The Hammer of Competition

Is competition good or bad?

The answer – in a word – is “yes.”

As with many parenting issues, this topic isn’t black and white. At times – for some kids in some circumstances – competition is helpful and motivating. At other times, though, it’s harmful and might even be soul-crushing. Thus, we shouldn’t blindly accept cultural norms about competition or expect all of our children to engage in the same level of competitive activity. Instead, our role as parents is to understand each child inside and out and to discern – with input from the children themselves – what’s best for each in regards to competition. There isn’t one “best way” for every child; figuring out the preferred path for each one is an on-going, trial-and-error process. We must be willing to set aside the notion of a one-size-fits-all approach to this topic – and so many others.

As a former public school teacher – for nine years at the secondary level – I believe the most harmful use of competition occurs in classrooms around academic learning. I actually don’t see any reason why we should compare one child against another, ranking and sorting them when it comes to their academic education. I know some who claim to thrive on competing with peers for good grades; I was actually one of those kids growing up, but I realized too late that I lost sight of actual learning in favor of high performance. The two are not synonymous and I grieve the opportunities I lost to really learn out of fear that my grades would suffer if I tried. Conversely, I could name dozens and dozens of classmates and former students who’ve spent years feeling “stupid” simply because they couldn’t be “top dog” in terms of class rank. It would be so much better if we employed a different model – not academically comparing one child to any others but, rather, letting a child “compete” against herself by comparing where she was last month and last year to where she is today, and letting each one progress in learning at whatever pace works for the individual.

One of the main reasons competition with academic learning needs to change is that school is compulsory. Kids are required to attend somewhere – either in an institutional school of some sort or at home in compliance with homeschool laws – so they have no viable escape if destructive competition prevails. In contrast, I’d suggest that competition in voluntary activities – sports teams, music and drama, dance, etc. – can be good and can provide a way for kids to develop a healthy understanding of competition. When an activity is voluntary, a child can opt-out if he discovers he lacks interest or skill or – even if he continues – the pressure is lower when he knows he could leave if he chose to. As parents, it’s not always easy to discern whether or not to allow a child to step away from such activities – sometimes making a child keep going is good and other times it’s fine to leave – but when the activity itself isn’t compulsory, at least we can choose.

Competition as a concept is actually neutral. Like a hammer, it can be used for good or ill. Our job is to avoid allowing its use to pound holes in the “walls” of our kids’ lives but to, instead, insure its use for truly building them up.

CK

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Photo Credit: Robert and Talbot Trudeau

Be Intentional

Though both my daughters took dance lessons for a number of years and were once pursued by a local swim team, neither has an interest in competitive sports. They do, however, choose to participate in “Solo & Ensemble,” a competition-of-sorts for teen musicians that draws 100,000 kids from across our state every year.

Solo & Ensemble is a different type of competition, in that each participant is actually “competing” against himself more than anyone else. In other words, each musician aims to perform to the best of his ability at the festival, and the adjudicator compares his performance against a rubric designed specifically for that event. Performers have access to the rubrics as they prepare, so they know from the beginning what they’re shooting for if the goal is to receive the highest score, referred to as “a first.” Every participant can earn “a first” – but only if the clear, measurable parameters defined by the rubric are met. Judges fill out a rubric form during a performance and add specific notes as needed; most also take time to verbally “debrief” with the student.

As a parent who participated in Solo & Ensemble when I was a teen, I was pleasantly surprised to see this level of precision because the process was much more subjective when I competed. The rubric system is still open to some human error – my daughter was downgraded on one song for singing what her judge deemed to be “incorrect rhythms” even though her vocal coach knew from extensive research ahead of time that what my daughter had sung was actually correct – but it’s a vast improvement over what previously existed.

When our kids participate in competitive events of any sort, this type of objective specificity is incredibly helpful in terms of teaching them to lose – and win – well. When children and teens watch Olympic events, football games, and shows like The Voice and America’s Got Talent, they only see the end result. And in our instant-gratification culture, they tend to want that same sort of success and fame for themselves without grasping reality – i.e., that it took years of sweat, toil, and tears for the “stars” to get where they are. It’s our responsibility to bridge that gap.

And we can do that by finding ways to provide specific, measurable feedback to them as they learn various skills and seek to improve. If a child doesn’t place at a skating event and can see it’s because she didn’t execute particular elements of her Triple Lutz, she can more readily accept the loss without giving up and know that she has a chance next time if she practices and ultimately masters specific moves. Likewise, if a team wins a basketball championship, they’ll be “good winners” – happy and humble, not arrogant – if they realize the victory came not by “magic” or “luck,” but, rather, because they chose to drill rudimentary skills as their coach directed.

Competition isn’t a bad thing; used correctly, it can motivate and inspire our kids toward excellence. But in order to compete well, they must know precisely what “success” looks like and how to get there. So be intentional about providing them with the specific, measurable feedback they need.

CK

True Winners

This year’s Winter Olympics kick off on February 9. I’m unsure how much of it my family and I will watch, but I was often glued to the television during “Olympic season” as a kid. Stereotypically, my favorites were women’s gymnastics in the summer and figure skating in winter. And, though I merely watched gymnastics, I often pretended to be an Olympic ice skater when my brother and I went to the Saturday morning open skate at our local rink.

I can easily recall the names of several gymnasts and skating champions from my childhood. But now that I’m a parent, I wonder how many were actually winners?

If they were pursuing their own dreams – and eventually reached the pinnacle of Olympic excellence as a result – they were winners. But I believe those who got silver and bronze – or never even made it to the platform – were winners as well…if their Olympic experience was a personal passion fulfilled to the best of each one’s ability. On the other hand, I’d say that if any of them – even the medal holders – were not in it for the right reason, they weren’t winners at all.

I was the valedictorian of my high school class and graduated magna cum laude with my college degree. I do have an ability to learn well and retain thoroughly, so “academic achievement” came rather naturally. But I didn’t pursue those goals from a point of passion and joy, so I don’t consider myself a “winner” in that realm. I got my “good grades” out of fear – fear that I’d be rejected if I didn’t perform “well enough.” In fact, I was so consumed with perfectionism based on academics that I didn’t have any idea what God had actually wired me for until well into adulthood. I’m not stuck in regret – God uses all things for the good of those who love Him – but I do sometimes wonder how things might have been different for me if I’d not fallen into the people-pleasing trap of “perfect” performance.

As parents, one of our main jobs is to be “students” of our children. In other words, we must purpose to discover over time how the Lord has uniquely wired each one and then do everything we can to nurture and grow what we see as His orchestration, not our own machinations. Part of that involves helping our children see reality – for example, fewer than 2,900 men hold roster spots on NFL teams every year and only 704 are starters. But there’s a lot of room in between pipe dreams and extreme utilitarianism. It’s hard work, but it is possible to help every child find and develop his or her real gifts and talents and learn to apply them to real world reality as adults.

We must play our assigned role of “assistant coach” to the best of our ability, purposing to implement the Head Coach’s game plan, not our own. If we do that, each of our children will come out as true winners.

CK

Competition: Sick or Healthy?

I live five miles from Lambeau Field in Green Bay, Wisconsin, and have been a fan of the Packers my entire life. Given its history as one of the NFL’s founding teams, Green Bay is surely the league’s most storied franchise and has been among its most competitive. And I personally have a competitive spirit as a fan. In fact, I’m one who “bleeds green and gold” – I refer to “us” when speaking of the team, wake my children with cheers when we win a night game, and feel mildly depressed when we lose.

Because of my passion, I’ve taken time to learn the intricacies of the game, and I mark with interest various players’ activity, both on and off the field. Along the way, I’ve made note of those who appear to have a healthy sense of competition…as well as those who don’t. And I think both examples might serve as useful models for the rest of us.

“Competition” in and of itself is not a dirty word; as I noted in my last article, it definitely has its place: in the business world or political arena, for example, and on the sports field. But a problem occurs when a competitive desire to win overtakes one’s identity.

In football, you know that when you see it. Those are the defensive players who consciously aim to take out a quarterback’s knees on tackles and the running backs who taunt opposing teams’ fans after a touchdown. They’re the ones who publicly belittle opponents before games and just as publicly berate their own teammates after a loss. And they’re the ones who find themselves at sea when careers inevitably end.

In contrast, players with a healthy sense of competition reach out their hands to help the quarterbacks they’ve just sacked. They perform celebratory dances in the end zone, but not at the expense of opponents or their fans. Win or lose, they shake hands at the end of a game and offer praise for “a good team and a hard-fought contest” even if they outscore an opponent 49 to zero. And they graciously make the transition to retirement, appreciative of football’s role in their youths but aware, too, that life holds much more for them.

Can you apply these examples to your own life – and help your kids apply them as well? For us, it’s our interactions at the office, how we speak of our children’s accomplishments with other parents, and even how we relate to our friends. For our kids, it’s about “competing” against one’s self for daily academic improvement versus making comparisons to others. And it’s about how they act on the bus and in the neighborhood. But the same principles apply and the question is the same, too: Is my competitive spirit sick or healthy?

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Photo Credit: LauraGainor

CK

Competition: What Not to Do

Competition among young people has its place – with sports and in other extracurricular activities (academic decathlons, drama auditions, or trying to earn first chair in band, for instance). And participating in those endeavors provides valuable training and experience for matters in adult life that can, by nature, be competitive (i.e., interviewing for jobs or operating a small business). However, I think we do kids a grave disservice if we communicate – directly or indirectly – that life is “all about” competition.

Specifically, I believe competition with others has no place where kids spend the bulk of their time each day: at home and/or in the classroom. Instead, home should be the haven where a child is celebrated for the unique, one-of-a-kind miracle God created her to be. How she “stacks up” to a brother or sister should carry no weight. So parents shouldn’t verbalize comparisons between children and shouldn’t allow siblings to do so either. To allow it is to allow rivalry and contempt to take root, both of which ultimately damage each child and destroy family unity.

Similarly, I don’t believe a classroom should be the least bit competitive. After all, the ultimate goal of education for each individual should be self-improvement – i.e., the acquisition and application of new information and skills so that each one can maximize his potential in terms of how he’s individually “wired.” And each child’s daily goal should be to become better tomorrow than he was today – in terms of his own understanding and skills, not in comparison to his seatmate’s. So, in that sense, it matters not one iota how one child in a class “stacks up” to others, and teachers who play that game damage all their students.

If you find upon reflection that you foster unhealthy competition by comparing one child to another, you can do something about it. For starters, I highly recommend Dr. Kathy’s book How Am I Smart?, in which she brilliantly describes the eight unique ways in which each individual is intelligent. Read with each of your kids in mind and purpose to pinpoint specific strengths within each child. But don’t use comparative language, such as, “Johnny is the best swimmer in our family.” Instead, say, “Johnny is body smart and a great swimmer. Sally is word smart and a wonderful storyteller.”

As with any habit, it takes time to change one’s way of thinking in this regard. But I can attest to the fact that, if you’ll purpose to think in a new way, it will soon become automatic. And then you can communicate that attitude to the children in your care and, thus, minimize unnecessary, unhelpful competition among them.

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Photo Credit: Nagatta Away

CK