Who’s the Boss?

“[It] dawned on me [recently] that I need to really get a handle on my children's activities. I do not want to be managed by their activities; I want to manage them. I need to say no to some stuff. They will survive without [doing ‘everything’].”

These are the words of a wise woman I met via a homeschool moms’ support group – but, of course, her sentiment applies just as well to all moms. It’s also true that this is the perfect time of year to ponder our intentions for our kids’ activities – because, whether our children attend typical public or private school (i.e., following a September-to-May calendar) or we home-educate all year round, most extracurriculars operate on that typical school schedule. As such, everything is “ramping up” – either in the planning stages or actually beginning – right now. Thus, making decisions right now will ease our transition into this coming fall and beyond.

When kids are young, it’s wise – for the sake of awakening their “smarts” and genius qualities – to encourage them to try a wide variety of activities as interests dictate. However, that doesn’t mean doing “everything” all at one time. I have friends who allow each child just one away-from-home extracurricular activity per week for each “season” or semester. Near the end of each season/semester, they talk with each child to determine who would like to continue in the same activity and who would like to try something different. The children don’t clamor to do more because they realize they’ll have opportunities to try new things soon; in fact, they’re relaxed and peaceful – as are the parents – because they’re not constantly running from one activity to the next, and they have time and energy to grow their creativity, imagination, and – very importantly – family unity at home.

As children mature, they often begin to hone in on a particular activity or two, desiring to “go deep” rather than broad. And – assuming we’ve given them measured opportunities to explore a wide variety of options when they were younger – it’s perfectly appropriate to allow them to “specialize.” In fact, if a grounded teenager expresses a strong interest for a particular activity, we do her no favors by forcing her to be “well-rounded” - i.e., compelling her to join in on myriad activities just for the sake of being involved. After all, current passions might indicate potential career paths, and colleges prefer those with deep interest in one area to those who flit from club to club, trying to pad an application. And, even if a strong interest eventually changes, the teen will not have wasted his time because the perseverance he develops via delving into one passion can transfer to something else later on.

As you ponder how God has wired each of your kids and their particular ages and stages, how can you – like my friend – manage their activities this “school year” rather than allowing the activities to manage you? Who will be the boss over your calendar this year?

CK

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Photo Credit: Marathons & Dog Tags

Growing a Summer Crop of Genius Qualities: Part 2

Last time we talked about how summer might be a good season in which to be especially mindful of helping our kids develop their inherent genius qualities. I described then a few ways in which we might facilitate curiosity, playfulness, and imagination, and I’ll share ideas about the other nine qualities now:

Creativity & Inventiveness: My younger daughter has developed a keen interest in sewing over the last couple of years, but she doesn’t like using patterns. Instead, she prefers brainstorming her own ideas, and trying her hand at cutting, pinning, and sewing her very own designs. When she’s experimenting, she buys heavily discounted fabric to avoid waste, and it’s been a process of trial and error – one dress required extensive alterations and a few t-shirts were unsalvageable. But she’s already created several beautiful pieces and has simultaneously stretched her perseverance and self-confidence right along with growing her creativity and inventiveness. What would spark such passion in your child?

Wonder & Vitality: Summer is the perfect time to engage kids’ innate astonishment about the natural world, as well as their ability to use their senses in response to it. In and around the small metro area in which I live, I can list in just minutes at least half a dozen easily accessible places where my kids can interact with all sorts of animals – everything from chickens to lions – and several others where they can hike nature trails or study plants in more depth. A simple internet search would yield even more venues, and I’m confident you can do the same. Why not arrange for your kids to interact with nature just once a week for the rest of the summer?

Sensitivity & Wisdom: Earlier this year, my girls and their friends baked several dozen cookies, most of which we subsequently delivered to a local homeless shelter. One of my daughters volunteered at a kids’ camp last week, and friends’ kids have organized Good News Clubs for neighborhood children. In fact, service is probably the best way to help kids of all ages develop openness to and understanding of others – absent preconceived notions and clichés. In what ways would your children like to serve? Ask them.

Flexibility & Humor: It goes without saying that breaking out of our usual routine enables us to see things differently, yielding an “aliveness” that facilitates humor as well as an ability to make out-of-the-ordinary associations and connections. In fact, that’s probably why we idealize summer, since we tend to alter our usual routines at least part of the time. But we must consciously choose to really “get away” instead of bringing “regular life” with us. So what about arranging a technology-free vacation? Bring one family phone for emergencies, and take a few pictures to commemorate each day. But you really can decide to keep individual phones at home, eschew social media and web browsing, and wait to post photos until you return. The more you internally balk at this notion, the more likely you really need it.

Joy: Joy naturally resonates anytime a person gains new insight or masters a skill. Thus, we can’t really help our kids “practice” joy the way we can the other genius qualities; instead, it bubbles up on its own when the other qualities thrive. So, since we all wish joy for our kids, why not consciously endeavor to aid and abet the growth of curiosity, playfulness, imagination, creativity and imagination, wonder and vitality, sensitivity and wisdom, and flexibility and humor over the next weeks? Planting and nurturing those seeds will surely yield a rich, long-term harvest.

CK

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Photo Credit: TumblingRun

Growing a Summer Crop of Genius Qualities: Part 1

If we understand that each and every person has been imbued with 12 inherent genius qualities, we as parents will ideally desire to encourage the growth and development of those qualities in our kids each and every day. We’ll actively seek ways for our kids to “exercise” the qualities and will aim to minimize – and undo if necessary – any paralysis of them. As with identifying and developing our kids’ manifestations of the eight great smarts, seeing the opportunities almost becomes second nature if we do it regularly enough.

And it really goes without saying that growing kids’ genius qualities can’t be a seasonal event. It would, in fact, be wrong to relegate them to a mental/emotional shelf from September through May, thinking kids must forgo them in order to trudge through schoolwork – and, frankly, if we see that happening, we owe it to our kids to step in and take strong action. But summer – even for those who don’t follow the typical “school schedule” – often feels different. Summer seems looser, more carefree, and less rigid by design, so this might be the perfect time to more consciously choose to watch for ways to promote the genius qualities.

With that in mind, I thought I’d take this issue and the next to provide a few thoughts about each quality, hoping that you’ll choose to turn a couple of scattered seeds into opportunities specifically meaningful to your own children:

Curiosity: Trips to the beach, camping excursions, and even treks up to the corner ice cream shop provide obvious fodder for encouraging kids’ curiosity, which we define as “asking questions others judge as irrelevant.” While we may not know every answer and/or may choose to encourage a child’s personal initiative in researching a matter on his own, let’s choose to avoid shutting down the questions. If a child is asking – why the sky is blue, why moss grows only on one side of the tree – it’s relevant to his mind and heart, and it’s our job to nurture that.

Playfulness: Playfulness develops when kids have unstructured time. Unfortunately, though, current realities often necessitate too much structure for today’s kids; many attend daycare all summer long and parents are (understandably) wary of allowing them to roam the neighborhood. But for the sake of playfulness, let’s challenge ourselves into allowing as much freedom as possible. When our kids are home, let’s avoid regimenting every moment; instead, let’s give them the choice they don’t get in daycare. And let’s at least give them free reign of our fenced yards, allowing them decide on their own what to do there each day, unencumbered by our continuous suggestions about “organized games.”

Imagination: Allowing kids to express their curiosity and giving them time for open-ended playfulness undoubtedly spur imagination. So will reading aloud – something we should do every day of each child’s life, even during the teen years – as well as setting aside a portion of each day (all year round) for independent readers to do so on their own, and limiting screen time. Simply put, we make room for kids’ brains to nurture imagination when we guard against providing too many pre-fabricated images for them.

Are you curious now about the other nine seeds? We’ll see about planting them in our next issue!

CK

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Photo Credit: TumblingRun

Pulling the Plug

As you read this, I’ll be in the midst of a week’s vacation at a northwoods camp my family and I attend every year. I’ll have my scrapbooking supplies spread out in our simple-but-not-too-rustic cabin, and I’ll almost surely be humming some tune or another as I crop and arrange six months’ worth of family photos. In between scrapping sessions, I’ll take a book down to the lake, hike some trails, perhaps climb “Big Rock,” and relish good conversation with the camp staff. My girls will be immersed in the camp experience with others their age, and my husband – though serving as the camp’s missionary speaker – will make plenty of time for swimming, canoeing, and tromping through the woods before dawn.

And we’ll all be unplugged.

The camp is rural but not off-grid. I could access the Internet at will to keep up with world news, my Facebook friends’ activities, and traffic to my website. But I won’t.

Instead, I choose every year to go on a technology fast during our vacation. And I never regret it – not even for a moment.

Every so often I see calls – advertised (ironically enough) on Facebook – for folks to purposely unplug for a week or more. I obviously appreciate the sentiment because I know the value of time away from technology. But I dislike the notion of going along with someone else’s timeline. In part, that’s because the event promoters’ chosen dates don’t necessarily work for me on a practical level. But it’s also because I have a strong conviction about the need to take personal responsibility. Thus, I don’t want to be told I should fast from technology with everyone else during a particular week because “someone” decided it; that puts me in a position of following someone else rather than making a conscious choice for myself. The distinction might seem small, but it’s quite important.

So you won’t find me encouraging you to turn off your tech for the duration of my vacation after finishing this article. However, I highly encourage you to choose for yourself some time to regularly unplug, whether for a particular week (or more), a certain day each week, or specific times each day. You decide. But do it. Involve your spouse and children as well – and stick to it.

Are you breaking out in a cold sweat at the thought? Are you arguing with the screen you’re reading this on, insisting that you can’t possibly “afford” to take any sort of break? If so, that’s actually clear evidence that you’re in definite need of one. Technology is a wonderful tool. But feeling compulsively tied to it is a sure symptom of unhealthy addiction.

Look at your calendars. Talk with your family. Decide and plan ahead. And then pull the plug. You won’t be sorry.

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Photo Credit: Lake Lundgren Bible Camp

CK

Just Do It

[Recently,] I taught a Celebrate Kids webinar about fostering kids’ love for literature. I’m passionate about the topic because I know – from research, anecdotal evidence, and my own personal experience – that a love for reading is, perhaps, the most significant lifelong learning tool we can give our kids. Obviously, engaging children in hands-on experiences is also vital for real learning, and we need to strive to provide as much of that as possible. However, few have the time or resources to travel the world or even the country, and we obviously can’t travel through time. But through reading – by choosing to actively engage in literature and other meaningful texts – kids can go anywhere they’d like via their imaginations.

Of course, they have to want to engage. And, sadly, far too many children and teens have no desire to do so.

The reasons for that are myriad and beyond the scope of this piece. But we can’t let current circumstances cause us to consign our kids to a life of de facto creative and cultural illiteracy. So why not use this summer to rekindle (or spark for the first time) your children’s desire to devour books?

A couple of ideas to get you going:

·      If you don’t currently read aloud to your kids, start. Daily. Yes, even with those who are more than capable of reading on their own. Too often we give up on reading aloud with older kids, but that’s a mistake; for their long-term benefit, we should actually be engaging in family read-alouds every day until the youngest child leaves the home. So find a book that’s likely to appeal to most of your children – a classic like Charlotte’s Web, Huckleberry Finn, or Little House on the Prairie – and just begin. Establish a set family read-aloud time – early in the morning, over lunch or dinner, or before your nighttime routine – and stick to it. Read just a chapter a day, and then talk about it together for a few minutes. When you finish one book, have another ready to go.

·      Institute a daily Family Read-a-Thon – either first thing after breakfast or, perhaps, right after lunch when little ones nap and you want your older kids out of the strongest afternoon heat. Simply gather in the living room for 30 to 60 minutes, each family member with his or her own book – Mom included – and read silently surrounded by each other. Early readers can bring a pile of picture books to the couch and quietly peruse several while each established reader enjoys a chapter or two in a book of personal interest. In the process, you’ll be developing in your kids a crucial habit of mind: the ability to choose quiet, unplugged activity. And – especially by participating rather than just assigning the task to your kids while you go off and scroll Facebook – you’ll communicate and model the value of reading.

What else can you do to foster your kids’ love of good books? Brainstorm ideas with your spouse and children, and then – to quote the “famous sage” we call Nike – pick something and just do it.

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Photo Credit: César Astudillo

CK

Summertime Brainstorms

If your kids attend institutional schools – or if you’re a homeschooling family that follows the typical school calendar – your kids are now “off” for the summer. In my city, it’s only been a week, but I know kids in other communities may have finished before Memorial Day. And, of course, you probably thought through at least some of your summer plans well before the season actually launched (i.e., you had to reserve the lake cabin and register for Vacation Bible School months ago). But what about all the days in between the family vacation and the kids’ camp weeks?

I struggle with telling other parents how to organize their summers because individual circumstances vary so greatly…in so many ways. Some have older kids while others have littles; some are home with children and others are in the workforce; some use summer to decompress from the “school year” while others see it as the perfect time to play academic “catch up.” In fact, the way my kids and I “do summer” is very different from that of most people I know because we have a year-round homeschool schedule, and, thus, don’t have 12 weeks to “fill” with miscellaneous activities. We love our routine, but some people think we’re nuts and would never dream of adopting it for their families!

All that said, I asked my daughters – ages 13 and 14 – to brainstorm for me some non-technology-based summer teen activities, hoping those who’ve recently read Dr. Kathy’s book Screens and Teens will appreciate ideas for using summertime to loosen the grip technology has on some teens:

·      Find a pen pal from another state or country – not a “text pal” or even an email pal…but a person with whom to exchange handwritten letters;

·      Start and maintain a garden (not too late in the season if you jump on it now);

·      Organize regular outings with a small group of friends (to an amusement park, the zoo, a city pool or lake, etc.)…and leave cell phones in the car for the duration;

·      Grab a couple of cookbooks from the library and learn to prepare a full dinner for your family each week;

·      Investigate area bike trails and plan one trek each week;

·      On a sweltering day, spend the afternoon with friends in an air-conditioned bowling alley;

·      Paint your bedroom…in a way that truly reflects your personality;

·      Learn to change the oil and tires on family cars;

·      Organize an ice cream social with friends at an area park…and bring enough to surprise everyone else who happens to be there with sundaes;

·      Learn to sew…knit…make jewelry…paint…draw…work with wood, etc.;

·      Plan a weekly family game night – board and card games only, nothing electronic;

·      Challenge yourself to read at least one chapter a day in a real (non-Kindle) book, choosing material of personal interest – things you don’t get to read the rest of the year.

Of course, my girls’ list is not exhaustive. But share it with your kids and then use it to brainstorm with them to plan a summer that will suit your own circumstances.

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Photo Credit: Pedro Ribeiro Simoes

CK

Protecting Kids’ Time

The barrage of summer advertisements started months ago, even as most of the country remained buried in mountains of snow during our recent interminable winter:

Celebrate the Sun!

Beach Week!

Summer Camp, Summer Camp, Summer Camp!

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with participating in special activities available only in summer; we should join in on any fun to which we feel truly drawn. However, there’s a vast difference between judiciously choosing worthwhile summer activities and jumping compulsively at every opportunity.

Over the years, I’ve known way too many families who enroll their children in a different intensive activity every week of the summer in order to “keep them busy.” Thus, these children move right from the frying pan of an exhausting school year into the fire of constant summer programming without any opportunity to decompress and truly relax.

Why? Sometimes it’s because the parents have bought the lie that busy-ness equals worth. They believe they lack value unless they’re constantly in motion – usually with work-related matters - and they feel their children must also be engaged in continual “productivity” – as defined by adults. At other times, parents whose children have been away at school for seven or more hours a day, 180 days a year, tragically doubt their ability to meaningfully engage with their own kids. So they stuff the children’s summer days with outside activity to mask their own insecurities about being “home alone” with their children.

Of course, it would be equally unhealthy for kids to wile away their summer hours in front of the TV or other electronics. In fact, since so many children get hours of screen time every day during the rest of the year – both in school and out - summer is a great time to stash the ipad and limit access to the remote. And a week of camp or VBS, along with other structured activities peppered throughout the summer, can have real value for many reasons.

But kids also need time to just “be” – to spend entire afternoons tucked into the crook of a tree limb reading favorite books…to be carried away for days into a marvelous imaginary world created with siblings and neighbors…to go on picnics with mom and casually peruse the nature trails afterward. These types of activities needn’t be orchestrated weeks in advance; instead, if we commit to living life in the moment and gifting our kids and ourselves with the blessing of open-ended free time, we’ll discover a child’s version of “productivity” in the process. Since time is a key factor in the development of every person’s genius qualities and multiple intelligence strengths, shouldn’t we aim to protect it in this way?

CK

Summer Days

Every year at this time, I see at least one version of a perennial newspaper cartoon. Details and drawing styles differ, but the theme is the same: In the first frame, children burst forth from school doors, grinning and shouting, “It’s summer! Now what?” In the second, a mom hunches over, lamenting, “It’s summer! Now what?”

Each time I see this, I cringe because I resent the message it conveys – that moms should or actually do dislike being with their children. And – taken a step further – it insinuates there’s something “wrong” with us if we enjoy our kids...because, according to these cartoons, “normal” women just want to escape.

This twist on reality isn’t accurate. Sure, we get tired. But most moms love their children deeply. We became moms because we were called to do so for myriad reasons, and we cherish family time. That side of mothering is rarely portrayed in pop culture, and that irks me.

On the other hand, I understand the one level of truth illustrated in the cartoons: We moms sometimes do tire of the continual demands placed upon us. So summer days can sometimes seem very long indeed. We wonder what to do all day, especially when our kids complain of boredom…and all the more, perhaps, this year when many of us cannot afford expensive diversions.

To deal with those realities, I have three suggestions.

First, investigate cheap local venues and schedule one outing a week. For example, my mid-sized city has a nice amusement park where rides cost about fifty cents each. We also have a handful of water parks that cost a few dollars per visit and dozens of free wading pools where even "tweens" can enjoy splashing around on a hot day. In addition, a number of nearby hobby farms offer tours, and one bowling alley boasts an amazing deal, no strings attached: free bowling all summer long for school-aged kids. With a bit of sleuthing, you can certainly unearth similar opportunities where you live.

Second, brainstorm activities your child can do at home when boredom strikes: bead projects, cheap wooden models, reading, sidewalk chalk, and biking come immediately to my mind, to name a few. Then post the list in a handy spot and pull it out when whining starts. Be clear that you expect your child to try something on the list and, before too long, something will pique his interest. He’ll get going on the project and may even branch off to something from his own imagination.

Which brings up my third suggestion: Don’t always come to the rescue. In our instant-gratification-entertain-me culture, kids might expect us to spoon-feed them their fun. But they need opportunities to discover for themselves how to occupy their time in meaningful ways – a skill they’ll never develop if we program their entire lives for them. So sometimes do what our own parents did: send them outside or upstairs with an assignment to simply “find something to do.” They’ll grumble at first, but don’t give in. Stand your ground, and then take a peek 20 minutes later; you’ll soon see Legos or paper dolls pulled from the back of the closet…or spy your child studying the habits of an ant colony or simply lying on her back gazing at passing clouds.

With those strategies under your belt, I predict you won’t very often find yourself in the company of the sad cartoon mom. Instead, you’ll enjoy some sweet quality time with your kids this summer, just as you desire to…because you love them to pieces. And – when they’re off discovering their own pleasures – you’ll even find bits of time to find refreshment in a few of your own pursuits.

Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him. Psalm 127:3

WOP

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock

The minutes are ticking away. We’re just [hours] from the beginning of a new year that brings with it the promise of a fresh start. For many, it’s also a time to make resolutions to improve in various facets of life.

I have a love-hate relationship with resolutions. On one hand, I’m goal-oriented and enjoy the adrenaline rush that comes from performing well. Add to that my belief that, if God’s mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3.22-23), they must be amazingly new on January 1 (especially a January 1 that falls on a Sunday!), and I could be the poster child for making resolution spreadsheets.

But I don’t like to fail…and I have a history of being unable to maintain consistency in areas of my life I’d really like to change. So I actually approach resolutions with trepidation – thrilled with the prospect but reluctant to (once again) be among the “resolution casualties” that litter our emotional streets by the third week of January.

So, what’s a girl to do?

First, I must realize that, of course, there’s really nothing magical about January 1. In fact, it’s not even the “new year” for many people (i.e., the Chinese celebrate New Year at the end of January and Jewish folks mark the occasion in September). If starting fresh on January 1 is motivational, I should take advantage. But I also need to remember that, really, any day is a good day to initiate personal growth.

Second, I must be realistic. I recently read a blog post by author TJ Addington advocating that, at most, we consider just one change at a time in each of the four major spheres of life: personal, spiritual, professional, and family. That’s a good idea, but one I can simplify further: Why not tackle just one change, period, on January 1? Then address other areas later in the year, perhaps on a quarterly basis.

Third, I must be specific. It’s not enough to say, “I want to scold my kids less,” or “I want to study the Bible more.” Something that nebulous puts anyone on a surefire route to failure. Instead, I must make a plan by which to accomplish the big goal in a realistic timeframe and then set sub-goals to mark my progress. It also helps to get the plan onto paper or screen to review on a regular basis…and to ask for accountability.

I do know that I want to initiate a positive change on January 1. And I know the one sphere of life with which I’ll begin. [And] now, even though the clock is ticking, I’ve got a few [hours] to draft the plan so I’ll be ready to start working on the first.

What about you?

CK

What’s a Teacher to Do?

A friend who teaches at a local public school had to finish her students’ year-end evaluations by the second week of May – nearly a month before the last day of school. She and the students were well aware that the tests signified the completion – at least from an administrative standpoint – of all “important” work for the year. Thus, she lamented, “What am I going to do with them for the next four weeks?”

Similarly, my daughters and I wrapped up a major component of our home learning curriculum in mid-May. As long as I meet my state’s homeschool law requirements, I’m not bound to stay “in session” until a certain date. But I’d previously determined we had several educationally sound reasons to stay on-task through May 25. However, when Monday, May 23, rolled around, I was loathe to call them inside for lessons, and I seriously considered calling it a year right then and there.

Though summer vacations are not really endings – rather, they’re simply breaks from some of the formal ways in which children engage in the lifelong process of learning – I think that, as with any endeavor, we owe it to ourselves and our students to end well. And I don’t believe my desire to stop “just because we can” would meet that goal anymore than if my friend in the public school maintained order but allowed her students to play hangman for a month.

But what’s a teacher to do when just a couple of weeks or days remain and everyone is ready for a change of scenery and routine?

Well, I didn’t like it one bit, but I simply made a conscious decision to persevere. I already had lesson plans through May 25, so I simply plowed forth and talked to my daughters (and to myself, too!) about the importance of maintaining a diligent attitude. We gazed longingly at Thursday, May 26, on our calendar…but we also felt a gigantic sense of accomplishment knowing we’d persevered.

Of course, those in other schools can’t make their own end dates. So my friend’s solution was to determine to maintain her professionalism. She designed meaningful learning activities even though they weren’t required; in fact, she created a really fun language unit that will culminate in a “Word Parade” on one of the last days of school. She has to give her students – and herself – regular pep talks about attitude and diligence, but she knows from past experience that it’ll pay off on June 7, when they can all say they did, indeed, end well.

What about you? What can you do to close out this spring term on a positive note?

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Photo Credit: ASU_PCG

CK

Stepping Out

As you read this, my family and I are enjoying our annual lake vacation at a beautiful Bible camp. My husband serves as the camp missionary for a week, and my daughters and I tag along and participate in many camp activities. We’ve enjoyed this blessing for several years; it’s a highlight of each summer.

I’m particularly looking forward to swim time this year. I may hop in the lake once or twice myself, but mostly I plan to remain on shore and delight in watching the girls.

That’s significant for me. You see, though I’m a mediocre swimmer at best, I’m not afraid of the water myself. But I’ve had what I recognize to be a somewhat irrational fear of my daughters drowning. So our first few years at camp, we swam only at the director’s dock – not at the crowded main beach – and I always went in, too, not trusting that my husband could protect both girls on his own. Of course, we kept them in shallow water, but even then I was perpetually nervous.

Last year, though, I let them swim at the main beach, and I didn’t go in. My husband did, but it was huge progress that I stayed on shore – and that I didn’t freak out. This year, I’ll do the same, and I expect to be even more comfortable.

Why the changes? It’s not just that the girls are older or that I know with certainty they won’t run into trouble in the water. Even adults and even good swimmers can drown, and so I realize – and remind the girls – that caution is still in order.

But they’ve been taking swim lessons. They started last summer and had been learning for almost six weeks before last year’s camp week. I knew then they had some basic skills. So I released some of my fear.

They took to the lessons – pardon the cliché! – like fish to water and begged to continue all through the school year. So now they have over a year of training under their belts, and I know from observing the lessons that both are very strong swimmers. As such, my fear has dissolved, and only a “healthy respect” for water remains.

That’s as it should be as our kids grow. Initial trepidation – whether while watching them take their first wobbly steps, play in the water, or get behind the wheel of a car – is somewhat understandable. But we can’t stay there because doing so would paralyze our kids and prevent their journeys toward maturity. Instead, we must provide for necessary training and practice – and teach character traits such as patience and discernment – and then let go and trust.

It’s still sometimes hard to do, but I’m looking forward to exercising faith this week at the lake. What’s one area where you can step out in faith with your child this month?

CK

Going Swimmingly

My girls recently started summer swimming lessons. They are seven and eight but have not previously had formal swimming instruction. I’d considered enrolling them the past couple of summers because, of course, I want them to swim at least well enough to be safe in the water; however, my girls are sometimes a bit hesitant about new situations, and one or the other always seemed to put up quite a fuss when I mentioned swimming class. Often, such protestations don’t stop me from doing what I know to be right, but with swimming I didn’t think it would be safe for them to be in the water while pitching fits. So I put lessons on the back burner.

I braced myself for similar reactions this year – even though I felt more strongly than ever that this was the year to start.

As it turns out, they responded enthusiastically to the idea and love every minute of the experience. They’re doing their best to master the strokes their teachers introduce; they happily paddle the length of the pool several times each session to practice those movements; they even braved the diving board, coming up all grins. In fact, though I’d signed them up for just one three-week session, they begged me after the first class to go all summer long – a request I was happy to oblige.

Having parented for only eight years, I’m still a novice compared to many. But one thing I’ve learned is that pushing our kids does no good. Offer various activity options throughout each year? Absolutely. Encourage them to do their best? Definitely. But try forcing them to do things before they are developmentally ready – either physically or emotionally? No way.

For example, we can try to force a newly minted two-year old use the potty – because we are sick of diaper changes and want to cut out that expense. But if the child is not ready, all the prodding and stickers and eventual frustrated shaming will do absolutely no good. The child simply cannot potty train until he is physically and emotionally ready to do so. And, as a wise friend once pointed out: No one goes to college in diapers! So it’s much better to take potty-training cues from your child, allowing her to tell you when she wants to try. Then her self-motivation will yield greater success much more quickly.

Similarly with other early learning tasks – learning to read, riding a bike without training wheels, or learning to swim, to name a few. Some three-year olds are ready and able to tackle one or all of these, among others. But that doesn’t mean every preschooler must do any of them; in fact, most will not master any of those particular tasks until they reach early elementary age.

And that’s okay. The key is to take your cues on these kinds of things from your child. For almost every childhood learning task, there is a broad range of “normal” when it comes to the age at which something “should” be accomplished. Don’t let society…or your neighbor…or even a well-meaning relative dictate to you the “right” time for your child. Rather, check with a pediatrician about the normal range if you’re concerned, but otherwise back off and let your child show you when he is ready.

The difference is between a screaming, kicking child flailing around in the pool or an enthusiastic, joyful kid working diligently to master a task for which she is ready. Which one would you prefer to parent?

CK

Summer Days

Every year at this time, I see at least one version of a perennial newspaper cartoon. Details and drawing styles differ, but the theme is the same: In the first frame, children burst forth from school doors, grinning and shouting, “It’s summer! Now what?” In the second, a mom hunches over, lamenting, “It’s summer! Now what?”

Each time I see this, I cringe because I resent the message it conveys – that moms should or actually do dislike being with their children. And – taken a step further – it insinuates there’s something “wrong” with us if we enjoy our kids. Because according to these cartoons, “normal” women just want to escape.

This twist on reality isn’t accurate. Sure, we get tired, but most moms love their children deeply. We became moms because we were called to do so for myriad reasons, and we cherish family time. That side of mothering is rarely portrayed in pop culture, and that irks me.

On the other hand, I understand the one level of truth illustrated in the cartoons: We moms sometimes do tire of the continual demands placed on us. So summer days can sometimes seem very long indeed. We wonder what to do all day, especially when our kids complain of boredom…and all the more, perhaps, this year when many of us cannot afford expensive diversions.

To deal with those realities, I have three suggestions.

First, investigate cheap local venues and schedule one outing a week. For example, my mid-sized city has a nice amusement park where rides cost about fifty cents each. We also have a handful of water parks that cost a few dollars per visit and dozens of free wading pools where even tweens can enjoy splashing around on a hot day. In addition, one bowling alley offers an amazing deal, no strings attached: free bowling all summer long for school-aged kids. With a bit of sleuthing, you can certainly unearth similar opportunities where you live.

Second, brainstorm activities your child can do at home when boredom strikes: bead projects, cheap wooden models, reading, sidewalk chalk, and biking come immediately to my mind, to name a few. Then post the list in a handy spot and pull it out when whining starts. Be clear that you expect your child to try something on the list and, before too long, something will pique the interest of most kids. They’ll get going on the project and may even branch off to something from their own imaginations.

Which brings up my third suggestion: Don’t always come to the rescue. In our instant-gratification-entertain-me culture, kids might expect us to spoon-feed them their fun. But they need opportunities to discover for themselves how to occupy their time in meaningful ways – a skill they’ll never develop if we program their entire lives for them. So sometimes do what our own parents did: send them outside or upstairs with an assignment to simply “find something to do.” They’ll grumble at first, but don’t give in. Stand your ground, and then take a peek 20 minutes later; you’ll soon see Legos or paper dolls pulled from the back of the closet…or spy them studying the habits of an ant colony or simply lying on their backs gazing at passing clouds.

With those strategies under your belt, I predict you won’t very often find yourself in the company of the sad cartoon mom. Rather, you’ll enjoy some sweet quality time with your kids this summer – just as you desire to…because you love them to pieces. And – when they’re off discovering their own pleasures – you’ll even find bits of time to find refreshment in a few of your own pursuits.

CK

Summer Reading

“My brain doesn’t work like Abbie’s!” cried Rachel, my six-year old.

At issue was a canopy she was trying to build over her bed. Abbie had fashioned her canopy, and Rachel was trying to imitate her sister’s work. But first one blanket and then the other kept falling down.

Rachel is usually able to rig together anything she can imagine, and she’s asked if she can have a workshop in the basement “to be like Thomas Edison.” So her misfortune that night had more to do with gravity than with how her brain works.

But her dismay reminded me of Dr. Kathy’s teachings about multiple intelligences. Truly, Rachel’s brain doesn’t work like Abbie’s. God has wired each of them—and each child in your life—uniquely. What cause for celebration!

Of course, too often children do not take joy in how they’ve been created. They want to be just like a sibling or the neighbor kid. And they despair when they see they don’t “measure up.”

A parent’s job is to counter that inclination. Of course, in order to do so, you must first know and understand your child’s multiple intelligence strengths (her “smarts”); Kathy’s book, How Am I Smart?, is a wonderful, practical resource in this regard.

Second, you have to accept and then celebrate how your child is wired. If you don’t do that—if you wish your child were body smart when it’s clear he is not—your child will never accept himself. You need to get over what you want and love what is.

Finally, you can then help your child discover her strengths—to see that she is smart, though her smarts are different than her best friend’s. When she understands and accepts herself as she is, peace and contentment will bloom. And then she can apply her strengths to help her succeed in many situations.

Summer is upon us—a time when you may have more free time…or at least a few stolen moments at soccer practice! Why not use this opportunity to read Kathy’s book? Then find ways to instruct your child about who he is. In fact, if he is old enough, read and discuss it with him. That bonding experience will be the icing on the cake in your quest to help your child celebrate himself.

CK