, you probably do fear even though you know you shouldn’t. And you likely wish there were something you could do to make the last year and all its future ramifications disappear.

Of course, none of us exactly knows what the coming days and months will bring. Our anxiety might actually be for naught. Perhaps both COVID and the virus of hyper-partisanship will soon be constrained, enabling us to resume our normal (not “new normal”) lives post haste. But, honestly, in the case of the latter at least, that would take a miracle.

And God can work miracles where we least expect them! However, if His will involves something different, we must choose to walk in faith – remembering that He’s not surprised by any of what’s happened and that He will sustain us through whatever is to come. We must model that faith for our kids so they can do the same.

There is within the homeschooling movement to which I’ve belonged for almost 20 years a call that I believe applies right now to all parents: Get back to the basics.

Those leading this charge have challenged homeschoolers to set their priorities aright, putting the basic needs of faith and family first. It’s not that other endeavors are unimportant. But getting back to basics means focusing first on our relationships with the Lord and with those in our own homes – putting time with the Lord before anything else and equipping ourselves and our children with deep knowledge of the Word – and then trusting that matters of secondary importance will fall into place as He’s ordained.

Astute mothers and fathers at other times of national crisis – the Revolution, the Civil War, the Great Depression, the two world wars, to name just the most obvious – focused on these basics, and God saw them through. We can do the same thing now, for such a time as this.

CK

Have Your Cake and Eat It Too

I wrote last time about how it’s our job as parents to provide clear instruction – delivered calmly and methodically with an appropriate amount of practice and repetition – as we help our children to learn. This applies equally as much to academic content and what we might call life skills. Kids and teens need direct instruction and modeling.

They also need us to pay close attention to the processes in which they’re engaged as they learn, not just the final products. Let me once again return to writing to illustrate my point.

Too often with written composition, a student is given an assignment: “Write about xyz.” He’s generally given a few basic parameters – i.e., how long the essay should be, its due date – but rarely anything substantive, such as the piece’s intended audience or its purpose. And talking about the actual writing process - let alone walking a young person through it – is rarer still. Thus, all a kid knows is that he’s supposed to turn in three paragraphs or five pages about xyz in two weeks – oh, and to make sure it’s typed and double-spaced with one-inch margins. He has no clue about how to begin and then work his way through the several steps of a logical process to produce truly good writing. Instead, he guesses at how to throw together a product, then holds his breath until his classroom teacher or homeschool mom gives the paper back with a grade scrawled on top, often without any other feedback. And he deems himself to be “good” or “bad” writer based solely on those letter-grades.

But helping young people learn to communicate clearly in writing is too important a skill to treat so haphazardly. If we want good products, we must spend time working through the process together with a child or teen. We must shift our perspective as well – choose to see our child as a learner rather than an assembly line worker – so the process becomes more important to us than the grade on the final product. Of course, if we do that, the product will be better too. But our emphasis must be on helping with the process.

Take some time to replace writing with any other learning task we expect of any of our kids – anything from mastering algebra or spelling to cutting the grass or cleaning the cat boxes. If we focus on the product, we’ll see success based on a natural gift or a fluke some of the time – but failure and frustration most of the time. If we emphasize the process, though, we get to have our cake (a good product) and to eat it (spending meaningful time positively coaching our kids in something important) too.

CK

Photo Credit: Mallory Matson

Don the Mantle

“Write about your summer vacation.”

“Write a book report.”

“Write an essay about the Battle of the Bulge.”

We’ve surely all seen directions like this – throughout our own childhoods, and also in the homeschool curricula we’ve purchased for our kids or in assignments sent home by our children’s teachers. Most of the time these directives come without further instruction. A child or teen is simply supposed to “know” how to write a paper appropriate to the task without actually having been explicitly taught how to do so. And their first attempts are graded (judged) as final products without an acknowledgement that the production of solid writing is actually a process involving multiple steps. The few who have a natural propensity toward written composition figure it out and are labeled “good writers.” Everyone else feels hopelessly lost, believing they “should” know what to do and beating themselves up because they don’t. Is it any wonder that most kids and adults say they “hate writing?”

The same is true for other learning tasks, academic or otherwise.

Do you tell your child to clean his room, only to be baffled an hour later when a few things have been shuffled around but it basically looks the same? Have you assigned your tween the chore of doing the dishes but found yourself frustrated later at spotty glasses and bits of food still stuck to the plates? Have you sent your teen off to “study for the test,” and then been dumbfounded when she gets a D on it anyway?

There are times, to be sure, when kids are simply lazy or disobedient. But before we accuse them of that, I think we owe it to them to consider whether or not we’ve actually taught them – step-by-step – how to appropriately complete a particular task. “Good writing” doesn’t just fall from the sky; we must invest the time necessary to carefully instruct young people in the writing process – and then let the process play out from beginning to final draft. We must clean a child’s room with him several times, modeling and talking through what we expect and why. We must demonstrate with grace – more than once – how to best load the dishwasher in order to achieve the desired results. We should devote time to helping a teen study, explaining, experimenting with, and practicing different methods of review that work for various subject areas or with her particular learning style.

If we can honestly say we have provided clear instruction – delivered calmly and methodically with an appropriate amount of practice and repetition – and a child still repeatedly messes up, there might be something else going on. Until then, though, it’s our job as parents to don the mantle of teacher/trainer, not disciplinarian or judge.

CK

Photo Credit: Openclipart

Be Good and Have Fun…In That Order

When my girls were young and heading out on a homeschool outing or to spend time with friends or their grandparents, I gave them the same simple directive every time: “Be good and have fun…in that order.”

I definitely wanted my children to have a good time when engaging in various activities; after all, enjoyment is one sign by which we can measure the success of an endeavor, and God blesses joy. However, I also knew it was my job to disciple my kids – to teach them that obedience to Christ by demonstrating His character qualities should be the engine that drove their behavioral trains. As much as “having fun” is valuable, “being good” comes first. The former should spring from the latter, not run helter-skelter ahead of it.

This principle can be also applied to our kids’ learning endeavors, whether that be via parent-led home education or some sort of conventional classroom schooling (in-person or virtual). While it is true that some parts of any curriculum aren’t actually necessary – and it’s our job as adults to keep silly busywork at bay and minimize the drudgery – the reality is that learning that which is truly important and valuable isn’t always fun. Some things a child or teen really must know in order to grow into a healthy, competent, mature young adult don’t come attached to a dog and pony show. At times with education, our kids must “be good” first – i.e., put forth real effort to obtain some knowledge or skill – and trust that the fun will manifest later. We do them a disservice if we lead them to believe that every learning activity must be “fun.”

One of my daughters struggled to learn to read and spell. She didn’t have a learning disability; she was simply what we might call a later bloomer. She didn’t always enjoy our spelling and reading lessons, but I knew the value of literacy, and it was my job to keep her motivated even when it was hard. Her diligence eventually paid off when things “clicked” in her brain. Now she devours hard classics for fun and is a gifted essayist and poet. She had to “be good” first – wrestling with the craziness of English phonics and spelling – before she could reach the fun of expressing herself with the turn of a phrase and getting lost in the pages of a beloved novel.

Whether you’re a continuous year-round homeschooler or have recently launched your kids into a new school year, aim to keep the idea of “being good and having fun…in that order” at the forefront of your mind so you can encourage and remind your kids. There’s nothing wrong with fun, but putting forth effort is necessary and important. Help your kids to desire “being good” with learning so they can have fun with its fruit later.

CK

Photo Credit: OpenClipart

Enjoy the Moment; Start Now

Though I was a year-round homeschooler, there’s always been something “different” in my thought process about this time of year. My kids were typically not getting ready to start a whole new “grade level” in all their subject areas at this time of year – I mostly used ungraded material and the rolling nature of how I’d organized our days and months meant that, while we might start a new math level in September, new history material might come in November and new science in February. Yet – because of my childhood growing up in conventional schools, the nine years I spent as a public-school teacher, and the “school culture” around which most in our country organize their routines – I could never fully escape the sense of a “new year” beginning in the fall.

But I don’t have that this year.

My husband and I graduated our Irish-Twin daughters from our homeschool in June, thereby plunking me into the new, uncharted category of “retired homeschool mom.” Thus, I’m not feverishly working to organize our first back-to-homeschool day of the “new year.” And for the first time since 2005, I’m not planning to facilitate any academic learning for any child or teen.

I don’t know how other homeschool moms have felt when they first retired, but for me this is not necessarily a joyous occasion. I know God designed children to grow up and launch into productive adult lives – and I praise Him that both my kids have begun this new phase of their lives on strong (if rather unexpected) footing. However, I freely admit that I envy my friends posting their back-to-homeschool pictures and wouldn’t even mind embarking on a frantic, last-minute search for a new spelling program.

And my homeschooler-wanna-be-again musings bring me back to something I’ve “preached” for years – to myself and any other momma who would listen: Enjoy the moment. Whether you’re new to homeschooling or a seasoned veteran, enjoy the moment. Whether you’re seeking the right reading program for your first child or wondering how you’ll muddle through reading Little House on the Prairie with your sixth, enjoy the moment. Whether you planned to homeschool from before you ever got pregnant or never thought in a million years you’d be doing it, enjoy the moment.

You will sincerely doubt at times whether your child will learn “enough.” You will worry about your abilities or your budget. You’ll be very busy for a very long time. But I can tell you now from the other side that you will never regret one moment of your homeschooling journey – which will fly by far more quickly than you would ever dream – if you purpose to enjoy the moment you’re in as often as possible.

I’m sad having to look back at a beautiful season of my life that’s now over. But I’m thankful I can look back knowing I gave it my all and loved it in a big-picture sense. At the end of your homeschooling career, you’ll want the same thing. Start now.

CK

Photo Credit: Rachel and Abbie: Ready for School

Not Where or What, but Whom

This upcoming school year will begin like none other in the memory of anyone alive today. Some classroom teachers are preparing to try their hands at another potentially-trying round of distance learning, while others have been told by school boards to be ready for in-person instruction. Among those physically returning to classrooms, some will go in full-time to an environment that may roughly resemble what they left behind last spring. But most will encounter one degree or another of COVID-related alteration – i.e., trying to provide engaging, relevant instruction from behind a face shield, continually reminding kids to comply with mask and social distancing rules, juggling “blended classroom” intricacies, etc. Even homeschool parent-teachers will feel the pinch of coronavirus as they wrestle with myriad changes to or cancellations of their kids’ community-based activities and events.

As a former classroom teacher, recently “retired” homeschool educator, and concerned community member, I’ve been thinking a lot about educators. I read their anxious social media posts. I see the sadness in their eyes when we talk in person. And I am greatly grieved for them all: the chemistry teacher pondering how to engage his students in video simulation labs; the new kindergarten teacher who can’t display brightly-colored posters or dole out reassuring hugs; the ELL teacher who knows his low-income students can’t access online instruction; the homeschooling mom whose gifted gymnast daughter has to choose between the danger of completing intense workouts in a mask or skipping the season entirely.

Virus-related realities threaten to pluck the wind from our sails and steal our joy.

I don’t have an easy remedy, and I don’t want to offer up tired clichés. But as I think about all of this, one word resonates.

Relationship.

Why did you first choose to go into teaching? What motivated you to educate your children at home? For the vast majority, the answer to those questions boils down to relationship – i.e., a desire to connect so well with young people that we can influence their hearts and minds in a positive way. The key is in the connecting. In the relationships.

Truth be told, content delivery will probably “suffer” this year; most kids simply won’t learn as much or as well as before. But they can – and will – “catch up” later…if we keep our focus where it ultimately belongs, which is on our relationships with them. When children and teens know we value them as uniquely-designed human beings, they can weather cultural storms. When they see that we’ll listen – really listen – their stress decreases and their openness to new learning improves. When they understand that we’ll prioritize them over a math lesson, they’ll be more able to try again another day.

It won’t be easy, but, as you start this new, unprecedented year, aim to keep your eye on that which really matters – not your instructional environment or even what you’re trying to teach, but whom.

 CK

Photo Credit: Nenad Stojkovic

Do Your Children Know You Believe In Them?

A little over two months ago, our younger daughter came home to announce that she and her beau – who was with her – had eloped earlier that afternoon. We love the young man who is now our son-in-law and had fully supported an eventual marriage. But this was stunning news, made all the more surprising because she had turned 18 less than a week prior to the elopement.

Whether or not my husband and I – or our older daughter – agreed with the timing of the marriage or the means in which it was carried out, we had a choice to make. We could allow our shock to morph into anger and hard-heartedness, or we could work through our astonishment toward acceptance.

Though we each took a different route to get there, we all chose the latter. In my opinion, this was the right landing place, for at least three reasons. First, our daughter and son-in-law’s only possible sin in the matter was a sin of omission – i.e., keeping the elopement plans a secret. In reality, though, I’m not sure that was sin; it may simply have been a decision with which we didn’t necessarily agree. Second, Christ’s love calls us to reconciliation and relationship, particularly where there’s repentance. And both of them were extremely remorseful once they realized how sad we were at being left out of the decision. Third, I’m a Momma Bear; thus, for my part at least, there’s nothing my kids could do that would ever cause me to sever relationship with them.

Ultimately, I didn’t want my daughter and son-in-law to feel insecure around me. I wanted to communicate to them that I believe in them and in their ability to grow a solid, God-centered marriage that will stand the test of time, even if I wasn’t expecting it to start quite as soon as it did.

I’ve said that to them many times over the past nine weeks and will continue to find ways to do so going forward. We also chose to demonstrate our belief in them by hosting a post-elopement reception, which gave us a chance to acknowledge them publicly – in front of friends and family – as a legitimate married couple.

Whatever the particulars in each family, every parent will need to find ways with every child – many times throughout their lives – to say and demonstrate that we believe in them – and in their ability to stay or get back on a healthy path in life. They want this from us. In fact, they need it. So think on it; is there something you must say or do today to show one of your children that you believe in him or her?

CK

Don’t Grow Weary

Fourth of July was certainly surreal. Though some communities hosted parades and fireworks, most events were cancelled. Some gathered for picnics, but many stayed home. President Trump’s pro-America visit to Mount Rushmore stood in stark contrast to continued anti-America riots. In fact, the whole first six months of this year have made being an American very stressful, causing many to suffer from crisis fatigue and making many just want to give up caring.

 

As tempting as that sounds, it’s unwise. Of course, Christians must remember that our ultimate citizenship is in Heaven, not with any country on Earth. Thus, we must avoid placing any nation-state on a pedestal and should acknowledge America’s unavoidable imperfections.

 

On the other hand, God chooses to place each individual in a particular place at a certain time in history. That means He intended for Americans to be Americans. And patriotism isn’t a sin. We can genuinely love and appreciate the beautiful aspects of America – past and present – and also admit its failures – past and present. We can hope, pray, and work for constructive change and also decry illogical, unnecessary destruction. It’s not a matter of either/or; it’s about both/and.

 

And for the sake of our kids, we must stay engaged and find that middle ground.

 

I have only a few vivid memories of growing up in the 1970s – but every one of them is tinged with angst. I recall President Nixon’s depressing resignation speech. I watched coverage of Americans evacuating the US Embassy in Vietnam. I heard about gas lines and 20% interest, packed up my belongings as my parents’ house was foreclosed upon, and fretted over Americans held hostage in Iran. My parents didn’t talk with me about any of it, so I absorbed the general malaise that hung over the nation. And I entered into young adulthood with a very unhealthy, skewed view of America.

 

The chaos of current events certainly rivals that of the ‘70s. And it has stressed our kids. Children and teens are resilient; they can come through trying times with hope for the future. But they need our example and guidance to do so.

 

It’s our job to listen as they express fears. It’s our job to answer their questions as best we can. It’s our job to show them a broader, historical perspective and to direct them toward seeing things from God’s point of view. It’s our job to pray with and for them, maybe now more than ever before.

 

When our current turmoil passes – and it will – you’ll want your kids to emerge clothed in optimism, hope, and peace. “So, let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” (Galatians 6.9)

CK

Photo Credit: Dome Poon

Leaning Not

Even in the midst of coronavirus-related lockdown entropy, the past few months have been quite eventful for me. Prior to the virus situation, I was preparing for my daughters’ graduations from our homeschool – in fact, I was serving as coordinator for our local group’s spring formal and graduation ceremony – while also navigating the emotion-laden road of my impending “retirement” from homeschooling. And when lockdown measures went into effect, none of that went away. On the contrary, I doubled down on the dance and ceremony, determined to do everything I could to retain them, while remaining keenly aware of my status as a homeschool short-timer. I also helped the girls adjust to finishing a class via Zoom, adapted to having my husband home and working from our basement, and provided emotional support for one daughter, who was furloughed from work and all her volunteer activities. And then – just hours before our state supreme court issued a ruling ending the lockdown – my other daughter announced that she and her beau had eloped!

 

We did have our spring formal, and we did hold a (live) graduation ceremony. Both events looked somewhat different than originally anticipated, but the ceremony was beautiful and the dance was arguably better than a “normal” one. I survived the initial shock I felt about the elopement – we are thankful our new son-in-law is a very good man who loves the Lord – and we’re currently planning a July reception. My husband is still ensconced in the basement, and our other daughter’s life hasn’t yet returned to any sense of normalcy. But she’s gearing up for a new adventure at Bible college this fall, and we’re fervently praying it won’t be hindered.

 

I haven’t yet owned my new identity as a “retiree.” In fact, I still feel strange about no longer keeping daily learning logs for the girls. But perhaps all the uncertainty, upheaval, and change with which I’ve dealt over the last thirteen weeks will actually facilitate that process. I’ve certainly had much opportunity to remember Proverbs 3.5 in recent months, and that’s as good a lesson as any to continue applying as I go forward from here.

CK

Photo Credit: Rays of Bliss

Speak, Act, Guard

Some American parents hold the position that they have no right to “impose” their beliefs and values on their children. However, most parents feel that passing on their views, hoping their kids adopt them as their own, is part of what it means to be a parent. This idea generally holds true across racial, cultural, socioeconomic, political, and religious “divides.”

How, though, do we each go about teaching our children what we believe? And how can we maximize the potential that they will choose to adopt similar values? 

This is a complicated matter, of course. The Judeo-Christian principle laid out in Proverbs 22.6 tells us that taking time to consciously disciple our children will generally result in their choice to adopt good (godly) values.

However, the existence of free will means that the verse is a principle, not a promise. Some who are trained well still choose to go astray, and that reality can be disheartening and scary. However, despite the risk of a child deciding to reject his parents’ values, it’s still our responsibility to impart them; we can’t abdicate just because the desired result isn’t guaranteed. And we must do this directly and indirectly – in what we say and what we do.

It’s imperative that we actively teach our children – in ways that will resonate with them at different ages and through various phases – the precepts of our value system; kids must hear from us directly what we feel is important and why. In fact, Deuteronomy 6.7 challenges us to “teach [God’s ways] diligently to [our] children and speak of them when [we] sit at home and when [we] walk along the road, when [we] lie down and when [we] get up.” In other words, we’re commanded to directly and personally communicate truth to our kids during all of their waking hours.

But the old adage, “Do as I say, not as I do,” is a dangerous lie. If we instruct our children to obey particular rules or follow certain beliefs, yet they see us consistently living contrary to our words, they’ll rightfully see us as hypocrites and likely conclude that our values aren’t worth embracing. Likewise, even if we personally obey everything we preach and hold our kids accountable to, but fail to build strong, intimate relationships with them, we will be to them like the clanging gong of 1 Corinthians 13.

And we’re also called to protect our kids from influences that will contradict the values we aim to teach and model (Matthew 18.6). This doesn’t mean raising kids in a bubble, isolated from the world. But neither does it mean throwing them into situations where their fledgling beliefs are apt to be regularly assaulted. As parents, we are accountable to God for what (and whom) we allow to impact our kids’ minds and hearts.

Living up to all of this is a very tall order! Continually watching what we say, what we do, and the influences we allow into our kids’ lives is surely overwhelming – and we definitely won’t be perfect. But the more we’re consciously aware of our responsibility and calling, the more intentional we can be, and the more success we’ll have.

CK

Painting by Auguste Renoir

Abiding is the Guide

In my first piece in this series, I addressed the fact that we can and should take responsibility for how we participate in social media – that we must choose to share evidenced-based ideas in a logical, mature, respectful manner rather than spouting off from an emotions-driven position. And last time I challenged you to know what you know and why you know it – by taking the time to fully understand the foundations of your particular worldview position. For example, Christians must purpose to study the Bible and know how to apply its precepts in order to accurately represent Christian principles in the marketplace of ideas. 

Even with all of that background, though, we might still wonder what to do on social media in the “heat of the moment” – i.e., when some contentious or controversial issue comes to the fore. As a Christian, I endeavor to look to Scripture as my guide in all things, and two passages came immediately to my mind in response to that question:

• Ecclesiastes 3.1, 7b - "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…a time to keep silence, and a time to speak…” Sometimes God will call us to speak up (whether we really want to or not); other times He will challenge us to remain quiet. Both are biblical responses, contingent upon God’s leading in the moment. The key is to be abiding with Christ (John 15) so we’ll be able to discern His will one way or the other. And when we’re supposed to keep our fingers off the keyboard, we can (should) decide to take a matter to prayer instead, so we can feel that we’re still “doing something;
  
• Luke 10.27 – "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ and ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” If we believe we should say something, we must then consider how to both glorify God and demonstrate care for any who will read our words. And in doing so, we can remember how John tells us (John 1.17) that Jesus – our example in all things – is full of “grace and truth.” In other words, true love (as we represent God as His image-bearers and as we interact with other fallen humans) contains a balance between the softness (not spinelessness) of grace and the firmness (not harshness) of truth. We should seek for that balance, too, and need – once again – to be abiding with Christ in order to discern the right mix of the two in any given situation.

Did you notice the common thread there? As with everything else in life, how we interact on social media comes down to a choice – day after day and moment by moment – to abide in Jesus or not. That sounds too simplistic, I know; most of us would prefer a detailed, definitive rulebook. But in all things – including how we use social media – God wants our dependence on Him, not our own (fallible, incomplete) human understanding. If you choose to submit yourself to Him – i.e., by devoting time to studying His Word – you can trust that He will guide you even in the messiness of social media, step by step as you walk along the way each day.

CK

Photo Credit: Ben White on Unsplash

Know What You Know

In response to the exponential increase in cultural and moral relativism he observed, mid-20^th century Christian theologian and philosopher Francis A. Schaeffer once said, “…[W]e should note this curious mark of our age: The only absolute allowed is the absolute insistence that there is no absolute.”

Schaeffer died in 1984. But any cultural observer understands implicitly that the curiosity he observed has metastasized even more in the last 35 years. Indeed, we’ve reached a point in some quarters where positing simple, self-evident, scientifically verifiable facts (i.e., carrying XY chromosomes makes one male and possessing an XX pair renders one female) causes relativists to react with extreme vitriol and even violence, and sometimes costs people their livelihoods and reputations.

The ironic “absolutist relativists” – those who insist that the only absolute is that there are no absolutes and who ostracize those with other views of truth – preach “tolerance” but are actually among the most intolerant people on the planet. And they’ve caused no small number who do still espouse belief in moral absolutes to shrink back and keep quiet for the sake of self-preservation. But at what cost? 

We’ve already endured more than 100 years of relativism’s reign. And with each passing generation, it leads more and more people astray with its illogical non-truth truths. We see its damage all around us – especially in our kids, who, though they know deep inside themselves (Romans 1) that absolute truth does exist, are berated by the bully of relativism day in and day out.

Relativism is but a worldview perspective – one idea of how the world operates. Even if it’s the current prevailing idea, it’s not the only view, nor the most progressive one, nor the “best.” The biggest, loudest kid on the block is rarely the wisest. And, for the sake of our kids, those of us with different ideas must confront the bully.

In other words, if you’re not a relativist – if, for example, you profess instead to be a Christian – it’s imperative that you know the philosophical underpinnings of your faith and that you actively “teach them diligently to your children and speak of them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up” (Deuteronomy 6.7). You are allowed – relativists’ rants notwithstanding – to hold a worldview that believes in the existence of absolute truth as presented to us by the God of the Bible, and to train up your children in that truth. But you must take responsibility – by studying Scripture and supporting documents such as a solid catechism – to know what you know and why you know it. It’s foolish – and irresponsible – to coast along without doing so.

When you take the time to ground your beliefs in facts and evidence, you’ll have the confidence to openly share them with firm but quiet grace in the marketplace of ideas populated by angry relativists and those who espouse any number of other worldviews. Even more importantly, you’ll be able to train up your children as you see fit, which is your God-given right and responsibility as a parent.

It all starts with figuring out how to know what you know. Where will you begin?

CK

Photo Credit: Ekta Chawla

Be a Current Changer

If you spend any time at all on social media, I have no doubt that you regularly see opinion-spouting – i.e., people feeling entitled to publicly spew what they think and believe, usually absent evidence to support their claims and accompanied by ugly, thoughtless dehumanization of those who think differently. Our culture has – for well over a decade now – been inundated with the phenomenon.

Of course, sharing one’s views isn’t a bad thing. In fact, feeling free to speak one’s mind has been ingrained in the American psyche since the Founders penned the First Amendment. But with any right comes responsibility – in this case to handle the “weapon” of words properly – and acting irresponsibly carries dire consequences. Tragically, our society’s new knee-jerk habit of reflexively spouting off is anything but responsible. And it’s hurting us, individually and collectively, in many ways.

As with any other behavior, the remedy comes down to a personal choice to change – an individual’s conscious commitment to stop spouting off and begin, instead, to speak responsibly, sharing logical, evidenced-based ideas in a mature, respectful manner. It matters not what “everyone else” is doing. The direction of a river is changed little by little over time as rocks are placed – one by one – in the current’s path. If we want the tenor of our cultural discourse to change – and who doesn’t long for today’s ugliness to cease? – we can’t wait for “everyone else.” Each of us must, instead, decide to take personal responsibility and commit to planting current-altering pebbles, rocks, and boulders.

If that thought irks you – “Why should I have to watch my words when [name your personal nemesis] never does?” – purpose to look forward for motivation. Without a commitment to actively redirect ourselves, human behavior always degenerates over time (see Romans 1); in fact, that truth mirrors the natural law of entropy which God has built into the creation as a whole. This means that the social environment our kids will face as they grow up and then become adults will – without a change in current – be even worse than it is today. Can you imagine?

I hope you can. And I pray the thought of it chills you to the bone and then motivates you to be among those who aim to change the current. If you want your kids to live in and contribute to civil society when they grow up, it’s imperative that they see and hear you doing the same now.

CK

Photo Credit: FotoFloridian

BE the Parent

 

Correcting requires careful observation and for you to use more words. It may also require an attitude change on your part. You must be interested in helping children improve rather than just pointing out what’s wrong and maybe getting some perverse power from putting them in their place. (Start with the Heart, p. 210)

Ouch. These are tough words from Kathy, but they’re spot-on.

It’s all-too-easy in the trenches – when we’re probably overextended in other areas of life as well – to lose sight of the kind of intentional parenting it takes to carefully observe our children, focus on helping them mature, and keep a check on our own attitudes. It’s easy to fall into an unhealthy routine of on-the-fly criticism to curtail some imminent bad behavior. But, of course, that causes most children to react with defensive antagonism, which then leads to more criticism by parents, and eventually sets up what seems like a never-ending cycle of angst in a home. This is why too many kids can’t wait to leave and why too many parents think (or even say), “Good riddance.”

What a tragedy!

I feel a bit like a broken record when I say this, but it’s truth. The way out of this sort of relational tailspin comes down to a parent’s conscious choice (day in and day out, moment by moment) to be the parent – i.e., a mature, responsible adult. It is not a child’s responsibility to “stop being a brat” so the parent “doesn’t have to” scold. It is not a teen’s role to “grow up already” so the parent can stop criticizing.

It’s actually just the opposite. As a parent chooses to stop scolding, a new relational pattern will develop such that the child will eventually stop acting out in “bratty” ways. As a parent chooses to move from criticism to correction, the teen will learn as time progresses to truly hear the parent’s words and then begin to self-regulate. Difficult as it is and as much as we dislike “adulting” some days, it is our job as parents to take the lead…because we are the parents.

Having peaceful homes and fulfilling familial relationships – both of which are wholly possible –starts with us as parents. Parents choosing their “better angels” over knee-jerk emotional responses. Parents deciding to watch their words and actions. Parents putting on the cloak of maturity no matter how unnatural it may feel at first. Parents faking it till they make it. Parents being parents.

CK

Photo Credit: Kim Davies