Recently, one of my daughters had a freak accident with her phone. As she was holding it in her hand while crouching to sit on the edge of her bed, it slipped from her grasp and landed right in a cup of water she’d put next to the bed earlier in the day. She yanked it out instantly and saw that it still worked so she felt she’d dodged a bullet. I did too. But later that day, the phone malfunctioned and only then did we hear about the “rice trick” we now know to be a common fix for phones that get wet.
As she realized the phone might
be dead, my daughter was beside herself. She didn’t care about not having the
phone; instead, she began to sob and said, “You
and Dad bought that for Christmas. It was expensive and I ruined it.” She
didn’t say it outright but I knew she was also thinking, “I’m a horrible, irresponsible person!”
If she’d set the phone next
to a sink full of water, we might have been able to say, “You probably could have foreseen that putting your phone there wasn’t
a good idea.” But what actually happened was clearly an accident; there’s really
no way she could have guessed that her phone would slip from her hand just as
she was sitting down and at just the “right” angle to land in the cup she’d set
nearby hours earlier.
And her instant response was
deep remorse. The evidence before me led to only one conclusion: “Honey, accidents happen. You weren’t doing
anything irresponsible. In fact, I know because of how you’re reacting now that
you mean to be responsible.” My husband felt the same way because, though
she sometimes makes avoidable, youthful mistakes – just as all kids do – the
overarching desire we see in her day in and day out is to be mature and “grown
up.”
Though we all believed it was
too late, we eventually put the phone in a bag of rice as a last-ditch effort. When
we told our daughter that we’d decided to pay for a replacement, she protested;
she thought she should pay for it herself. Of course, that desire was further
evidence that grace was appropriate.
When I think about it, I’ve
been in many situations with both of my kids over the years where I’ve been
able to tell them that evidence – whether positive or negative – doesn’t lie.
And, whether the issue at hand has been about one of them not wanting to accept
a compliment or not wanting to own a mistake, when I’ve been able to calmly and
directly point out what I’ve seen and heard, the tone and direction of the
conversation always shifts.
Though still sad that her
accident would cost us some money, my daughter stopped beating herself up after
we extended evidence-grounded grace to her. Clearly communicating what we see
and know about various situations in which our kids find themselves really does
make a difference.
Oh, and by the way…the rice
worked after all! By the next day, her phone was working good as new. More
importantly, of course, her self-talk and our relationship were both working
too.
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