Unplugging

Five or six years ago, I was in the midst of deciding whether or not to allow my then-young-teen daughters to begin engaging in social media. Like many parents at the time, I wrestled with the neurological effects that increased online activity might have on their still-developing brains. And I worried about exposure to cyberbullying and the possibility that they’d be targeted for trafficking.

Those with teens and younger children now have even more to consider. Neurological and safety concerns still exist. And now we’re also dealing with a level of extreme online vitriol the likes of which we couldn’t have imagined five years ago, along with its twin cousins of censorship and “cancel culture.” Whereas we used to fear that a child would be bullied online by his peers, now it’s just as possible that adults will unrelentingly go after a young person in the vilest of ways. And the platforms themselves feel entitled to monitor our every move and even – God help us – our thoughts.

Among those who’ve been victimized by such extremes, I’m seeing an exodus. Some have moved to alternate platforms, but many have opted to greatly reduce or even eliminate their virtual presence. I applaud them. I believe that more and more people are realizing that both they and their children are far better off focusing on the smaller-scale but healthier influence of offline, real-life relationships and activities.

I eventually allowed each of my daughters to open a Facebook account, which I closely monitored and to which I held the passwords. They both found Pinterest as well. But I was thankful that neither expressed more than a passing interest in Twitter, Instagram, or Snapchat. And I’m even more grateful that both were able to self-moderate their social media consumption.

But if they were young teens today, I wouldn’t let them near any online platforms. I would, instead, do even more than I did five years ago to help them develop and grow strong connections with local friends. I’d find more real-life activities in which they could participate. And I’d challenge myself to be a good role model by scaling way back on the social media influence in my life.

In fact, I’ve recently been working on that, and it’s already paid off. I’m going out to coffee with local friends more than ever before. I’m serving as the resident “veteran” at a weekly homeschool co-op. I’m reading uplifting books and digging into the Word. I’m cooking and exercising. I still interact online, but only in a couple of select groups on a limited basis. The longer I’m away from mindless newsfeed scrolling, the less I miss it and the more I wonder why it ever held sway over so much of my time.

I don’t know if what I’m seeing in others – for themselves and their kids – and experiencing in my own life is a “new normal.” But I sure hope so. During 2020’s pandemic-related lockdowns, we recovered an appreciation for our immediate families. Maybe now it’s time to learn the value of unplugging.

CK

Photo Credit: Shutterstock via Newswise

Speak, Act, Guard

Some American parents hold the position that they have no right to “impose” their beliefs and values on their children. However, most parents feel that passing on their views, hoping their kids adopt them as their own, is part of what it means to be a parent. This idea generally holds true across racial, cultural, socioeconomic, political, and religious “divides.”

How, though, do we each go about teaching our children what we believe? And how can we maximize the potential that they will choose to adopt similar values? 

This is a complicated matter, of course. The Judeo-Christian principle laid out in Proverbs 22.6 tells us that taking time to consciously disciple our children will generally result in their choice to adopt good (godly) values.

However, the existence of free will means that the verse is a principle, not a promise. Some who are trained well still choose to go astray, and that reality can be disheartening and scary. However, despite the risk of a child deciding to reject his parents’ values, it’s still our responsibility to impart them; we can’t abdicate just because the desired result isn’t guaranteed. And we must do this directly and indirectly – in what we say and what we do.

It’s imperative that we actively teach our children – in ways that will resonate with them at different ages and through various phases – the precepts of our value system; kids must hear from us directly what we feel is important and why. In fact, Deuteronomy 6.7 challenges us to “teach [God’s ways] diligently to [our] children and speak of them when [we] sit at home and when [we] walk along the road, when [we] lie down and when [we] get up.” In other words, we’re commanded to directly and personally communicate truth to our kids during all of their waking hours.

But the old adage, “Do as I say, not as I do,” is a dangerous lie. If we instruct our children to obey particular rules or follow certain beliefs, yet they see us consistently living contrary to our words, they’ll rightfully see us as hypocrites and likely conclude that our values aren’t worth embracing. Likewise, even if we personally obey everything we preach and hold our kids accountable to, but fail to build strong, intimate relationships with them, we will be to them like the clanging gong of 1 Corinthians 13.

And we’re also called to protect our kids from influences that will contradict the values we aim to teach and model (Matthew 18.6). This doesn’t mean raising kids in a bubble, isolated from the world. But neither does it mean throwing them into situations where their fledgling beliefs are apt to be regularly assaulted. As parents, we are accountable to God for what (and whom) we allow to impact our kids’ minds and hearts.

Living up to all of this is a very tall order! Continually watching what we say, what we do, and the influences we allow into our kids’ lives is surely overwhelming – and we definitely won’t be perfect. But the more we’re consciously aware of our responsibility and calling, the more intentional we can be, and the more success we’ll have.

CK

Painting by Auguste Renoir

Abiding is the Guide

In my first piece in this series, I addressed the fact that we can and should take responsibility for how we participate in social media – that we must choose to share evidenced-based ideas in a logical, mature, respectful manner rather than spouting off from an emotions-driven position. And last time I challenged you to know what you know and why you know it – by taking the time to fully understand the foundations of your particular worldview position. For example, Christians must purpose to study the Bible and know how to apply its precepts in order to accurately represent Christian principles in the marketplace of ideas. 

Even with all of that background, though, we might still wonder what to do on social media in the “heat of the moment” – i.e., when some contentious or controversial issue comes to the fore. As a Christian, I endeavor to look to Scripture as my guide in all things, and two passages came immediately to my mind in response to that question:

• Ecclesiastes 3.1, 7b - "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…a time to keep silence, and a time to speak…” Sometimes God will call us to speak up (whether we really want to or not); other times He will challenge us to remain quiet. Both are biblical responses, contingent upon God’s leading in the moment. The key is to be abiding with Christ (John 15) so we’ll be able to discern His will one way or the other. And when we’re supposed to keep our fingers off the keyboard, we can (should) decide to take a matter to prayer instead, so we can feel that we’re still “doing something;
  
• Luke 10.27 – "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ and ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” If we believe we should say something, we must then consider how to both glorify God and demonstrate care for any who will read our words. And in doing so, we can remember how John tells us (John 1.17) that Jesus – our example in all things – is full of “grace and truth.” In other words, true love (as we represent God as His image-bearers and as we interact with other fallen humans) contains a balance between the softness (not spinelessness) of grace and the firmness (not harshness) of truth. We should seek for that balance, too, and need – once again – to be abiding with Christ in order to discern the right mix of the two in any given situation.

Did you notice the common thread there? As with everything else in life, how we interact on social media comes down to a choice – day after day and moment by moment – to abide in Jesus or not. That sounds too simplistic, I know; most of us would prefer a detailed, definitive rulebook. But in all things – including how we use social media – God wants our dependence on Him, not our own (fallible, incomplete) human understanding. If you choose to submit yourself to Him – i.e., by devoting time to studying His Word – you can trust that He will guide you even in the messiness of social media, step by step as you walk along the way each day.

CK

Photo Credit: Ben White on Unsplash

Know What You Know

In response to the exponential increase in cultural and moral relativism he observed, mid-20^th century Christian theologian and philosopher Francis A. Schaeffer once said, “…[W]e should note this curious mark of our age: The only absolute allowed is the absolute insistence that there is no absolute.”

Schaeffer died in 1984. But any cultural observer understands implicitly that the curiosity he observed has metastasized even more in the last 35 years. Indeed, we’ve reached a point in some quarters where positing simple, self-evident, scientifically verifiable facts (i.e., carrying XY chromosomes makes one male and possessing an XX pair renders one female) causes relativists to react with extreme vitriol and even violence, and sometimes costs people their livelihoods and reputations.

The ironic “absolutist relativists” – those who insist that the only absolute is that there are no absolutes and who ostracize those with other views of truth – preach “tolerance” but are actually among the most intolerant people on the planet. And they’ve caused no small number who do still espouse belief in moral absolutes to shrink back and keep quiet for the sake of self-preservation. But at what cost? 

We’ve already endured more than 100 years of relativism’s reign. And with each passing generation, it leads more and more people astray with its illogical non-truth truths. We see its damage all around us – especially in our kids, who, though they know deep inside themselves (Romans 1) that absolute truth does exist, are berated by the bully of relativism day in and day out.

Relativism is but a worldview perspective – one idea of how the world operates. Even if it’s the current prevailing idea, it’s not the only view, nor the most progressive one, nor the “best.” The biggest, loudest kid on the block is rarely the wisest. And, for the sake of our kids, those of us with different ideas must confront the bully.

In other words, if you’re not a relativist – if, for example, you profess instead to be a Christian – it’s imperative that you know the philosophical underpinnings of your faith and that you actively “teach them diligently to your children and speak of them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up” (Deuteronomy 6.7). You are allowed – relativists’ rants notwithstanding – to hold a worldview that believes in the existence of absolute truth as presented to us by the God of the Bible, and to train up your children in that truth. But you must take responsibility – by studying Scripture and supporting documents such as a solid catechism – to know what you know and why you know it. It’s foolish – and irresponsible – to coast along without doing so.

When you take the time to ground your beliefs in facts and evidence, you’ll have the confidence to openly share them with firm but quiet grace in the marketplace of ideas populated by angry relativists and those who espouse any number of other worldviews. Even more importantly, you’ll be able to train up your children as you see fit, which is your God-given right and responsibility as a parent.

It all starts with figuring out how to know what you know. Where will you begin?

CK

Photo Credit: Ekta Chawla

Be a Current Changer

If you spend any time at all on social media, I have no doubt that you regularly see opinion-spouting – i.e., people feeling entitled to publicly spew what they think and believe, usually absent evidence to support their claims and accompanied by ugly, thoughtless dehumanization of those who think differently. Our culture has – for well over a decade now – been inundated with the phenomenon.

Of course, sharing one’s views isn’t a bad thing. In fact, feeling free to speak one’s mind has been ingrained in the American psyche since the Founders penned the First Amendment. But with any right comes responsibility – in this case to handle the “weapon” of words properly – and acting irresponsibly carries dire consequences. Tragically, our society’s new knee-jerk habit of reflexively spouting off is anything but responsible. And it’s hurting us, individually and collectively, in many ways.

As with any other behavior, the remedy comes down to a personal choice to change – an individual’s conscious commitment to stop spouting off and begin, instead, to speak responsibly, sharing logical, evidenced-based ideas in a mature, respectful manner. It matters not what “everyone else” is doing. The direction of a river is changed little by little over time as rocks are placed – one by one – in the current’s path. If we want the tenor of our cultural discourse to change – and who doesn’t long for today’s ugliness to cease? – we can’t wait for “everyone else.” Each of us must, instead, decide to take personal responsibility and commit to planting current-altering pebbles, rocks, and boulders.

If that thought irks you – “Why should I have to watch my words when [name your personal nemesis] never does?” – purpose to look forward for motivation. Without a commitment to actively redirect ourselves, human behavior always degenerates over time (see Romans 1); in fact, that truth mirrors the natural law of entropy which God has built into the creation as a whole. This means that the social environment our kids will face as they grow up and then become adults will – without a change in current – be even worse than it is today. Can you imagine?

I hope you can. And I pray the thought of it chills you to the bone and then motivates you to be among those who aim to change the current. If you want your kids to live in and contribute to civil society when they grow up, it’s imperative that they see and hear you doing the same now.

CK

Photo Credit: FotoFloridian

A Hope and a Future

Earlier this month I attended the graduation ceremony sponsored by my local homeschool association. Within the program each graduate had written a brief paragraph summarizing favorite high school experiences and his or her post-secondary aspirations. And I noted with delight the wide variety of future plans – everything from pursuing a PhD in physical therapy or advanced degrees in mechanical engineering, biochemistry, and philosophy to attending cosmetology or culinary school to opening a business and getting married later this summer to taking a gap year while earning money for later endeavors to diving into missionary work. In fact, I don’t think even two among the 22 graduates had the same immediate game plan.

I know kids who graduate from conventional schools aren’t generally given a forum to describe their ambitions in a similar way. But I hope the pursuits of graduates from every school might be similarly as diverse. That would mean each teen had been given the opportunity to discover how the Lord has wired him and the freedom to chase after his God-ordained dreams. It would mean that every graduate has come to believe in the value of her future.

Sadly, I know my hope isn’t reality. Some young people have been held back by challenging or even debilitating family circumstances, improperly diagnosed special learning needs, or a lack of access to opportunities for exploring future plans. And we absolutely need to do whatever we can – within our extended families, neighborhoods, friend-networks, and church communities – to ameliorate such tragic situations.

But there’s another hindrance of which we must be acutely aware even with our kids who don’t wrestle with such struggles. That potential roadblock is – in a word – us.

As Kathy regularly exhorts those who attend her seminars, we must love and accept the children we have and not try to turn them into the kids we wanted. Perhaps you wanted a doctor in the family; instead, your daughter is called to teach. Maybe you’d hoped a son would get an MBA, but he’s passionate about joining the Marine Corps. Or you’ve dreamed since your daughter was five that she’d take over your dog grooming business but she has her eye on an Ivy League degree.

We obviously want our children to launch well and lead happy, productive, God-honoring adult lives. But we make a grave error when we attempt to force our wishes for specific vocations without regard for how God has designed a particular child. If we do so, we cause the child to doubt his own beliefs about who he’s created to be, and we risk robbing him of hope for his own future.

Teens obviously need our discernment and experience as they explore possible future endeavors; for example, a young person who desires to sing on Broadway but cannot carry a tune in a bucket needs gentle redirection. But we must take great care to ensure that our guidance is Spirit- not self-led, in order to partner with God in giving our kids a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29.11).

CK

“You’ve Earned…”

My “Irish Twin” daughters are each working through a driver education preparation program. Each of them began the process nine months ago by working through a 30-hour online course that required a specific level of mastery. Upon satisfactorily completing the course, they had to enroll in a verified driving school that offers state-certified behind-the wheel training and take an affidavit from the school to the DMV, where they had to pass a two-part written test in order to obtain an instruction permit. The permit allowed them to get behind the wheel of a car to practice, and they had to spend at least six months doing so, during which time they’ve had to accrue at least 30 hours of drive-time with a parent – 10 of which had to be at night – as well as six hours driving and six hours of observation with an instructor from the driving school. They currently have one more session with the instructor, after which we’ll schedule appointments for each of them to take a road test at the DMV. When they pass – whether on the first try or after multiple attempts – they’ll be granted probationary licenses, which carry restrictions on when and with whom they may drive for nine months. And, finally, at the end of the probationary period – and if they’ve maintained clean driving records – they’ll each have earned a regular license.

This is a rather long and cumbersome process, but it’s provided them with a very clear and concrete object lesson for the reality that one must earn certain privileges. They obviously knew they couldn’t waltz into the DMV on a whim and demand licenses without evidence of their competence to operate a motor vehicle. But the lengthy graduated licensing procedure in our state has served to show them that important activities require time and concerted effort. Thus, when they’re granted their licenses, my husband and I will be able to say with integrity, “Congratulations! You’ve earned this.”

Obviously, our kids shouldn’t feel as if they need to earn everything; for example, we must communicate in word and deed that we love them without any pre-conditions and that God’s gift of salvation through Jesus is offered to them freely. It’s also true that some situations where they’re required to “earn” something – i.e., being graded by a capricious teacher – aren’t always fair. We must acknowledge that reality to them and help them work through such unavoidable disappointments with grace. But there are many situations where it’s good and healthy for our kids to know that poor choices earn them negative consequences, and that working to earn something good is commendable. And by using the power word – “You’ve earned…” – on a regular basis as relevant, we’ll ingrain that truth in their minds and hearts.

CK

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Photo Credit: State Farm

How to Reap a Good Harvest

Helping our kids develop a sense of personal responsibility is difficult.

Many blame what they call an “entitlement mentality” common in modern culture, and it’s true that such an attitude is prevalent these days. However, the problem goes all the way back to Adam and Eve – when Eve blamed the serpent for her decision to eat the fruit and Adam blamed both Eve and God Himself (Genesis 3.12) for his choice. And it’s not limited to historical figures and children. If we were to honestly tune in to those of all ages around us – and, frankly, to our own thoughts, words, and actions – we would quickly see a victim stance running rampant. The fact is that our natural human tendency is toward deflection and blame-shifting.

However, just because this is our default doesn’t mean it’s okay. Scripture calls us to seek maturity (1 Corinthians 13.11), which includes being able to accept the truth that decisions have consequences, whether positive or negative.

Of course, we must start with ourselves, because important character qualities are more often caught than taught. If our kids hear us always blaming the other guy for problems we face and/or chalking up victories to “fate,” we’ll communicate an entitlement/victim worldview which they’ll inevitably adopt as their own. But if they see us taking appropriate responsibility – acknowledging that I was cut off by another driver because I didn’t actually signal properly or, conversely, explaining how I know I did well with a presentation because I took time to prepare – our kids will begin to grasp the nature of natural consequences.

And when we have credibility with them in this regard, they’ll be more able to accept our “therefore statements” about their choices.

Delivery also matters. When my child messes up – whether by accident or as a result of actual disobedience – it’s my responsibility as the adult in the room to address the issue calmly. If I yell and rant, I not only damage my child emotionally but also wreck my credibility with her. Conversely, when I sit with her and rationally address a problem using “therefore statements,” she’ll more likely see the connection between her decisions and the consequences they bring. And when she’s done something well, it’s much more productive for me to show her with “therefore statements” how her good choices led to a positive outcome than to simply say, “That’s awesome!” If I want my child to know how to replicate a good outcome, she must understand the decision pathway that got her there.

Intentional consistency with all of this is hard. But as we decide to take personal responsibility for parenting in a healthy way, we will see good fruit over time. To paraphrase Galatians 6.9 in a way we surely hope the Lord will speak to us one day: “I saw that you did not grow weary in doing good. Therefore, you reaped a good harvest in due time.”

CK

To College or Not?

I’m not inherently opposed to college. My husband and I both have bachelor’s degrees, and I even returned – twice – for additional coursework in order to obtain two different teacher certifications. In fact, I was the first person in my extended family to ever pursue post-secondary education.

I am, however, very opposed to propagation of the myth that a four-year degree is necessary for everyone and that everyone must, therefore, pursue that goal. In actuality, I realized quite quickly after getting my first classroom teaching job that I didn’t really need the certification the state required of me; instead, I saw that I had a natural predisposition to be a very good teacher and that the teacher training coursework had merely been a series of wasteful (and expensive) hoops through which I’d been forced to jump. Likewise, my husband now works at a position for which he “should” have a particular master’s degree. He doesn’t have even one related credit, but he got the job because he proved himself capable and works for a company whose management thinks outside the box. Similarly, a friend was headhunted away from a good job for which he’d earned an associate’s degree into a position that technically requires a master’s simply because he is so good at what he does that he made a name for himself and now supports his wife and four children on his income alone. And did you know that Abraham Lincoln spent only about six months of his entire childhood inside a classroom, yet was incredibly well-read and studied of his own accord to pass the bar and become a lawyer?

Shelves and shelves – whole libraries – could be filled with similar stories, both past and present, about people both famous and “ordinary.” On the other hand, we could each list many college grads now working at Starbucks and the like, toiling to pay off tens of thousands of dollars in student loan debt on a barista’s wages. One young millennial I know will owe $100,000 – after having been awarded $100,000 in scholarship money and before having to shell out an additional $50,000 for a master’s degree.

The reality is that good jobs and fulfilling careers in many different fields do not actually require four-year degrees. And we do our kids a grave disservice if we limit them by insisting they all follow a “college-prep” path. As home educators, we spend our kids’ childhoods living outside the “school norm.” Why, then, do we so often fall into the trap of the school-style, college-only myth when they reach adolescence? Shouldn’t we, instead, remember that we’ve chosen a different lifestyle for a reason and, thus, customize a high school program and post-secondary plan for each child, depending on his or her actual gifts, talents, interests, and abilities? Shouldn’t we invest time and energy into discovering whether or not viable alternative paths do exist for each child instead of taking what amounts to the lazy way out (i.e., insisting that everyone “has to” go to college)?

Of course, some kids are actually called into fields which currently require college degrees, for better or worse (i.e., though I didn’t need a degree or certification to be a successful classroom teacher, the governing authorities mandated that I have both). And if we see that one of our kids has such a passion, we shouldn’t deny her the pursuit of that dream; we should take responsibility for insuring that her high school work meets college admissions requirements.

However, even there we should – as those who go against the grain by definition – be willing to consider alternatives. For example, it’s now possible to earn an associate’s degree via a community or technical college that will readily transfer to a four-year university without an ounce of stigma. Since community colleges cost much less than the four-year variety, spending two years there reaps huge financial benefits. And, because admissions requirements to such colleges are less rigid, teens who plan to enroll in them can enjoy much more freedom in terms of their high school coursework. Alternately, one can pursue most or even all of a four-year degree online through a growing number of completely legitimate online colleges. Often these programs are accelerated and specialized, and they are always less expensive than their brick-and-mortar counterparts.

My husband and I were fully prepared to send our daughters to four-year colleges. As it turns out, neither is called in that direction, and so we’re pursuing customized, non-college-prep high school programs for each. We have no qualms about the “what ifs” – i.e., what if one or both later changes her mind and wants to go to college but hasn’t met the admissions requirements. It is entirely possible that will happen for one or both of them, whether now or later in life; after all, who of us is doing now what we thought we’d be doing as adults when we were 15? But that’s normal, as the average adult actually changes careers five to seven times in a lifetime. And in that case, we’ll simply utilize a community college – whose admissions requirements my kids have already met midway through high school – as a useful stepping stone.

We are privileged at this time in history to live in an era of choice. Just as we are no longer forced to send our children to factory-style, institutional schools for their childhood and adolescence, we have alternatives in regards to their post-secondary opportunities as well. So, rather than send every child down the same, cliché, college-only path, we must – if we’re being truly responsible in regards to each individual child we’re raising – fully consider all the options before us and make wise, customized decisions for each one.

To college or not, that is the question. The answer is a unique as each of our children’s fingerprints.

LT

Educational “Dipping Sauce”

During my years as part of the broad homeschool community, I’ve seen a propensity for home educating parents to believe several really destructive lies. 

One particularly devious lie is that educational activity must be a burdensome drag in order to be “real” or effective. Many have bought the bill of goods that says the learning process is something to tolerate and endure rather than enjoy. Sadly, that is true for those who attend institutional schools, which were purposely modeled after Industrial Age factories and designed to treat students as inanimate products on an assembly line rather than as unique individual human beings. Frankly, the methods and materials schools employ have not been adopted with children’s true best interests in mind and are not designed to optimize kids’ learning and holistic growth and development. Instead, as educational theorists like John Holt, John Taylor Gatto, and Peter Gray show us, what happens in schools has been consciously designed to hinder real education and to deaden children’s desire and ability to learn.

Kids in school are stuck with this unless their parents see the light and bring them home. But home educators have the freedom to do better – to consider a multitude of ways to actually educate (not merely “school”) our children according to how each has been uniquely created. The tragedy is that we too often assume that what schools do must be right – because, after all, schools have been around “forever” and school bureaucrats are self-proclaimed “experts.” Thus, we mistakenly believe we must mimic the rules, schedules, and activities used in school in order to do right by our kids.

Does this mean that every “school-style” resource and activity is educationally and/or developmentally unsound? Not necessarily; after all, even a broken clock is right twice a day. But, rather than take it at face value, we would do better to start off viewing everything schools do with extreme skepticism. In other words, we should – for our kids’ sake – treat school-style approaches as “guilty until proven innocent,” and choose to avoid replicating what happens in schools unless we definitively realize that particular bits and pieces of it might work for a certain child at a particular time.

For example, I know of children and teens who actually enjoy – and learn well from – workbooks. These kids are usually word- and/or logic-smart (according to definitions described in Dr. Kathy Koch’s excellent book, 8 Great Smarts). And if a parent determines that one of her children resonates with workbooks, she should find good ones and let the child have at it. But I can tell you as a “recovering” public school teacher that workbooks weren’t designed with children in mind; they are, rather, a means by which classroom teachers can manage large groups of children when the goal is making all of them do the same things at the same time in the same way. Most kids see them as something to tolerate and endure and will – if asked – admit that, though they may comply and finish their workbook pages, they do not necessarily learn from them. So, though workbooks might be useful in some contexts – and even though a home educational “diet” of nothing but workbooks is still better than what happens in school – they shouldn’t be our default tool for every child and in every “subject.” There are many other, much more educationally sound and enjoyable ways to help our children master necessary content. And the same holds true for pretty much every method and resource that is “normal” in school.

In fact, if an approach or activity you use is typical of schools, I challenge you to deeply consider whether or not it’s the best tool for truly meeting your child’s educational and developmental needs. The truth is that there are so many other ways to help children learn and learn well. And people of all ages actually learn more thoroughly and effectively when they enjoy the process, so most of the time the drudgery of school-style approaches should be a last resort, replaced with various non-schoolish educational activities – including, but not limited to, games! – that actively account for all eight “smarts” as evidenced in each individual child.

Some will respond to this idea with skepticism. They’ll say that learning cannot always be engaging and that some concepts will always be a drag because they’re difficult to master. They’ll say that kids need to “suck it up” and effectively eat their “educational veggies,” like it or not.

Obviously, it’s true that a certain knowledge base and a mastery of some particular skills – i.e., reading well, communicating clearly orally and in writing, mastering computational math – are essential. However, foundational skills are, by definition, something that all can master in due time. Thus, just as we would not demand that a three-month old baby learn to walk or that every toddler use the same potty chair, if we employ the right tools for each particular child and address various learning tasks when each child is truly developmentally ready (i.e., not simply because she’s reached a certain chronological age), even “hard” tasks like learning to read can, indeed, be accomplished in an enjoyable fashion. And in regards to other knowledge and skills – things like writing a novella or understanding differential calculus – we have to remember that not everyone needs it all. But if a child is wired for creative writing, even the difficult task of composing a novel will still be a joy. And if a kid has a propensity toward higher math, he’ll work hard in that very challenging field but actually enjoy the process.

In conclusion, when it comes to what methods and approaches we use, it’s not a cop-out to replace the banal, joy-killing norms employed in school with hands-on projects, personalized research, multimedia experiences, living books…and games. We don’t decrease “rigor” by finding learning activities our kids enjoy. Instead, we actually strengthen and deepen their learning and holistic development by honoring how each has been wired.

Seeking alternatives to school-style endeavors is like making a flavorful dipping sauce for your kids’ veggies. If you force-feed them plain vegetables, they may comply and they’ll get the bare minimum nutritional content. But they’ll grow to hate veggies and will avoid them as soon as they’re not under your authority. If, on the other hand, you provide that dipping sauce, they’ll enjoy the vegetables. They’ll also eat far more of them – gleaning the benefit of many more vitamins and minerals – and they’ll continue to eat their veggies long after they’ve left your home. 

Creative alternatives to schoolish norms are a wonderful educational dipping sauce. Take a risk and try some.

LT

If You Have the Will, There Is a Way

One of the most unfortunate myths about homeschooling is that one must be “rich” to do it. In reality, researchers such as Brian Ray of the National Home Education Research Institute (NHERI) have regularly shown that the range of household incomes among homeschooling families is essentially equal to that of all other families - i.e., homeschoolers are represented in every socioeconomic category – but the Leave It to Beaver myth persists. And that sets up a sad scenario whereby too many parents believe they “can’t” homeschool, either because they honestly need two incomes to manage or because a parent is single and provides the only income for his/her family.

I myself did in-home babysitting for most of my kids’ lives in order to provide a necessary income supplement. And I’ve found in both my local homeschool association and via a large online group I moderate that a great many homeschool parents – including single moms whom most would say “can’t” homeschool because of work constraints – have paying jobs, most out of necessity. These “regular” moms and dads have decided that providing private home education for their kids is a priority regardless of the sacrifices they must make to do so; thus, they simply find a way to manage.

Out of curiosity, I recently took a survey in my online group to find out who works paying jobs, what they do, and how they juggle their work with homeschooling. Within just a couple of hours, I received dozens of replies listing a broad range of part- and full-time employment in all sorts of occupations, including:

• Selling products such as essential oils, Jamberry, homemade soaps, and handicrafts
• Teaching tae kwon do
• Working in human resources
• Nursing – for in-home care and in hospitals, nursing homes, and prisons
• Teaching online ESL to students in China
• Teaching homeschool classes online
• Web design
• Doing reception and billing work
• Medical coding
• Running a small business
• Driving school bus
• Working in a warehouse or factory
• Decorating cakes
• Cleaning – homes, offices, hotels/motels
• Providing seamstress services
• Working as a police officer
• Working dispatch
• Providing mental health therapy
• Providing occupational and physical therapy
• Tutoring
• Teaching at the college level
• Working at FedEx
• Babysitting
• Technical writing and editing
• Coaching high school sports teams
• Bartending
• Architectural drafting
• Working in group homes
• Teaching fitness classes
• Dental hygiene
• Optometry services
• Working as a pharmacy technician
• Grooming dogs
• Voice-over work
• Glass blowing

In explaining how they manage homeschooling with working, they noted that, though it’s not easy, they’ve devised a number of helpful strategies, including:

• Homeschooling in the morning and working in the afternoon or evening
• Working in the morning and homeschooling later in the day
• Working third shift
• Getting work done before kids wake up
• Getting work done after kids go to bed
• Working a traditional 40-hour week and then homeschooling in the evening and on weekends
• Working opposite a spouse and sharing homeschooling duties
• Trading childcare with homeschooling friends
• Enlisting grandparents’ help with childcare and homeschooling
• Making arrangements to bring kids into work
• Setting up the homeschool area near mom or dad’s at-home work space
• Training children to work independently as much as possible
• Homeschooling year-round to accommodate seasonal work schedules
• Including children in the family business as part of their homeschool education

These parents admitted that their busy schedules create some casualties. Some noted that it’s hard to keep up with housework, and many acknowledged not getting enough sleep. A few of the married folks mentioned the difficulty of maintaining a healthy husband-wife relationship, particularly if the spouses work opposite shifts. Some worried that they weren’t doing “enough” for their kids and most said they’d cut back or quit work if they could in order to create more margin in their lives. But none said they’d opt to put their kids into school. In fact, they pointed out that having kids in school wouldn’t decrease their busyness; they said it would simply create a different kind of busyness and increase their stress.

All of that is to say, by way of illustration, that if you have a will to homeschool, there is a way even if you must also work at a paying job. Doing both requires an extra measure of creativity, flexibility, time management skills, and endurance. But if – like so many parents I know – educating your kids outside of the institutional schools according to your own preferences and beliefs is a priority for you, you’ll be willing to think outside the box and then persevere in the process. And you’ll be in good company, balancing work and homeschooling alongside thousands of others who do the best they can day by day and trust that their diligence will pay off in the end.

LT

The (Very Simple) Five-Finger Rule

I very regularly address questions from home-educating moms wondering about tools for determining the "reading level" of books they're considering for their children. Now in truth, my thoughts about "reading level" are similar to my views about the overall notion of "grade level" - i.e., "reading level" labels on books are largely arbitrary and irrelevant, and we should devote our energy to finding great (non-twaddle) books for our kids rather than worrying about their "level" as determined by some educrat who has never met our children. However, since our overall goal is (should be) to grow bibliophiles who seek to be lifelong learners, we want to appropriately challenge our kids without overwhelming them; thus, finding a method for determining the appropriateness of a particular book at a specific period of time in a child's life does have value...not so we can document what "level" a child is reading, but simply to properly respect and value each child's individual learning process.

We do not, however, need complicated algorithms, expensive materials, or even the latest app for that endeavor. In fact, we each carry with us every day a most effective tool - the five fingers on one hand - which can be used at any moment to employ the Five-Finger Rule for Text Readability. When a child chooses a book, just follow this procedure:

1. Direct the child to read (aloud) the first full page of the book's text; 
2. As he reads, subtly (so as not to intimidate him) keep note with one finger each time he cannot decode a word at all or struggles quite a bit to get it.

You'll know the suitability of the overall book based on how many fingers you use by the time the child reaches the bottom of the page:

• 0-1 Finger: The child's reading ability is above the level of the book. That doesn't mean he shouldn't read it - there is intellectual and emotional value in reading even "easy" books - but it won't stretch his abilities;
• 2-3 Fingers: The book is at the child's "instructional level." In other words, this book will be an appropriate challenge without being overwhelming; 
• 4-5 Fingers: The child is not ready to read this book independently, as it is above his current reading ability. You might save it for a later time, or if the child is really interested, simply use it as a parent-led read-aloud or (perhaps) try tackling it in "buddy reading" format with the parent.

And that's all there is to it - a "diagnostic test" accomplished in a matter of minutes in a very low-key manner using something you always have with you!

BMN

Strategically Winning December

My family thought I’d taken my well-earned nickname – “Rou-Tina” – a bit too far recently when I spent almost an entire day mapping out our December activities. My daughters and I take a break from most of our homeschool academic studies for most of the month, but I wanted to plan for the Advent devotionals we’ll be doing, and I needed to schedule daily practice time for their various instruments and make note of recitals and outside lesson times that occur throughout the month. There are also a few non-negotiable family traditions to incorporate, and I thought it would be fun to consider participating in some well-chosen Christmas-oriented community events.

Mapping it all out in table format allowed my picture-smart brain to see all the options, which was part of my goal. But it also helped me commit to another goal, which is to avoid holiday over-busyness. I know all too well – from personal experience as well as the regular laments of far too many friends – how easy it is to allow this time of year to become harried and hectic, the very antithesis of the beautiful, peaceful, reflective season it should be. I didn’t map things out to set a regimented, inflexible schedule – I fully anticipate that we’ll add some things and eliminate others as we go. But by laying out all the possible activities of which I’m already aware, I’ve been able to set a plan that I believe will allow us to actually enjoy the season.

Of course, every family has its own level of “tolerance” for a healthy amount of busyness. Thus, what would be crazy-busy for one family would represent the height of boredom for another, and what would constitute “just enough” activity for one would be chaos for another. I am planning for quiet, low-key weekday mornings and roughly two or three afternoon or evening activities of various sorts each week. I’ve avoided double scheduling – i.e., planning for two outside activities in one day – and, in fact, I’ve aimed for an activity no more than every other day because I know what my kids and I can handle. For each weekend – when my husband is home – I’ve listed one or two events to consider, and we’ll decide as a family when the time comes whether to do both, just one, or neither.

I realize that planning in December seems “unromantic” to some; in fact, there are those who appear to thrive on flying by the seat of their pants all year. But, realistically speaking, it seems that most of us too easily fall into the very stressful trap of non-stop activity because we haven’t taken time to set a course of action. I’d rather have my family tease me now and thank me later than find myself sniping at them because I’ve become over-extended. Strategy can win a war and it can “win December” too.

CK

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Photo Credit: Green Bay Botanical Garden

It’s Time for a Cease-Fire

Education is a hot-button issue.

In fact, it’s exceedingly rare to find a person who doesn’t have an opinion about what’s “best” in terms of kids’ learning. Some insist that public school offers the best opportunities and should be mandatory for all, and others maintain that homeschooling is the only way to go. Still others assert that private school provides the best of both worlds. And when we add the voices supporting each of the vast, almost infinite, variety of options within “the big three” – charter, virtual, voucher, Charlotte Mason, unit studies, classical, unschooling, Christian, Montessori, alternative…just to name a few – we find ourselves surrounded by an ear-splitting cacophony of aggressive activism.

That said, opinions in and of themselves are not bad. And children’s education is so important that the existence of strong opinions is understandable. In fact, anyone who knows me personally is familiar with my background as a classroom teacher in “at-risk” schools, the pride I now take in being a homeschool mom, and my particular, deeply held convictions about educational theory and practice.

But it’s time to poke our heads up out of the trenches and get some perspective.

First, we must each realize that we don't have a right to an opinion about what's best for anyone else's child. My husband and I fully considered every educational option, have taken into account the ramifications of each, and have come to a conclusion about what's best for our children. We cannot be swayed...and we shouldn't have to endure unsolicited lectures - or "helpful suggestions" - from proponents of other options. But neither do we have a right to push our views onto parents who have chosen differently. In fact, unless we’re asked, we have no standing from which to state an opinion. Out of respect for parental authority, we must assume that all parents have fully researched the matter for their own children and have come to their conclusions in good faith. We might not agree, but it's simply not our place to butt in.

Conversely, we must also decide to stop being offended by others’ choices. My friend’s decision to enroll her children in the local private school is not an indictment of my homeschooling. My meme celebrating homeschooling is not an attack on a fellow church member’s decision to send her children to the public school down the street. And my relative’s announcement that his daughter made all-state for the public school’s volleyball team is not a jab at schooling options that offer different benefits. It’s possible that a rude, immature person might actually intend to offend in such a way, but why do we let ourselves assume the worst?

The “school wars” have grown tiresome. And no one will ever win if we insist on continuing to usurp others’ parental authority over their own children. But if we can choose to agree that the widest possible variety of options should always be available and that each child’s parents have the right to decide for their own kids, we can reach détente. It's time for a cease-fire.

CK

Tearing Open the Box

I truly lament the fact that so many homeschooling parents needlessly fear their kids being “behind.” Some manage to avoid falling prey to the lie in their kids’ elementary years…but the monster often rears its very ugly head all over again once a child approaches high school. We become petrified that he “isn’t keeping up” in math or “won’t have enough” science. We give ourselves ulcers over AP classes, dual enrollment, and early graduation. And we fall into the trap of thinking we should use public school requirements as our guide.

Though I don’t like to advertise it, I spent nine years before my kids were born teaching at the secondary level in the fourth largest school district in my state – first at a middle school and then at one of the city’s four public high schools. My state has a very good reputation when it comes to public schooling; its students consistently earn SAT/ACT scores among the highest in the nation. But it’s precisely because of my experience inside the system that I’m so passionate about assuring home-educating parents that we have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Instead of perseverating about “keeping up” with the system, we must choose to grab hold of reality by forcing ourselves to remember that we have absolutely no legitimate reason to use the government school system as our measuring stick. We must understand our actual legal obligation – i.e., to follow the homeschool law in our state of residence, which is always distinct from that which governs public/government schools. And we must grasp the moral truth of our real, foundational obligation, which is to meet the actual needs of each of our individual children, regardless of what bureaucrats might say on paper. 

Additionally, we can hold onto a couple of homeschool truths: First – as I learned from having spent the last three-and-a-half years surveying nearly 3,000 resource providers for TheHomeschool Resource Roadmap – public school textbooks can’t hold a candle to any material written for homeschoolers. That was true before common core, and it probably goes double (for non-common core homeschool material) now. Second, the typical lecture-style classroom cannot begin to approach the effectiveness of the one-on-one tutoring and self-directed learning approaches inherent in home education. In fact, a quick Google-search will reveal plenty of stories about the most out-of-the-box “radical unschoolers” who excel at Ivy League colleges despite never having cracked an algebra book. Thus, it’s basically inevitable that any homeschooled child with diligent parents will receive a better education than his schooled peers without having to imitate the system at all.

What does that mean for high school planning? First, it means choosing to flat-out reject the entire notion of “being behind” and deciding instead to accept each child where he really is as an individual today – whatever that means in each subject area. Second, it means developing a plan to help her learn at her pace – whatever that is and wherever it eventually leads – with neither overwhelming her nor letting her slide. It does mean taking college admissions expectations (but not public high school requirements) into account if it seems best for a child to go directly into a four-year college. But is also means knowing that four-year college isn’t always necessary or wise – right away or ever – and that colleges don’t expect us to mirror the system; in fact, they understand that homeschoolers are different, readily accept them, and even recruit them. Finally, it means trusting our intuition (and our kids’ preferences) enough to stop feeling inferior and get on with thinking outside the box.

On a practical level, how that plays out for each child’s high school experience will be distinct; in fact, each of us should be able to tell a unique story about each of our children’s journeys. But perhaps just a few examples will inspire you:

• Andy isn’t particularly “math-y,” nor is he interested in a STEM-oriented career. Thus, his parents are unapologetically counting Pre-Algebra as his first high school-level math course. And then he’ll do Algebra 1 and Geometry before choosing either Statistics or Practical Math for a fourth credit. Alternately, he’ll take his time – no law exists saying one “must” complete one credit in nine or 12 months – and eschew a fourth credit entirely, choosing mastery of three credits’ worth of material over racing through more. The university he’s considering if he pursues a history major prefers three math credits for admissions, but doesn’t specify a minimum competency for non-STEM majors; the art school he may attend instead doesn’t even have a math requirement. Thus, skipping Algebra 2, Trigonometry, and Calculus doesn’t put him “behind.” It simply acknowledges how he’s wired and gives him more time for his actual interests;
• Kelly doesn’t like to read, perhaps due to mild (but undiagnosed) dyslexia. Her parents know their homeschool law requires her to take “English” every year, and the law specifies the inclusion of literature and composition at the high school level. But they won’t throw her into the intensive multi-year, “college-prep” program they used with her older brother, who was interested in writing novels from an early age. Instead, they continue to work on Kelly’s spelling and grammar skills – legitimately counting her time as a portion of the 140 hours per year they’ve learned will constitute one “English” credit – and they’ll rely on a resource called Movies as Literature to complete her first two English credits. Then, using her progress and the knowledge they purposed to gain about specific reading and writing skills Kelly should master before taking the English 101 course at their local community college, they’ll determine the best course of action for her remaining two credits later on;
• Paul has Downs Syndrome. He loves to learn, but at age 14 his functional skill level is currently at about “third grade.” His parents understand from their state’s homeschool law that Paul needs to somehow address content in math, reading, language arts, science, and social studies each year, and that they’re free to incorporate a wide variety of elective credits in any other areas according to Paul’s needs and interests. They also learned that working through at least 75% of a textbook or spending roughly 120-150 hours of study time constitutes “one credit.” They were initially concerned about the legitimacy of their documents, given that Paul will never be able to tackle “higher math,” read Shakespeare, or write a research paper. But a family friend who works in special education explained that schooled kids with special needs earn recognized diplomas the same as anyone else, and encouraged them to simply use materials that match Paul’s actual ability and aim toward maximizing his potential before graduating him;
• Savannah began taking classical ballet lessons at the age of four and was being cast in significant roles by the time she was eight. Her parents knew she was also intellectually gifted – they’d had her IQ tested and it came out at 160 – but she became increasingly disenchanted with formal academic subjects; she simply didn’t want to spend hours of each day on math, science, history, and literature. When she was 13, a professional dance company offered her an internship that would eventually enable her to become its principal dancer. But traditional academics would get in the way, so her mother devised a personalized study plan using prep-books for the GED and several CLEP tests. She didn’t take any official tests; instead, she devoted time to studying through the books and then took the practice tests in the books. By doing so, she demonstrated clear mastery of every typical high school subject as well as a handful of college-level courses. And, coupled with all the elective credits she could legitimately be awarded in dance, choreography, and costuming, Savannah’s mother developed an impressive transcript that enabled Savannah to graduate high school and begin her internship at age 15.

I could go on and on, describing myriad other ways in which families can choose to be different by setting aside inaccurate, mechanistic labels in favor of truly meaningful learning for their kids; in fact, homeschool mom Sue Patterson has compiled a book – Homeschooled Teens - that details the experiences of 75 kids. But what ultimately matters for your children is what you decide to do with and for them. Will you continue to let yourselves be bullied by an irrelevant public school system and false notions of “being behind?” Or will you peek out of the box and even consider tearing it open so you can customize your child’s education for his or her ultimate, lifelong good?

LT

The First Thing First

“…[Jesus] is the head of the body,
the church;

He is the beginning

and the firstborn from among the dead,

so that in all things
He may have preeminence.”

~ Colossians 1.18

Thinking about how to address this week’s topic – getting off to a great start in the new school year – has been a challenge. After all, a “great start” can mean so many different things depending entirely on the people and circumstances involved.

Most who use public or private institutional schools are launching a “new school year” right about now – but some have already started and some won’t begin for another two or three weeks. Additionally, each school’s “culture” and learning environment is unique to itself. And then there are the homeschoolers. Though many home-educating families follow a traditional calendar and are, thus, starting a “new year” right now as well, some have designed other types of schedules so that they might be in the middle of a “school year” this month. And still others literally go continuously and year-round with no discernible “new start” at all.

A “great start” also means very different things for different people within those educational settings. For example, the expectations held by a five-year old and her parents look nothing like what a 17-year old and his parents are aiming for over the next several months. A “great start” for a classroom teacher varies, depending on what age children he serves. And what teachers want to emphasize can be markedly different from what students and their parents are thinking about, and are, perhaps, as different as night and day from what homeschooling families are considering.

However, I was recently reminded via a series of lessons through which I led my daughters that – at least for those who claim Christ as Savior and Lord – there is actually ever only one ultimate goal in every endeavor of life. Namely, as Colossians 1.18 states, “that in all things [Jesus] may have preeminence,” or first place.

With that in mind, there’s one question we can each ask of ourselves – whether we’re a student, parent or teacher, whether we’re at home or in a huge urban school, and whether we’re thinking about the start of a whole “new school year” or, simply, the beginning of a new day: What would it look like – in terms of my heart, soul, strength, and mind (Luke 10.27) – to put Jesus Christ first in my life?

You can use that question within your position and stage of life to set goals for yourself – short-term goals for today and long-term goals to aim for over the next several months; goals for your attitude and words (Matthew 15.18); for the friendships you continue and begin…or, perhaps, choose to end; for spiritual priorities like spending time in the Word and in fellowship with other believers; for what you choose to do (and not do) with your body; for the nature of the content you decide to teach or study.

To some extent, of course, the answers to such questions will be as unique as each individual. However, the desire to give Jesus preeminence really is the best “great start” each of us could ever have. So if you want a great start, put the First Thing first.

CK

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Photo Credit: Celestial Meeker

Who’s the Boss?

“[It] dawned on me [recently] that I need to really get a handle on my children's activities. I do not want to be managed by their activities; I want to manage them. I need to say no to some stuff. They will survive without [doing ‘everything’].”

These are the words of a wise woman I met via a homeschool moms’ support group – but, of course, her sentiment applies just as well to all moms. It’s also true that this is the perfect time of year to ponder our intentions for our kids’ activities – because, whether our children attend typical public or private school (i.e., following a September-to-May calendar) or we home-educate all year round, most extracurriculars operate on that typical school schedule. As such, everything is “ramping up” – either in the planning stages or actually beginning – right now. Thus, making decisions right now will ease our transition into this coming fall and beyond.

When kids are young, it’s wise – for the sake of awakening their “smarts” and genius qualities – to encourage them to try a wide variety of activities as interests dictate. However, that doesn’t mean doing “everything” all at one time. I have friends who allow each child just one away-from-home extracurricular activity per week for each “season” or semester. Near the end of each season/semester, they talk with each child to determine who would like to continue in the same activity and who would like to try something different. The children don’t clamor to do more because they realize they’ll have opportunities to try new things soon; in fact, they’re relaxed and peaceful – as are the parents – because they’re not constantly running from one activity to the next, and they have time and energy to grow their creativity, imagination, and – very importantly – family unity at home.

As children mature, they often begin to hone in on a particular activity or two, desiring to “go deep” rather than broad. And – assuming we’ve given them measured opportunities to explore a wide variety of options when they were younger – it’s perfectly appropriate to allow them to “specialize.” In fact, if a grounded teenager expresses a strong interest for a particular activity, we do her no favors by forcing her to be “well-rounded” - i.e., compelling her to join in on myriad activities just for the sake of being involved. After all, current passions might indicate potential career paths, and colleges prefer those with deep interest in one area to those who flit from club to club, trying to pad an application. And, even if a strong interest eventually changes, the teen will not have wasted his time because the perseverance he develops via delving into one passion can transfer to something else later on.

As you ponder how God has wired each of your kids and their particular ages and stages, how can you – like my friend – manage their activities this “school year” rather than allowing the activities to manage you? Who will be the boss over your calendar this year?

CK

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Photo Credit: Marathons & Dog Tags