I haven’t looked into the research studies I’m sure exist,
but we can all agree anecdotally, based on what we’ve seen all around us and
inside ourselves as well, that it’s generally far easier to see the negative
about ourselves than the positive. Maybe we all carry a sort of “historical
memory” – something within, reminding us we’re descended from Adam and Eve and
are, thus, prone to mess things up. Or maybe it’s the result of the sorting and
stacking sadly inherent in our culture, where a person learns to rate himself
horizontally – comparing himself to others – instead of thinking vertically and
tracking his own unique, individual growth over time. I think, too, that as
Christ-followers we aim (appropriately) to guard against sinful pride. But we can go too far and end up believing – and
teaching our kids – that any pride is
bad.
Of course, we all know parents who act as if their kids can
do no wrong, a practice fraught with its own serious perils. But, generally
speaking, the fact remains that most of us probably need to be more intentional
about letting our kids know we believe in them and are proud of them.
One way to work on that is to decide to stop seeing our kids
as the culture does. Specifically, we must choose to avoid comparing one child
to another – whether at home or in school or community groups – and, instead,
embrace each one’s unique, God-ordained personality, strengths and weaknesses,
interests and talents. When we compare children against each other, the focus
is on “better” or “worse,” and it often becomes impossible for a child – or her
parent – to see her for who she really is. But when we choose a different focus
– evaluating how a child is doing today in math or truth-telling or archery
skills in relation to how she was doing last week, month, or year – growth and
improvement becomes far clearer. And then we can more easily encourage the
child.
Another way to be intentional is to be specific. Kids have a
hard time embracing generalized statements – “I believe in you!” or “I’m proud
of you!” In fact, when I’ve said that to my kids on the fly, they dismiss it
with, “You have to say that; you’re our mom.” But when we choose specificity –
“That was a tough situation. I’m really proud of you for speaking up firmly but
kindly just now,” or “I’ve heard you at every lesson and as you practice every
day, so I believe you can nail the solo at tomorrow’s recital.” – we let our
kids know we’re paying close attention to their efforts, which enables them to
more readily internalize what we say.
Because we do seem so prone to accept the negative about
ourselves, criticism sticks much more readily than praise; when I scold or even
appropriately critique one of my kids, I can see in her eyes that it cuts her
to the quick. Conversely, it seems I must offer a dozen legitimate, specific
praises before a child “owns” a compliment. We obviously need to correct our
kids as necessary, but they desperately need us as their parents to point them
to their strengths via specific, intentional praise. Building that sort of
pride is healthy and good, ultimately leading a child to proclaim, “Look at the
blessings God has built into me! I’m going to do my best to use them for Him.” They
need our legitimate affirmation to get there.
CK
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